Moving On

I can't believe my baby is now 3 years old. I  don't know where the time has gone. This got me thinking. As parents, we are supposed to guide our kids and help them figure out who they are. The ironic and crazy part of this is that here I sit, at age 33 and I'm not even sure who I am. Even after all this time of living and learning, I still feel left out, not fitting in. It's like continual high school (ugh). I try to make friends. It just doesn't happen easily for me. I try to reach out. But after so many disappointments - invitations accepted but not returned, invitations declined, being ignored, promises broken - I can say that I am disillusioned with people in general. I always wind up blaming myself. There must be something wrong with me. I must have done something or maybe I'm just not worth hanging out with. But I'm tired of beating myself up. I have worth, just like everyone else. So what makes me so forgetful? so easy to ignore? I wish I knew. Sad to say, most of the Christians I come across make me feel the same way. In fact, there are probably 2 real friends I can say that I have and neither of them even attend church. There is something wrong with this. Churches are too clickey (if that's a word). Everyone gets in their groups and it's impossible to break through. I think there comes a time when you just have to resign yourself and realize it's not worth trying anymore. When your hurt time and again and no-one even notices, it's time. Moving on is hard. And no-one likes change. But I really need someone to restore my faith in people.