7/2/2025
And now, there is a new health scare. After my breast cancer, my doctor schedules CT and bone scans every 4-6 months. Back in the fall, the scans showed I had a blood clot (most likely due to the medi-port being removed). I was put on blood thinners and praying that it would dissolve. I was also on Letrozole since January 2024 to prevent the breast cancer from returning. At my oncologist follow up appointment in April, I was feeling so bad - weight gain, joint pain, insomnia, night sweats, trigger thumb and just generally not feeling good mentally and physically. At this appointment, the doctor said I should change my meds to letrozole to exemestane. I was worried that maybe it would be even worse, but agreed to give it a try. Also, she decided I should have another scan in May (instead of waiting until July) so I could see if the blood clot might be gone and I could get off the blood thinners. I was worried maybe the scan was scheduled too soon (to make sure it would be completely gone and also just so tired of doing scans) but didn't object too much. My scan was scheduled for May 29th (2025).
The next week, I had the results uploaded to my portal. The good news, I didn't see mention of the blood clot! The bad news was there were nodules in both my lungs, while small that have grown (in size and number) since my last scan that were "suspicious for metastases". To say I was devastated is probably an understatement. I sent a message to my doctor to make sure she read the results right away. I wasn't supposed to see her for until the end of the week but they called me and said I could change my appointment up to that day.
My doctor was definitely concerned about the report. She said she did not know what it could be if not cancer. But she did say the nodules are very small and while she would put the order in for biopsy they may be too small to biopsy. So, she also put in an order for a pet scan. The next week, they did call me to tell me the nodules were in fact too small to biopsy but they would contact me about the pet scan. The pet scan was then scheduled for June 17th. One of the hardest thing about medical issues is the waiting. It feels like I'm always waiting for something. A test, a result, a dr. appointment, the bad news.
From the moment I saw my uploaded CT report, I have been struggling mentally. My world has felt so dark and lonely and depressing. Knowing that I could have limited time left here has been on my mind a lot of the time. My thoughts are so loud inside my head, I've head trouble sleeping, thinking of all the things I need to and should get in order. The sadness is so overwhelming sometimes though that it's hard to get anything done at all, which just makes me more anxious and upset.
I had my pet scan on June 17th. Over that weekend (the 21st), results were posted to my portal. The report said there was no evidence for malignancy and I felt like I could at least breathe a little! I was feeling a little better, and felt no need to move or rush my next oncologist appointment scheduled for July 1st. On June 27th, I got a notification that my report was uploaded to my portal, which I thought was weird since I had already seen it. I quickly opened it and didn't really pay close attention, thinking they just uploaded it again for some reason. Well, at my doctors appointment on July 1st, the doctor said that even though the pet scan had shown fewer nodules that they were possibly too small to be detected and so cancer is still not ruled out. I remember thinking that the report didn't even talk specifically about nodules so I was really confused. Turns out that there was an addendum added to my original report on that day I was notified, which I have never seen done before. My doctor seemed a bit flustered about these results. She talked to me about adding another medication for metastatic breast cancer "just in case" it does turn out to be cancer. The new medicine has just been approved and sounds horrific and expensive. She said we will do another CT scan mid August so we can see if the nodules are growing and go from there. She agreed to wait to give me that new medication. We did talk about the possibility that maybe the nodules are from my recent sinus surgery or maybe pneumonia that I didn't know I had. After the appointment and processing what the doctor said, it became clear to me that she does seem to think that it is cancer, but we just don't have any proof of it yet. I am praying that she is wrong. Metastatic breast cancer is not curable, though treatment can maybe give you a little longer time to live. But at what cost? The side effects of the medicine sound terrible and I am already dealing with the side effects of the hormone inhibitor I am taking.
Life seems so hard and unfair, honestly. I don't know why I have to keep going through this. And I don't know what the end result will be so my emotions are all over place. I am trying not to lose hope. Every so often, I see a faint light but then I am brought back down to the darkness. Life is hard to live when you are continually wondering how much time you have left to live. And when you don't even feel good enough to make the most of the time left. All I can do is hold on to the promise that God is with me and will never leave me.
