An Unexpected Turn of Events

4/23/2024

Last Friday, unexpectedly and shockingly, my husband was let go from his job after almost 13 years. The reason given was budget cuts (or as I like to say, Bidenflation.) His boss didn't even have an idea it was happening. We had no warning, no idea and are totally unprepared. 

Since it happened, it has been a roller coaster of emotions and mini panic attacks. One moment, I feel that surely God has something better for us and maybe we will be better off than before. The next minute, I'm crying in my coffee (or in a hockey rink) because I am overwhelmed and the fear and anxiety is just too much to bear.  

Honestly, I'm a mess. In my head, I know God will take care of us. But I just can't get ahold of my emotions right now. After everything we have been through this last year, I just cannot comprehend this. Though, I do admit I have been praying for change to come, but I meant maybe just moving to a new house. I had no idea our whole life would be upended. I guess it's true to be careful what you pray for!

Prayers would be appreciated. We have no idea where we are going or what we are doing. Please pray for guidance and that he would find a job sooner rather than later. And if you know any open jobs in software/digital engineering, please let us know.

Worn by Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah, I'm worn

1 Year Ago

 March 31, 2024

1 year ago today I got the call. The call that changed the trajectory of mine and my families life. A breast cancer diagnosis. And now, my life will never be the same again. It has been such a hard year. One of my very worst. From mammogram to biopsy to diagnosis. Then on to the treatments: 2 breast surgeries, chemo, radiation, another surgery to remove my ovaries and now a hormone chemo pill I have to take for 5 years. My body is broken and bruised. I feel fat and ugly. Mentally, I am struggling daily. From loneliness to anxiety to depression. Some days are harder than others and I find myself losing the mental battle most days, unfortunately. I am exhausted all the time, mentally and physically. I know that I should feel blessed and thankful. But some days it's just so hard. 

One big thing I have learned through the process is there is only one you can truly lean on and trust and that is Jesus. People mean well. They tell you things. They might say that they love you and will be there for you. They might even think they mean those things. But after many months with not so much as a text message or phone call, it's really hard to believe that. I have felt more alone on this journey than ever before. (Of course, there are those that have been there for me, like my brother and sister who were there when I needed them. They sacrificed time and money to come visit me and be there for me. But unfortunately, they are not local so there is only so much they can do) Overall, people will disappoint and hurt you, whether they mean to or not. The only one you can count on is Jesus.

Throughout this year, I have wondered constantly about my mom and how she must have felt during her battle with cancer. I wish I was there for her more then. I wish daily that I could talk to her. I have so many questions. I also have so much more I can relate to her about now.  And I would love to apologize for not being there for her more during her last years here with us. I was young and dumb and selfish and I know that now.

Faithfully by TobyMac

It's been a long year, it almost took me down, I swear
Life was so good
I'm not so sure we knew what we had
I'll never be the same man
I'll never feel like I felt before (felt before)
It's been a hard year, it almost took me down

But when my world broke into pieces
You were there faithfully
When I cried out to You, Jesus
You made a way for me
I may never be the same man
But I'm a man who still believes
When I cried out to You, Jesus
You were there faithfully

I've had a hard time
Findin' the blue in the skies above me
And if I'm keepin' it real
I've been half-faking the happy they see
I may look like the same man
But I'm half the man I was (half the man I was)
It's been a hard year, it almost took me down

But when my world broke into pieces
You were there faithfully
When I cried out to You, Jesus
You made a way for me
I may never be the same man
But I'm a man who still believes
When I cried out to You, Jesus
You were there faithfully

In my darkest hour, You met me
So quietly, so gently
You said You'd never leave
And You stood by Your word
So quietly, so gently
In all my pain, You met me
You said You'd never leave
And You stood by Your word

'Cause when my world broke into pieces
You were there faithfully
When I cried out to You, Jesus
You made a way for me
I may never be the same man
But I'm a man who still believes
When I cried out to You, Jesus
You were there faithfully

Heart Hurts

12/26/2023

Last year at this time, Elijah and I were driving to Minnesota to visit a hockey friend who moved there. I was so determined to get there that we drove straight through all day, through the ice and snow, until we arrived around midnight. His friends family was so sweet and had the beds ready for us to collapse in when we got there. And I had such a great time there, even though the snow was high and the roads were icy and scary. It may have seemed like just a visit, but for me it was much more. It was a possibility of a new life. You see, we were actually really considering a big move to a place like Minnesota (or nearby) for hockey. I spent countless hours researching towns and hockey teams and house prices. Imagining Elijah playing in a place that thrives on hockey and thinking about him playing on outdoor ponds in the winter was so exciting. Little did I know all that effort would be in vain. In 3 months, I would find out I had breast cancer and my whole life would be turned upside down. All those thoughts and plans would have to be put on hold or forgotten altogether, since Elijah is getting older now and the possibility of him finding a different place to play is slipping away. And I don't know if it would have worked out anyway, even if I hadn't had cancer, but it's just one more disappointment to add to my life's journey.

I don't know why this happened. I don't know why things never seem to work out for us. Through the years, I continually have what I call heart hurts. They are things that have hurt me so bad that any reminder of them make my heart hurt. Unfortunately, my list of heart hurts has become long and just driving around my city, I can feel multiple heart hurts on any given day. School, church, an old house...and today, I am finding another one added to the list, thinking about what could have been just a year ago. I really needed and wanted a change in my life. And unfortunately, the change I was looking for and the change I got were not at all what I expected. I try to stay positive, but the truth is that this past year has broke me and I will never be the same again.

Today, I Cried

 12/20/2023

Today was my 26th dose of radiation for breast cancer. And while I was being radiated, I felt the tears flow down. And not just for one reason, but many.

I was semi-excited to start my radiation because I knew that meant I was coming to the "end". But it has been so much harder than I imagined. The beginning was hard because I started so close to chemo and I was the most tired I have ever been in my life. I think that's because I was still suffering the effects of chemo while then adding the side effects of radiation. It was probably about the 20th dose of radiation where I started feeling bad physically. My skin was red and burned and that's when the delays started. My doctor made me take 2 days off to give me 4 day weekend the second week of December. The next week (which was last week) he wanted to do it again but I begged him not to because that meant going into the new year. He agreed to let me just take Friday off since this week is a 4 day week anyway (because of Christmas). (I also asked him if I could just cut my treatments down instead but he said that was improper.) Unfortunately, it still does put my last treatment in the new year. And since that day, the burning has been so bad, specifically in my armpit area. They treat that area because of the lymph node involvement. Every day, I beg God to allow me to continue without another planned break. If I could just make it to Christmas, I think I can finish. 

It's hard to describe the mental toll this all takes on a person. I'm a mess on the inside. I feel like I'm in a constant state of panic and anxiousness. So many questions. So many unknowns. Could I be doing all this and it still not be gone? What if it is gone but it comes back even after all this suffering? What if all this suffering was actually unnecessary and I'm just killing my body for no reason now? How much is that one treatment in January going to cost me??

There is an older lady that has recently started radiation. Her time slot is after mine. She is very sweet and says hi to everyone. Everyday she comes with her daughter by her side. And today, It reminded me of my mom and how I wish she was here. Also, how I wasn't around nearly as much as I should have been when she was going through her cancer and treatments. I'm glad she didn't have to go through radiation because it really sucks. But only now can I understand what she might have been going through during her fight. And I wish I could go back and be there more, be more supportive. I should have been with my mom to all her treatments. Because I lived so far away and by the time it took us to move up there, I was only able to go to her last chemo treatment with her. I hate that. I miss her so much. I wish she was here and it sucks that she is not. Sometimes, you just need your mom.                  

My Last Chemo Coma

 11/7/2023

Last Tuesday, October 31st, I had my final chemo treatment. I got the ring the bell and yeah, it's great to see the end of that tunnel. However, I still have to go through the rest of the side effects for the coming weeks. 

It's hard to describe how it feels after chemo. The day of and next day are not too bad, just tired. But then it's like you go into a chemo coma. It feels as if the clouds not just are on top of you, but all around you. You are so tired and your brain is so foggy. You are irritated and annoyed. You can't keep your eyes open. Your stomach hurts and your muscles and bones ache. You have a headache. You lose your taste. You have these hot flashes that make you feel like you are on fire every so often. Honestly, you lose at least 3 days where all you want to do is sleep. It's hard to keep up with life or people or social media. You don't know what you need or what you are doing half the time. It's exhausting moving from the bed to the couch. After about 4 days, you start to see cracks in the clouds. You will have an hour or two where you finally feel like you are starting to be a person again. But the breaks will only last so long and then you will get so tired and feel like you are back in the clouds. Eventually, the breaks come more often and little by little you feel like you are returning to "normal". Even though, there is no normal anymore. But just better than you were, anyway. As the days go on, it does get better and better but you will always tire out more easily than you would like. When you start to feel good, you will overdo it and then pay the price later. I can't wait until the effects are all gone, I start getting my hair back and most importantly, can fully taste food again!!

I thought that I would have at least 2 weeks rest before radiation, but as momma says, "there is no rest for the weary."  In order to try and finish all my treatments by years end, I found out the day before chemo that I had to start radiation this week. So, they squeezed me in for the mapping CT scan during my chemo day and I have started radiation just one week later. They are a little concerned about the burning since I'm doing it so close to chemo and apparently, my chemo is radio sensitive so I may burn worse than some. But I am also glad they are flexible and willing to help me get all the treatments done before the end of the year. So, here we go onto the next phase of fun!

Open Eyes, Open Heart

 10/18/2023

Now that I am post 3 chemo treatments with only 1 left, I have had some time and mental capacity to reflect on my journey, so far. When I started this process, I read a post from someone going through breast cancer and one thing that stuck out to me was her talking about how you will be surprised about the people that are there for you and the people aren't. When you go through something so hard like cancer, it's when you learn who your true friends are and sometimes it's not the people you think it will be.

When you are first diagnosed, you have lots of support, lots of messages. After a while and you are in the thick of the treatments, the support dies down, which I think is expected because people are busy and have their lives to live. In my experience, the people that have been there for me the most have been the survivors. Some of them were great with information and helped me prepare for treatments. Some brought or sent gifts or dinner. Some of them just simply checked in on me from time to time. You'd be amazed how just a simple note or message from someone saying they are thinking about you will help your mindset. I even received gifts and notes from people I didn't know personally but knew my husband. Unfortunately, I think this highlights the fact that the people you thought were going to be the ones there for you, are in fact, absent. And I'm not going to lie, it can hurt. But I do feel like it has really been teaching me an important lesson through all of this.

I think people in general tend to be selfish. It is the human way, of course. To only stay focused on yourself and your goals. When I was graduating high school, I didn't really have a clear professional plan (I still don't!). I was interested in missions and serving in the church, but didn't feel a specific calling necessarily. They asked us to put our future plans in the yearbook and I racked my brain forever trying to figure out what to write. What I wound up writing was my future plans were "to help people". That's it. Seems simple enough. But all these years later, I definitely do not feel like I lived up to this even generic goal. What have I actually done to help people? It makes me sad and humbled. When I was in high school, I feel like I had a servant's heart. I was very involved in the church and served others constantly. But through the years, my heart has become hardened and selfish. I have not served others as I should. I have not shown Christ's love to others as I should. So recently, when I reflected on how I have been let down by others, I was quickly reminded of the way I have let other people down in the same way. Ouch. Instead of kind and caring, I have been selfish and self serving for a long time now. So, I have been praying for God to change me. To open my eyes and heart to others. To change my perspective and bring me back to that servant's heart that I used to have. After all, isn't that what a Christian is all about? To be like Christ, who was the ultimate servant for all of us.

"In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death - even death on a cross!" Philippians 2:5-8

Chemo Treatments

10/17/2023

It's been 2 months since my last update. The truth is since the chemo started, my brain has been a mess and oftentimes the days feel like a blur. I probably won't be able to remember all the details but here is a summary of my 3 chemo's so far.

After a long delay, my first chemo was on Tues, August 29th. The day itself was such a relief to me and I was excited to get to the next part of the journey. The doctor said she never had seem someone so excited to get chemo before. Side effects were mostly as expected, though the bone pain from the Neulasta shot was so bad the following weekend, I almost went to the ER. But I was able to take Advil to get it under control and since then, the Claritin they suggest to take has been keeping that pain under control. After treatment, I actually felt ok Wed and Thurs (just progressively more tired), but by Friday, I was having a lot of stomach effects. On Saturday, I still was able to attend some of Elijah's hockey games (leveling tournament) though. Sunday was the worst day with the bone pain. One of the worse parts of the chemo experience was (and is) the steroids they make you take the day before, day of and day after the chemo. They made me red in the face and chest, bloated, hungry all the time and give me insomnia.

Next chemo was 3 weeks later, on Tues, September 19th. Had a little trouble with the cooling cap machine but the treatment itself went fine. The side effects were similar to the first time, but my down days were a little more severe. I think Friday and Saturday were spent in bed. It is hard to describe to the complete fatigue I felt. This is about the time my hair started falling out. It's hard to describe what its like to hold a clump of your hair in your hand. It's devastating mentally. Even though you know "It's just hair, it will grow back" (which is not something that is helpful to us), it takes a toll on you mentally and especially emotionally. Even when it grows back, it will never be the same. Also, add that to the feeling of how ugly you are already feeling from your altered Frankenstein- looking body, your self esteem really takes a hit. Most of my hair shedding came from the top and lasted about from days 15-28 (before and after my 2nd chemo). I've lost about 60-70% of my hair maybe and mostly on the top. I wear hats and it still looks like I have hair since I still have it on the bottom. At least the hats keep me warm at the rink.

Third chemo was last week, Tues, October 10th. Each treatment, I seem to dread a little more so I did not have a great attitude on the day. I really didn't want to be there. I didn't like my nurse as much. I could not wait for it to be over and get out of there. Side effects of this treatment were similar again but always a little different than the ones before. My stomach was a lot more queasy with this one. I felt worse faster this time and my bad days seemed a little worse, as expected. Again, I spent two days, this time was Thursday and Friday in bed mostly. Also, the hot flashes were a lot of worse with this one. By Sunday, I was starting to feel the fog lift a little though. Chemo brain/fog has definitely been a huge side effect through all the treatments (some days better than others), which is probably why it's hard to write. All 3 chemo's also made me lose my taste, which is definitely no fun. It always seems to start coming back just in time for the next chemo. This is one of the worst parts for me because I love food. LOL

My next and final chemo is scheduled for Tues, October 31st (Halloween!). I am looking forward to it in the sense that I cannot wait for this part to be over. I really hope I never have to do this again. I am dreading it in the sense of all the side effects being the most severe afterward. But I am excited that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am almost there. And then I can move on to the next stage of radiation treatments. I am certain it cannot be any worse than this.