Being strong and independent is not always a good thing. And needing others is sometimes good...and necessary. When I was younger, my dad nicknamed me "independent Jenn". At that time, I always thought of it as a compliment. "Wow, isn't it so great to be so independent? I can do what I want and I don't need anyone else. I am so grown up." I always wanted to be doing my own thing, going my own way, grow up too fast. Now when I think of the name, I am almost ashamed.
Yes, it's true that there is a degree of strength and independence one needs in order to live life successfully. Otherwise, no one would leave their childhood house, go to college or move away to a new city. But when others look at you and say, "Oh, she is fine, she doesn't need anyone. She's got it all under control", then you are truly on your own. There will be no offers to do this or that. No one will think to see how you are doing, because you are, of course, are fine. The loneliness I tend to feel is not everyone else's fault. It's mostly my own fault. If I make others think that I am strong and can handle anything, they will not give me a second thought. And can you blame them? Why waste time on someone who doesn't need it. But the truth is, I am as vulnerable and needy as everyone else. I just try to hide it. I have always felt that these things make me weak. I also do not want to have to rely on anyone else because I am sure I will be disappointed. The problem with this is that I am the one missing out. I am missing out on closeness and friendships. Of course, there are a few people in my life that I know I can count on and they will be there for me no matter what. But there is a reason my email is mostly spam and the only people that call my phone are those that want money.
Admitedly, building friendships is not something I am good at. I have so many shortfalls. I have a hard time asking people for help. I have a hard time being vulnerable. I don't want to be perceived as weak. I have a hard time seeing needs of people right in front of me. I am stubborn, hardened, prideful. And I ashamed of all these things. So tonight I am praying for change in my life. Because ultimately, God is the only one who can change me.
