Lately, I have been so overwhelmed. I am struggling with many things - getting things done at home, not getting angry with my kids, not wanting to sleep ALL the time. I just can't seem to get myself motivated. I suffer from depression. It comes in waves. Sometimes I am fine, sometimes I am not. Sometimes, the feelings of sadness and hopelessness try to swallow me whole and it takes all my energy to push them down, not feel them, pretend they don't exist. I am SO tired. If anyone could see or hear inside my head and heart, they would probably be scared and run for their lives. I have struggled with this on and off my whole life. I have gone through periods of happiness and where I felt good. But the last few months have been probably the worst I have ever felt. Not sure if I am just more aware of it or if certain situations have brought my insecurities to the surface more. Maybe a combination of things. There are many issues I am working through right now. Not having a steady, loving home church is probably much to blame as well. This is something that is on the top of my priority list for this year. To find a place where my family and I belong - somewhere where I do not feel we are invisible and where people actually care (or even notice) if we come or not. But that is another subject altogether for another time and place.
Another thing about me that maybe not many know is that social situations absolutely exhaust me. I sometimes like to think that I have a touch of Asperger's syndrome. Because then I have an "excuse". And while that I may have a tendency toward tunnel vision or feeling awkward in front of people, I know that is not really the problem. The last year I have extended myself and put myself out there on different occasions. In the process, I have started to learn so much about myself. Some things I knew, some things I am just realizing for the first time. But what it ultimately comes down to is knowing yourself. Who am I really? At age 37, I feel like I only half know. Something I recently realized is that I have a tendency to be who people think I should be instead of who I really am. And trying to be someone other than who you truly are is exhausting. Especially when you don't even really know who you are fully.
I try so hard to fit in. I try to care about making my own laundry detergent or shampoo. I try to care that my kids sometimes eat too much macaroni and cheese. I can't say this or that or joke about that, no one would get it, no one would get ME. I have to do this or that because that is what is expected of me (even if I have remotely no interest in actually doing it). And then there is the extra pressure I put on myself. Sometimes I say to myself "try to talk more" and sometimes I say "try not to talk at all because the last time you said something really stupid". Oh, and when I do say something really stupid, I will replay the conversation over and over in my head, beat myself up about why I didn't say this or that instead. I am truly a great conversationalist AFTER the conversation is over and I can script it to my liking! And why, oh why do I have to laugh when I'm nervous?? I mean seriously, who does that? Maybe part of the problem is that I don't like who I am, so I try to be someone who I would like. I try to make myself someone I and then consequently, others would ultimately like. It hasn't worked. It won't work. I am not being true to myself. And in the process, I am driving myself crazy because of it. And so sometimes, it is easier to just avoid social interaction altogether. There is only so much self awareness and self reflection I can take at a time. And sometimes I just need a break. But this doesn't mean I will ever stop trying. I want to be the best version of me that I can be. I am reminded of a popular Christian poster I may have had growing up "Be patient. God isn't finished with me yet."
“Resolve to be thyself; and know that he who finds himself, loses his misery.” – Matthew Arnold
“It is not only the most difficult thing to know oneself, but the most inconvenient one, too.” – H.W. Shaw
