Panic, who me??

It's the third week of summer and it's been an interesting one. This particular week we have been busy with swimming lessons and VBS. It's been a little hectic at times and I haven't gotten all the stuff done I have wanted to each day. But that doesn't seem any different than any other week really. But this week was different. Because at some point, my body told me it was all too much.

On Wednesday night, June 14th, I had an experience I have never had before. It just so happens that on this night, my husband had to go into work for a deployment. At some point between 11pm-2am, my daughter decided she was going to come sleep in our bed. I don't know about you, but I cannot sleep when my kids are in my bed. Especially her, because she always pushes me off, even if my husband isn't there. But since he wasn't there, I just left her. At 2am, a sound awoke me. I have no idea what it was. And then, I thought I heard a helicopter. My heart started racing. It was beating hard. The A/C unit (which is right outside our window) went off. And I didn't hear the "helicopter" anymore. I messaged my husband. I checked Facebook. I got up. I went to Moriah's room. First off, someone had turned the fan on in her room. There are no blades on the fan because we are supposed to be taking it down so it was just the middle piece going in circles. So that is probably why Moriah woke up and came in our bed. I got a flashlight and looked at the A/C unit. Thinking maybe it was making a different sound or freezing up. It looked ok. I am messaging my husband as this is going on because I am having so much anxiety. And, in general, I tend to be paranoid, especially overnight, about someone being outside our house or someone breaking in or something bad happening in the neighborhood. I don't feel safe a lot. Not that anything has ever happened (except a bike getting stolen once). But I just know that one of these nights, something bad is going to happen. I have woken up many nights, thinking I hear something and walking around anxious and scared about what might be outside. Well, this night it escalated until my chest was hurting. Of course, this whole time I am checking Facebook, sure that something was going on and there was a helicopter close by. (There wasn't). And messaging my husband. Like he didn't have enough going on at work. After my chest starting hurting, I looked up the symptoms of having a heart attack. I was having them!! Which made me freak out even more because I didn't know what to do. I could call 911 but I am here alone with the kids. I had visions of getting taken away in an ambulance while my kids looked on. It was around this time, I decided to put Moriah back in her bed just in case I did call 911. As the night went on, I tried calming down, breathing, going back to sleep because surely this is not a heart attack. Wouldn't I have died by now? But I'm afraid to go to sleep because what if I die and I don't wake up? I kept getting up and down and in the bathroom and out of the bathroom (because I definitely nervous pee). I'm messaging my husband. Maybe I should call someone? It's 5am. He finally comes home. We discuss what we could or should do. He wants to take me down to the fire station to get checked out by the paramedics. I'm like, can you do that? And what will we do with the kids? He says, we can call someone to sit over here while I take you or you can drive yourself. I don't want to go by myself! So I say, I guess I just need to call so they can come here. I freak out. I cry. I feel ridiculous. I don't want to pay for an ambulance. Especially if they say, you are fine. What a waste that would be. And I definitely don't want to waste anyone else's time if I am fine. I have to say, my husband was great. And he was so tired since he had been up all night. But he prayed with me. And he was ok with whatever I wanted to do. I told him I would call so we wouldn't have to call and bother anyone else. He got fully dressed and put the lights on outside. I dialed 9-1-1 and just put the phone down. I could not press send. And I never did. I laid down. He laid down. At this point, we were both just so exhausted. We both fell asleep.

In the morning, my chest still hurts, like someone is sitting on me or like I ate food that never went down all the way. I decide I should just go see my doctor and see what the heck might be going on instead of waiting until I feel like it's an emergency. I take the younger two to swim lessons and of course, I left my phone at home. After swim lessons, they go to VBS and I get home and I finally call the doctor. They put me on hold. They talk to the nurse. They say I should come in right away. Can you come in 30-40 min? Ok. I'm scared again. Josiah was supposed to go to swim lessons, but he says it's ok if he misses. I ask him to come to the Dr with me. He says no. I say to him, almost in tears, please Josiah, I don't want to go alone and I'm scared. He says, ok. We go. We wait. I figure out a way for someone to pick up my kids from VBS. I get into the doctor's office. They talk to me, take my blood pressure and heart rate and finally, an EKG. The doctor comes in and after more discussion, his conclusion is that I had a panic attack. I was so afraid of hearing that. I don't panic. I am not a panicker! He prescribes me a medicine to take that night and wants me to get a good nights sleep and wants to see me the next day (today) to make sure nothing else is going on and to make sure I am feeling ok. I take my Xanax. And go to sleep. It was the best sleep I have gotten in a LONG time. I don't usually sleep through the night. I'm always waking up at some point for some reason or just restless in general. Or having weird dreams. I feel better the next morning. But the pressure is still there. I go see the doctor again. He was so great about the whole thing and he made me feel better. He said it's not all just in your head. There are actual physical symptoms in a panic attack. He was very kind about the whole thing and not at all judgmental, which I appreciated. He never made me feel crazy or stupid. He warns me that it could keep happening or maybe not. He asked me numerous time, how are you feeling now? I feel like he really cares and that's important. I tell him I need a prescription that says I have to get a massage. He reminds me that it's actually fathers day weekend. We laugh. On my way out, he tells me to tell my husband to give me a massage. I guess I'll have to take that and see if it works. We laugh again. It's always good to end an appointment laughing.

I don't know if this was an isolated incident or if there will be more of them. I actually don't know much about panic attacks in general. I never thought I would have one. I have never been so close to calling 911 in my whole life than I was at that moment. It was scary. But it has made me really think about how I am spending my time. And honestly, I spent way too much time on Facebook, where I read all kinds of stories of horrible things happening. Shootings, killings, deaths, water heaters exploding. And then, on the flip side, I read all the great things my "friends" are doing and saying and I just feel like a loser most of the time compared to them. I will never be as good a person, a mother, a wife, an employee, etc., etc. as they are or have as good a life as they have. So, I have come to the conclusion that I HAVE to limit my time on Facebook. As well as other changes I'm sure. I'm not exactly sure what it will look like yet but I really need to re-evaluate my life and how I'm living it. I need to work on myself and getting closer to God and my family. It will be a process and I don't know the end result, but I just know I need to start making changes.

The Sound of Silence

Today I am here and I am heartbroken. Over a few things specifically. A friendship that ended and I'm wondering why. My heart is so broken over it. I feel a hole and I don't know how to fill it. A church that may just not be for us. But what to do about it? I am confused, depressed, feeling alone, wondering what's next. I know I probably shouldn't post this, but this is my reality. I wrote this a couple months ago and I still feel the same. Some days I am so depressed, I want to just get in bed and never get up. Luckily, when you have kids you have to keep going. And so, that's what I do. What I am asking for is prayers. Prayers for joy, peace and guidance. I need Him so badly right now.

Written 1-30-17
Do you know the feeling of when the silence is so loud, it almost hurts? When you are staring at your phone, willing it to ring or a notification to sound or just to get some sort of idea that you someone somewhere is thinking of you?
"I am alone" "No one cares" "How do I keep winding up in the same place?"

I have tried many times with many people. Some people never reciprocate. Some people do only to stop at some point. I don't know why. It's never explained to me. You should have to tell someone why you don't want to be their friend anymore before you are allowed to disappear. Unfortunately, that's not how life works. So, I just get tossed aside time and time again. And I have no idea why. Is it because I'm weird? Is it because I said something offensive? Is it my dry sense of humor? Am I too depressed all the time and didn't hide it well enough? Or am I too open with my depression and people are like, oh no, can't deal with that burden. I don't know if I will ever be able to let someone know the true me without the eventual ruin of the friendship. I never thought myself as high maintenance. I always try to go with the flow, be laid back. Whatever you want is fine. But then it's that I'm too easy going and I never can make a decision. Why can't you take charge? Um, because that's not me. And when they leave me, I let them go. I am unwanted. I am heartbroken. I am sad. I am lonely. I think, this is how I'm meant to live. No one will stick around. No one finds you interesting enough to get to know. And if and when they do, they will ultimately leave. They won't like you. And they will replace you with someone better. Someone who will suit their needs much better. And you will be alone. This has been your struggle from the beginning and it will never change.

Yesterday, I cried during church. Besides the greeter lady telling me how glad she was I was there, there was no one. I can walk into an ABF, maybe exchange a hi or two, hear a great message but then, there's nothing. No one wants to know me. No one asks me any questions. They just don't want me to take their normal seat. And in the service, people will awkwardly shake my hand during the greeting time but only because they are forced to. I honestly feel like we unknowingly have an invisibility cloak on when we are at church. When's the last time I heard, "Hey, I'd love to get to know you better. Would you like to have lunch or come over for dinner sometime?" "Hey, we are getting together to do ______, want to join us?" or even "Hey, who are you and what are you doing here??" To be fair, there have been broad type of invitations (the whole ABF is doing such and such) but there are times when we cannot go to events or ABFs because of Elijah's soccer schedule or some other conflict. But when we are available, it's so hard to force yourself places, when you aren't sure anyone even wants you there. Is it such a bad thing to want to be known by someone? Maybe we are just that weird family that is always scolding our kids because they can't behave in service. Or, maybe we are seen as too quiet, too reserved so we can't be any fun. Well then, we should be the ones reaching out then, right? Maybe it's because we're not asking questions or showing up at events. Let me just say, we have tried in the past. We have invited multiple people to lunch out, to dinner or lunch at our house. Of at least 4 of these, not one of these invitations have been reciprocated. We reached out and they all said, thanks, but no thanks. It's hard to get over that kind of rejection. So, find another church, you say. Oh, we have tried. Multiple times. With always the same result. So that only leaves me with a it's not them, it's us answer. Which is not helpful. Because we are who we are and maybe there is just no place for us. So, we go where at least we enjoy the music and the preaching and hope that our kids will at least be accepted and be excited to learn about Christ. Well, Josiah never wants to go to church (of course, most of that is probably him). Sunday, he tried to get out of going to class. But I was having a rough morning and he quietly made the decision to go to class and not fight me in the hallway. To which I was relieved of at first, but then just felt bad. Cue, the tears. He has not made any great friends in 10 years. Now being in middle school, the leaders try but I almost wonder if it's too late. It hurts my heart. Elijah is too shy. He also hasn't really made any great friendships after 8 years either. And he doesn't seem particularly interested in what they are learning (at least that he shows us) and that pains me and makes me feel like a failure. Moriah is the only one who loves it, makes friends and always wants to go. But she is outgoing and thankfully, will be this way no matter where she goes.1 out of 3 kids thriving. It makes me sad. It makes me think, what in the world are we doing here? And unfortunately, I don't know. All I can do is pray for clarity, pray for direction, pray for a change of heart. Because yes, I know, it's not always in the right place.

"You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

 

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

 

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

 

Hillsong United - Oceans

Preparing for a test all wrong

Sorry for the late post on this, but just realized I never posted this about Josiah.
Written 9/16/15
So, those of you who know our family know the struggles we have had with our eldest, Josiah. Josiah is 10 years old. He is sweet, silly, quirky and unique. We have always known there was something different about him. When he was 3-4, we had one psychologist tell us he had Aspergers (high functioning autism). When we had him assessed, we were told that he was not on the spectrum but that he was close to it and we should have him assessed again in the future. I think from this point on, I thought of him as Aspergers. I figured he was just too young to get the diagnosis but would eventually. Due to insurance issues and the fact that he was doing relatively well in school, we decided not to have him tested again unless it became a bigger issue, especially at school. At the end of 4th grade, we noticed some problems with school work and home work and knew that it was time to get him re-assessed, especially with middle school lurking right around the corner. It took me about 2 months to figure out how the insurance worked and where we could get him tested since the place who did his original testing is out of network. (Gotta love the healthcare system!) I did find a wonderful lady who has done a great job with us since we contacted her.

So, for about 6 years now I have lived under the assumption that Josiah has Aspergers. I have gone through periods of great research so that I could better understand him and help him move forward in life. I thought I will be ahead of the game when the actual diagnosis came. My husband has always told me that he did not think he had it. I just dismissed this because he does not spend as much time with him as I do. My biggest fear was that after this assessment, she would tell us we were in the same place as before - he was not on the spectrum and was just a weird kid and there was nothing we could do about it.

Results day was a few days ago. As the psychologist started talking and explaining the tests and findings, I could not really tell where it was going. I could see it was going away from autism spectrum disorder and then the dreaded word... ADHD. No, no way. Josiah does not have that. I started to panic a little. But I have to say, our psychologist explained things so well and things started making so much sense. Josiah has trouble with the hyperactivity and impulse control, not so much the attention deficit. So what about all the social awkwardness and problems. Josiah landed in the gray area between an autism spectrum disorder and what is considered normal. The formal diagnosis is Social (Pragmatic) Communication Disorder. (Who doesn't have this at some point, right?? LOL) Basically, he knows what he should be doing but for some reason cannot always do it.

She told us a story about when Josiah spent the day with her testing. He spent a good 6-7 hours with her on the day of testing. She was struggling with his diagnosis throughout the day. She said her clarity actually came after the testing was done. They were waiting for me to pick him up. It was then he realized that he didn't know anything about her. He started asking her questions - do you have kids? where do you live? does it take you long to get to work?, etc. She said it was then that she realized he could not be on the spectrum because someone on the spectrum would not do this on his own. Guys, the thought of this gets me so choked up. I know it does not seem like a big deal. But I did not know he had the capacity for this. I was shocked. It still is taking me some time to digest this fact.