The Sound of Silence

Today I am here and I am heartbroken. Over a few things specifically. A friendship that ended and I'm wondering why. My heart is so broken over it. I feel a hole and I don't know how to fill it. A church that may just not be for us. But what to do about it? I am confused, depressed, feeling alone, wondering what's next. I know I probably shouldn't post this, but this is my reality. I wrote this a couple months ago and I still feel the same. Some days I am so depressed, I want to just get in bed and never get up. Luckily, when you have kids you have to keep going. And so, that's what I do. What I am asking for is prayers. Prayers for joy, peace and guidance. I need Him so badly right now.

Written 1-30-17
Do you know the feeling of when the silence is so loud, it almost hurts? When you are staring at your phone, willing it to ring or a notification to sound or just to get some sort of idea that you someone somewhere is thinking of you?
"I am alone" "No one cares" "How do I keep winding up in the same place?"

I have tried many times with many people. Some people never reciprocate. Some people do only to stop at some point. I don't know why. It's never explained to me. You should have to tell someone why you don't want to be their friend anymore before you are allowed to disappear. Unfortunately, that's not how life works. So, I just get tossed aside time and time again. And I have no idea why. Is it because I'm weird? Is it because I said something offensive? Is it my dry sense of humor? Am I too depressed all the time and didn't hide it well enough? Or am I too open with my depression and people are like, oh no, can't deal with that burden. I don't know if I will ever be able to let someone know the true me without the eventual ruin of the friendship. I never thought myself as high maintenance. I always try to go with the flow, be laid back. Whatever you want is fine. But then it's that I'm too easy going and I never can make a decision. Why can't you take charge? Um, because that's not me. And when they leave me, I let them go. I am unwanted. I am heartbroken. I am sad. I am lonely. I think, this is how I'm meant to live. No one will stick around. No one finds you interesting enough to get to know. And if and when they do, they will ultimately leave. They won't like you. And they will replace you with someone better. Someone who will suit their needs much better. And you will be alone. This has been your struggle from the beginning and it will never change.

Yesterday, I cried during church. Besides the greeter lady telling me how glad she was I was there, there was no one. I can walk into an ABF, maybe exchange a hi or two, hear a great message but then, there's nothing. No one wants to know me. No one asks me any questions. They just don't want me to take their normal seat. And in the service, people will awkwardly shake my hand during the greeting time but only because they are forced to. I honestly feel like we unknowingly have an invisibility cloak on when we are at church. When's the last time I heard, "Hey, I'd love to get to know you better. Would you like to have lunch or come over for dinner sometime?" "Hey, we are getting together to do ______, want to join us?" or even "Hey, who are you and what are you doing here??" To be fair, there have been broad type of invitations (the whole ABF is doing such and such) but there are times when we cannot go to events or ABFs because of Elijah's soccer schedule or some other conflict. But when we are available, it's so hard to force yourself places, when you aren't sure anyone even wants you there. Is it such a bad thing to want to be known by someone? Maybe we are just that weird family that is always scolding our kids because they can't behave in service. Or, maybe we are seen as too quiet, too reserved so we can't be any fun. Well then, we should be the ones reaching out then, right? Maybe it's because we're not asking questions or showing up at events. Let me just say, we have tried in the past. We have invited multiple people to lunch out, to dinner or lunch at our house. Of at least 4 of these, not one of these invitations have been reciprocated. We reached out and they all said, thanks, but no thanks. It's hard to get over that kind of rejection. So, find another church, you say. Oh, we have tried. Multiple times. With always the same result. So that only leaves me with a it's not them, it's us answer. Which is not helpful. Because we are who we are and maybe there is just no place for us. So, we go where at least we enjoy the music and the preaching and hope that our kids will at least be accepted and be excited to learn about Christ. Well, Josiah never wants to go to church (of course, most of that is probably him). Sunday, he tried to get out of going to class. But I was having a rough morning and he quietly made the decision to go to class and not fight me in the hallway. To which I was relieved of at first, but then just felt bad. Cue, the tears. He has not made any great friends in 10 years. Now being in middle school, the leaders try but I almost wonder if it's too late. It hurts my heart. Elijah is too shy. He also hasn't really made any great friendships after 8 years either. And he doesn't seem particularly interested in what they are learning (at least that he shows us) and that pains me and makes me feel like a failure. Moriah is the only one who loves it, makes friends and always wants to go. But she is outgoing and thankfully, will be this way no matter where she goes.1 out of 3 kids thriving. It makes me sad. It makes me think, what in the world are we doing here? And unfortunately, I don't know. All I can do is pray for clarity, pray for direction, pray for a change of heart. Because yes, I know, it's not always in the right place.

"You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

 

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

 

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

 

Hillsong United - Oceans

Preparing for a test all wrong

Sorry for the late post on this, but just realized I never posted this about Josiah.
Written 9/16/15
So, those of you who know our family know the struggles we have had with our eldest, Josiah. Josiah is 10 years old. He is sweet, silly, quirky and unique. We have always known there was something different about him. When he was 3-4, we had one psychologist tell us he had Aspergers (high functioning autism). When we had him assessed, we were told that he was not on the spectrum but that he was close to it and we should have him assessed again in the future. I think from this point on, I thought of him as Aspergers. I figured he was just too young to get the diagnosis but would eventually. Due to insurance issues and the fact that he was doing relatively well in school, we decided not to have him tested again unless it became a bigger issue, especially at school. At the end of 4th grade, we noticed some problems with school work and home work and knew that it was time to get him re-assessed, especially with middle school lurking right around the corner. It took me about 2 months to figure out how the insurance worked and where we could get him tested since the place who did his original testing is out of network. (Gotta love the healthcare system!) I did find a wonderful lady who has done a great job with us since we contacted her.

So, for about 6 years now I have lived under the assumption that Josiah has Aspergers. I have gone through periods of great research so that I could better understand him and help him move forward in life. I thought I will be ahead of the game when the actual diagnosis came. My husband has always told me that he did not think he had it. I just dismissed this because he does not spend as much time with him as I do. My biggest fear was that after this assessment, she would tell us we were in the same place as before - he was not on the spectrum and was just a weird kid and there was nothing we could do about it.

Results day was a few days ago. As the psychologist started talking and explaining the tests and findings, I could not really tell where it was going. I could see it was going away from autism spectrum disorder and then the dreaded word... ADHD. No, no way. Josiah does not have that. I started to panic a little. But I have to say, our psychologist explained things so well and things started making so much sense. Josiah has trouble with the hyperactivity and impulse control, not so much the attention deficit. So what about all the social awkwardness and problems. Josiah landed in the gray area between an autism spectrum disorder and what is considered normal. The formal diagnosis is Social (Pragmatic) Communication Disorder. (Who doesn't have this at some point, right?? LOL) Basically, he knows what he should be doing but for some reason cannot always do it.

She told us a story about when Josiah spent the day with her testing. He spent a good 6-7 hours with her on the day of testing. She was struggling with his diagnosis throughout the day. She said her clarity actually came after the testing was done. They were waiting for me to pick him up. It was then he realized that he didn't know anything about her. He started asking her questions - do you have kids? where do you live? does it take you long to get to work?, etc. She said it was then that she realized he could not be on the spectrum because someone on the spectrum would not do this on his own. Guys, the thought of this gets me so choked up. I know it does not seem like a big deal. But I did not know he had the capacity for this. I was shocked. It still is taking me some time to digest this fact.