It's the third week of summer and it's been an interesting one. This particular week we have been busy with swimming lessons and VBS. It's been a little hectic at times and I haven't gotten all the stuff done I have wanted to each day. But that doesn't seem any different than any other week really. But this week was different. Because at some point, my body told me it was all too much.
On Wednesday night, June 14th, I had an experience I have never had before. It just so happens that on this night, my husband had to go into work for a deployment. At some point between 11pm-2am, my daughter decided she was going to come sleep in our bed. I don't know about you, but I cannot sleep when my kids are in my bed. Especially her, because she always pushes me off, even if my husband isn't there. But since he wasn't there, I just left her. At 2am, a sound awoke me. I have no idea what it was. And then, I thought I heard a helicopter. My heart started racing. It was beating hard. The A/C unit (which is right outside our window) went off. And I didn't hear the "helicopter" anymore. I messaged my husband. I checked Facebook. I got up. I went to Moriah's room. First off, someone had turned the fan on in her room. There are no blades on the fan because we are supposed to be taking it down so it was just the middle piece going in circles. So that is probably why Moriah woke up and came in our bed. I got a flashlight and looked at the A/C unit. Thinking maybe it was making a different sound or freezing up. It looked ok. I am messaging my husband as this is going on because I am having so much anxiety. And, in general, I tend to be paranoid, especially overnight, about someone being outside our house or someone breaking in or something bad happening in the neighborhood. I don't feel safe a lot. Not that anything has ever happened (except a bike getting stolen once). But I just know that one of these nights, something bad is going to happen. I have woken up many nights, thinking I hear something and walking around anxious and scared about what might be outside. Well, this night it escalated until my chest was hurting. Of course, this whole time I am checking Facebook, sure that something was going on and there was a helicopter close by. (There wasn't). And messaging my husband. Like he didn't have enough going on at work. After my chest starting hurting, I looked up the symptoms of having a heart attack. I was having them!! Which made me freak out even more because I didn't know what to do. I could call 911 but I am here alone with the kids. I had visions of getting taken away in an ambulance while my kids looked on. It was around this time, I decided to put Moriah back in her bed just in case I did call 911. As the night went on, I tried calming down, breathing, going back to sleep because surely this is not a heart attack. Wouldn't I have died by now? But I'm afraid to go to sleep because what if I die and I don't wake up? I kept getting up and down and in the bathroom and out of the bathroom (because I definitely nervous pee). I'm messaging my husband. Maybe I should call someone? It's 5am. He finally comes home. We discuss what we could or should do. He wants to take me down to the fire station to get checked out by the paramedics. I'm like, can you do that? And what will we do with the kids? He says, we can call someone to sit over here while I take you or you can drive yourself. I don't want to go by myself! So I say, I guess I just need to call so they can come here. I freak out. I cry. I feel ridiculous. I don't want to pay for an ambulance. Especially if they say, you are fine. What a waste that would be. And I definitely don't want to waste anyone else's time if I am fine. I have to say, my husband was great. And he was so tired since he had been up all night. But he prayed with me. And he was ok with whatever I wanted to do. I told him I would call so we wouldn't have to call and bother anyone else. He got fully dressed and put the lights on outside. I dialed 9-1-1 and just put the phone down. I could not press send. And I never did. I laid down. He laid down. At this point, we were both just so exhausted. We both fell asleep.
In the morning, my chest still hurts, like someone is sitting on me or like I ate food that never went down all the way. I decide I should just go see my doctor and see what the heck might be going on instead of waiting until I feel like it's an emergency. I take the younger two to swim lessons and of course, I left my phone at home. After swim lessons, they go to VBS and I get home and I finally call the doctor. They put me on hold. They talk to the nurse. They say I should come in right away. Can you come in 30-40 min? Ok. I'm scared again. Josiah was supposed to go to swim lessons, but he says it's ok if he misses. I ask him to come to the Dr with me. He says no. I say to him, almost in tears, please Josiah, I don't want to go alone and I'm scared. He says, ok. We go. We wait. I figure out a way for someone to pick up my kids from VBS. I get into the doctor's office. They talk to me, take my blood pressure and heart rate and finally, an EKG. The doctor comes in and after more discussion, his conclusion is that I had a panic attack. I was so afraid of hearing that. I don't panic. I am not a panicker! He prescribes me a medicine to take that night and wants me to get a good nights sleep and wants to see me the next day (today) to make sure nothing else is going on and to make sure I am feeling ok. I take my Xanax. And go to sleep. It was the best sleep I have gotten in a LONG time. I don't usually sleep through the night. I'm always waking up at some point for some reason or just restless in general. Or having weird dreams. I feel better the next morning. But the pressure is still there. I go see the doctor again. He was so great about the whole thing and he made me feel better. He said it's not all just in your head. There are actual physical symptoms in a panic attack. He was very kind about the whole thing and not at all judgmental, which I appreciated. He never made me feel crazy or stupid. He warns me that it could keep happening or maybe not. He asked me numerous time, how are you feeling now? I feel like he really cares and that's important. I tell him I need a prescription that says I have to get a massage. He reminds me that it's actually fathers day weekend. We laugh. On my way out, he tells me to tell my husband to give me a massage. I guess I'll have to take that and see if it works. We laugh again. It's always good to end an appointment laughing.
I don't know if this was an isolated incident or if there will be more of them. I actually don't know much about panic attacks in general. I never thought I would have one. I have never been so close to calling 911 in my whole life than I was at that moment. It was scary. But it has made me really think about how I am spending my time. And honestly, I spent way too much time on Facebook, where I read all kinds of stories of horrible things happening. Shootings, killings, deaths, water heaters exploding. And then, on the flip side, I read all the great things my "friends" are doing and saying and I just feel like a loser most of the time compared to them. I will never be as good a person, a mother, a wife, an employee, etc., etc. as they are or have as good a life as they have. So, I have come to the conclusion that I HAVE to limit my time on Facebook. As well as other changes I'm sure. I'm not exactly sure what it will look like yet but I really need to re-evaluate my life and how I'm living it. I need to work on myself and getting closer to God and my family. It will be a process and I don't know the end result, but I just know I need to start making changes.
