I stare at this blank page and suddenly have nothing to say. That must be how I felt on 10/18/18 too since I started a blog entry and when I opened it, it was blank. The truth is though, that I have SO much to say that I feel stuck. I don't know where to start. It's a bit like me looking at the mess that has become my dining room and living room...and kitchen. It's overwhelming. I want to take a step. I want to start. But where? How?
I'm not exactly sure but all I know is I have to start somewhere so, here I go.
It seems that 2018 was a hard year for me. Nothing earth shattering happened. No big tragedy really. Just day to day living as a stay at home mom and wife. And things did happen. Like quitting my part time job in the summer and then in the fall, taking on the responsibility of a parent group at the school. It was my intention to get more involved in the school but honestly, I didn't realize just how hard it was going to be. Don't get me wrong, I love it at times. But at other times, it is grueling, time consuming, non-appreciated work. But overall, I love working with the teachers and staff and love when I'm there doing my part.
So then, why, when it seems like everything is just fine, do I not feel so fine? The truth is that my whole life I have struggled with anxiety and depression. Sometimes it was just a little and sometimes it was a lot. When I was a teenager, I found myself in a bad place. I haven't told many people, but there was one night (probably 1993 or 1994?) when I considered killing myself. Luckily, my friend found out and she told her parents who then told my parents and so they intervened. At some point during this, the doctor gave me Prozac. I took one pill and refused to take any more of them. I was insulted, actually. I had faith. I had a loving family and I was strong enough to get over it myself. And in some ways, I did.
There was another time over 10 years ago that my doctor prescribed me Wellbutrin. I honestly don't even remember the exact reasons or what was happening in my life at that time. I may have taken them a month or so but once again, I was sure that I did not need this medication and so stopped taking it on my own. I couldn't possibly be a Christian, have faith and yet rely on manmade medication to help me be happy. I had to rely on Christ, on my faith, on my family. And I was strong enough, wasn't I?
So fast forward to Fall 2018. Married, 3 kids in school. Stay at home. The dream, right? Oh, the time I will/must have to clean the house, cook the meals, organize my life. And yet, here I sit, over 6 months later, with the house looking the exact same way, meals aren't getting cooked and I barely have the energy to even stay awake all day. The last few years, I have noticed that my social anxiety is on the rise. Social engagements leave me feeling empty and exhausted. But this was something more. And at some point after school started back, I just found myself completely exhausted, numb and lost. Only listening to depressing music. Going back to bed after dropping the kids off or taking naps at random times. (And they always last longer than intended.) So, I thought, I must just need to throw myself even more into something - in this case, volunteering at the school. And boy, did I. But it's like just putting a band-aid on it for a little bit. And when I get back home, the band-aid comes off and I'm even more depleted and honestly, just plain sad. I feel like I give and give until there is nothing left. And it's not that I don't enjoy volunteering because honestly, I love it when I'm doing it. It's just the aftermath that is not so pretty. And I always have the feeling that I could have done more or why didn't I do it this way? Replaying the situations back in my head over and over and pretending I reacted a different way or said a different thing. It's exhausting. But eventually, it will fade. And then, all I'm left with is sadness and feeling lost. Nothing really excites me and I don't really want to do anything or go anywhere.
When you are a stay at home mom, sometimes time blurs. The days can be so similar you can't even remember which day it is. So, I don't know how long this depressive episode has gone on but I think it's the longest I have had in a long time. I'm guessing it started sometime in late summer. And after only a few months of these depressed feelings and knowing I had a Dr. appointment in early November, I finally decided that I had to talk to the Dr. about this. I had already been on anxiety medicine after my panic attack (see my last blog post) and I was less anxious about things. But I knew that this was something different altogether and it wasn't getting any better. So, this time I decided that I needed the anti-depressants. And I have been willingly taking the medicine for about 3 months now. I have been ashamed to tell people about it, but I feel that I need to. That it is all part of the process I need to go through. And I don't know if it is the ultimate answer. I don't know how long I will take it. I don't even know if it's working. All I know is that I am feeling the lowest I have ever felt when it seems like I should be the happiest I have ever been. And I feel like there is a wall around me, even when it comes to God. I want to reach out but I don't. But as I write this, I am reminded of a passage.
2 Corinthians 12:9-11 New International Version (NIV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Right now, I am weak. I definitely need God's grace to get me through. I don't know what all this is for. Or what will be on the other side. But if you are feeling this way, you are not alone. And it has definitely reminded me that you never know what a person is going through. You never know if they seem fine and then they go home and listen to sad songs and cry their eyes out. So, be patient and be kind. God knows we need more of that in today's world.
