There's no crying in baseball...

An iconic line from a great movie. But it turns out that yesterday, at Josiah's first baseball game of this fall season, I found this not to be the case. Of course, it didn't have so much to do with baseball as it had to do with the quiet raging battle inside me. Watching your kids, seeing so much of yourself in them, can really be eye opening.

Elijah, I have an easier time watching because he is friendly and outgoing and most people naturally like him. He is a mix of Frank's dad and my mom. He can be a little shy but for the most part, he is likable and genuinely likes people. Josiah, on the other hand, is more like me and Frank. He is smart, more reserved, quiet, not easily moved, gets stuck on things, likes things to be in a certain place or order, anxious and nervous at times. Watching Josiah out there getting ready for the game with his coach and teammates, all of sudden such emotion came over me. I felt like crying. Of course, most of you would say it's just the pregnancy but it's more than that. Being pregnant I guess just heightens it. He was trying so hard. But every time he would be standing off by himself or looking awkward or anxious, it brought me back to my experiences growing up.

I was very shy and reserved. And I tried so hard for so long to be accepted by the popular or cool kids. I wanted so bad to fit in with them. And watching Josiah made me remember how it felt...to feel so awkward and to be so nervous to do the wrong thing in front of others. I remember playing a couple sports and how anxious I was...not just of playing well, but I wanted them to accept me. I wanted to be part of the "in" crowd. But I was just another regular player, nothing special about me. No great personality, no special skills on the field...nothing to set me apart. I always felt left out, I was just there. This was probably the main reason I quit every sport I started. It was a horrible feeling. And I guess the same could be said about high school and friends in general. I always had a couple of really close friends but felt like an outsider to the rest of the world.

So now I look at Josiah and I think, what could I really do to ease this for him or help him with this? The truth is, I have no idea. Because in life today, I still struggle with these same battle of inferiority. Deep down, I still want so badly to be accepted but the years of hurts have made me so hardened, that I pretend that I don't care. I want to say, this is who I am and if they all don't like it, that's just too bad. And that I am happy with who I am and what I have to offer. But I don't really feel like this at all. Time after time, even now, my inferior feelings of self worth cause me such pain. I don't want this for my son. And I don't want it for me. I am finally, after these many years, trying to work out all these things. I need to help me before I can know how to help him. So I am working on it. It's amazing how we will never do things for ourselves, but when it involves our children, we will do anything to make it better.

Moving On

I can't believe my baby is now 3 years old. I  don't know where the time has gone. This got me thinking. As parents, we are supposed to guide our kids and help them figure out who they are. The ironic and crazy part of this is that here I sit, at age 33 and I'm not even sure who I am. Even after all this time of living and learning, I still feel left out, not fitting in. It's like continual high school (ugh). I try to make friends. It just doesn't happen easily for me. I try to reach out. But after so many disappointments - invitations accepted but not returned, invitations declined, being ignored, promises broken - I can say that I am disillusioned with people in general. I always wind up blaming myself. There must be something wrong with me. I must have done something or maybe I'm just not worth hanging out with. But I'm tired of beating myself up. I have worth, just like everyone else. So what makes me so forgetful? so easy to ignore? I wish I knew. Sad to say, most of the Christians I come across make me feel the same way. In fact, there are probably 2 real friends I can say that I have and neither of them even attend church. There is something wrong with this. Churches are too clickey (if that's a word). Everyone gets in their groups and it's impossible to break through. I think there comes a time when you just have to resign yourself and realize it's not worth trying anymore. When your hurt time and again and no-one even notices, it's time. Moving on is hard. And no-one likes change. But I really need someone to restore my faith in people.

The Beginning of Realization

The last couple of weeks have been interesting. I think it started with the PLACE class at church. We took tests to learn all these things about ourselves and how we therefore can serve others. I also met and spent some time with a wonderful woman of God in our church who just touched me. She is so filled with God and His Spirit. Then I went to the women's conference and immediately felt God's presence so strongly. Almost as soon as I walked in, I suddenly felt a stong need in my life that I was unaware of and know now I need to pray for - the one for a mentor. I also came to so many realizations. As each woman gave their hearfelt testimonies of God's faithfulness, I found myself wondering - after years and years of salvation, why do I not see God's faithfulness in my own life? Why can't I put in words all the wonderful things I have seen God do? I was raised in a Christian home. I went to church most of my life. And yet, all I can think of are the bad things - the hurts, the disappointments. And as I sat there struggling with these thoughts, I suddenly could feel and visualize my heart's poor condition. I could see the open sores - the bitterness, the anger, the resentment I have been holding onto for so long. And for the first time in a long time, I realized that God is not punishing me but instead He actually does want to heal me. He doesn't want me to live this way. I don't have to go through life with all this pain in my heart. What a realization! But the only way He can do this is if I give it to Him and allow Him to begin this process. And I need to be honest with Him. I know the things that I should do and say as a Christian, but it's all motions. I don't really know Him like I should. I gave up devotion time a long time ago. First, I got angry at God for things happening in my life. Then I just got busy and tired and burned out. And where has this left me? Cold and alone. One of the most important things I have come away with from this day is that I NEED to spend time with Him. This is not a "if I have time" or "if it fits into my schedule". By not taking this time, I have essentially cut off my relationship with Him. I have put Him at a distance and said, I will go through the motions because I know that is what I should do. I do not know Him and I sure don't want Him to know me. Because I have been scared to let Him see me, as I really am. I don't want Him to see the dark places inside. I don't even want to acknowledge them to myself. So I put on facade. But how silly is that? He already knows, yet somehow I think I am hiding it from Him?? When I think about it now, I can't believe how foolish I have been. My eyes are being opened to so many things just in the past week, I could be up all night writing about it. I have been hiding in darkness for so long, but now I can finally see the beginning of the Light. I am reminded of this verse (though is may not be in exact context) "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6 Thank God that He does not give up on us. No matter how long we try to keep Him out. 

My "driving" confession

We are sitting in the teacher parent conference today with Josiah's teacher and she is telling us about how Josiah doesn't do well walking in line in the hallway. I never really understood the cryptic notes sent home saying he got in trouble in line or in the hallway. So she explains...she told them one day that if someone isn't paying attention in line and stops while the other students are still walking, the people behind them can go around them. So now apparently Josiah feels like being in line is some sort of race or contest. She said he will go around people even if they are just going slower. As she was explaining this, I had a revelation. It's my fault. Well, really my mother's since apparently her driving habits DID rub off on me. I thought about how I like to pass slow people on the road and how impatient I can be when I'm driving and how that might be affecting him. What a sobering moment. And I'm so ashamed of myself. The truth is that the best and unfortunately, worst part of ourselves are right there in our children for us to see in all their glory. It really does make one think and lately, I have had to examine myself constantly. Does he get that from me? How can I correct it now so he doesn't go through life doing that or feeling that way? Now this isn't necessarily a bad thing because it makes me more aware of the things I need to change in my own life. And so I pray that God will help me learn to control my own behavior so that I can show my kids a better example. One of patience and love for others. Not of impatience and frustration. Because who wants to pass that down to their kids?

My first blog

It's been a long time coming, but I am finally writing my first blog! Of course, with the amount of time it took me to figure out how to start this blog, I am exhausted and don't feel like writing anymore!! Unfortunatly, I am a perfectionist and I don't like to leave things undone. So once I clicked the start a blog button, I had to go through with it no matter what. And then It took me probably an hour just to figure out what to name the darn thing. I don't know who will actually read this, but I'm hoping for me this will be a tool to free the thoughts from my mind. I tend to hold a lot of things in...so, on second thought this might be a dangerous place to let them out!...only time will tell.