Feeling Abandoned? You are not alone.

 

1-7-2021

My last blog post was written and published before all the chaos that ensued in DC on 1-6-2021. Did it change my mind about any of it? No. Do I think it was wrong to storm the Capitol building? Absolutely. Do I understand why it came to that? Also, yes.

At least half of America feels abandoned, silenced, ignored. I know I do.

I feel abandoned by those choice few that decided to take the bait and storm the Capitol building. I don't feel they accurately represent those who support Donald Trump and ruined any statement set out to be made by what was supposed to be a peaceful rally.

I feel abandoned by politicians. As I watched them get up in front of each other and spout off ridiculous lies and hypocrisy, all I could think is they have no idea how the average American feels. They sit in their ivory towers talking about how great and important they are, forgetting the people they swore to represent. They do not live in reality. The majority of them have been corrupted by fame, money and self importance. And the fact they can say that I am not seeing what my eyes are seeing or that thousands of people lied under oath fills me with anger that is hard to manage at times.

I feel abandoned by our justice system. The truth is the fraudulent votes should not have even made it to the Capitol. The justice system in the states with the most obvious fraud failed America. I know people are mad at Pence and other Republicans for not objecting but I don't know that constitutionally there was anything to be done at that point. Of course, I also understand that it is unconscionable that you would be able to certify a result you know is wrong. But honestly, they should have not even be put in that position to begin with.

I feel abandoned by the many who knowingly and even purposely caused a fraudulent election to take place. Their hate was so strong they were willing to do whatever it took to get the job done with absolutely no accountability or consequences to their actions. They got away with it and it will only embolden them to do it again.

I feel abandoned by those who have turned their heads and blinded their eyes to truth for the sake of hate. Hey, we won, so why do we care if we cheated?

I feel abandoned by those who know the truth but remain silent due to fear (including myself). The past few months have been a struggle because while you want to make everyone see what you are seeing, you also don't want to be mocked or unfriended. You don't want people to think you're crazy so you stay silent. I came close to posting things many times but in the end, I usually chickened out. I'm not happy with myself for that and I'm still struggling with it. Because it ultimately means I am being controlled by others and what others think of me.

I feel abandoned by big tech, social media and mainstream news. There is no question that social media and mainstream news has an agenda. They openly limit free speech with no accountability. They tell people what they want them to hear and know. Every news station I tried to watch yesterday was so obviously slanted that I could not stand to watch it for more than 5 minutes at a time (or had to mute it). You cannot trust any of them. Journalism died a long time ago. They no longer do their detective work to find out the truth like Nancy Drew or Veronica Mars. They are told this is the truth and this is what you say. If you deviate from that, you will be silenced or cancelled. Communism right at our door and it is welcomed with open arms.

I even feel abandoned by God. Hours and hours of prayers that seemingly went unheard and unanswered. I don't blame God. America has become a corrupt nation. I think we have seen that clearly this past year. I only hoped that there was enough righteous left that He would have mercy on us and hear our prayers. I think we have our answer. And unfortunately, it is not the one we wanted.

So where does that leave me and people like me? Abandoned and seemingly alone.

However, I know that this is not true. I know God is still with me. Even though it seems like there is no hope and the future is filled with uncertainty. Ultimately, it's not about this life. It's about our life in Christ. This life will pass away and what really matters is our relationship with God and our acceptance of Jesus. Nothing else truly matters. And we were promised that hardship would come. We were promised trials and tribulations. But we were also promised that God would never leave us nor forsake us. So I am holding onto that promise. I will look ahead to better days, not necessarily for our country, but for me. Because I am in Him and He promised He will be with me and take care of me, no matter what.

"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." Psalms 42:5

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5

"Consider it pure joy, my brother and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1: 2-4

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Welcome to Communism, America.

 1-6-2021

I have been contemplating these thoughts and even started writing them down back in November. I have been in such a state of anxiousness and depression for months now because of this election. It's not because I love Trump so much. It's not because I hate the other side so much. But I can look at the bigger picture. And what it seems like to me is that our country is willing to sell itself out just because of the hate that they have for one man. Trump is not an eloquent man. He's egotistical, yes. He says things he shouldn't, for sure. But at the end of the day, he has delivered the best policies and best economy (pre-covid, of course) I have ever seen in a President. I admit that at first I was scared at the prospect of him winning in 2016, but I feel he has proven himself to be a great leader (in most respects). I agree with him policy wise and so that to me is way more important than tweets. Unfortunately, others cannot put aside their hate and see the bigger picture.

Because today is the last day, the last stand for true democracy. Today, they will most likely certify Biden as President-Elect. Just the thought of this has me sick to my stomach. Not because of hate but because of the direction this country will be going in and my fear for not only me, but more importantly, my kids and their kids after them.

While others have ignored the evidence, there is no doubt in my mind that there was election fraud. I have seen videos, I have listened to hours of testimony. There are thousands of affidavits of those that witnessed so many forms of cheating. Dead people voting. People living out of state voting. And the most telling to me is just the statistical analysis - NUMBERS DON'T LIE. But people just want to ignore or deny any evidence just because Trump says it. But it did happen on November 3rd and again yesterday, January 5th in the GA runoff. I was hopeful for the runoff in GA because I thought, surely people have learned great lessons from Election day and will not allow the cheating to happen again. Unfortunately, I was wrong. And by ignoring or refusing the evidence, the whole country has become complicit in the election fraud. This includes politicians that we thought were on the American's people side. One thing it has shown is the American people (at least half of us) are without true representation.

This country was founded on true and fair elections. To allow such fraud in an election and not hold anyone accountable means that there will never be another fair and true election in this country. And so, our free country will head towards communism. You may think that is overdramatic and a conspiracy theory but the facts are there if you just do the research. The left has already said the things they will do that will take us down that road. And the truth is that they have been taking us down this road for a long time without some of us even realizing it. And now, it might be too late. With the democrats controlling all government, we will see the destruction of free speech, religious liberty and free choice education, extremely high taxes and a broken down justice system (which we already are seeing). As it is, they already control the mainstream media, social media and have infiltrated the education system to implement their agenda of hate, division and socialism. Then they took advantage of the Covid lockdowns to start the process of socialism. Knock out the small businesses so everyone has to rely on the US Government for everything. Personally, I am a believer in Capitalism. I think it is a system that has proven to work. I do not believe the government should be controlling every aspect of our lives. When that happens, we are not a free society anymore. While the idea of socialism seems appealing, the truth is that it does not work because people are inherently corrupt. And what will happen is that the elitist politicians will be the most rich and we all will be poor and controlled by them. This is not the America our founding fathers created for us nor is it the America I want to live in.

11-24-2020

This election has now been going on for 3 weeks. The Media has claimed Joe Biden the victor but it is not certified. But that doesn't matter to the people that hate Trump or hate our country. Since election day, we, those of us that have been paying attention, have seen and heard many stories and what I could call proof of the election fraud that took place in this election. I could list many videos, eye witness stories and other information about the voting software that prove this fraud. However, the news networks and social media have either ignored these stories or have mocked them and played them off as crazy. Why? Because those with the power are willing to do whatever it takes to win. No matter what. The facts of poll workers were not able to observe the counting or large batches of ballots showing up that just happen to all be for Biden or testimony from many Americans of the fraud that they witnessed frankly just don't matter. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. And why do the American people ignore the fraud? Because they hate Trump so badly they are willing to do or allow ANYTHING to get him out.

The Invisible Student

12-9-2020

This morning, I read a story about a young man (14 or 15 years old) who sadly committed suicide during this unfortunate pandemic lockdown. He was an outgoing football player that missed his friends and missed football so much, that he just couldn't take it anymore. It broke my heart. We have been hearing a lot about the effect of these lockdowns on kids. It wouldn't be a surprise to me if that they have long lasting effects to all of us, but especially kids. All the stories I have heard have been about outgoing, social kids that are depressed about not being around their friends anymore. We felt it some with our younger two kids. Luckily, my son was still able to play hockey and I think that has saved him from the hopelessness and helplessness these others have felt. And luckily, my kids had the option of in person learning before too long.

But we don't really hear about the other kids. The kids that are shy and introverts. The ones who don't like to be with people or talk out loud in class. The ones who don't play a sport or an instrument. The invisible ones. My oldest is one of these. And out of my three kids, this lockdown seems to be effecting him the most. This is what I mean. He hasn't been out of the house (except maybe to take a ride to pick up food with my husband) for months. He hardly even leaves his room really. For a long time, we did not hear him talking to his friends even while playing video games. In fact, it was just a couple weeks ago we heard him actually talking and playing video games with his friends and it's the only time I can remember in this whole pandemic time. Since we had the option, we allowed him to stay virtual for the first half of this school year. It may prove to be a big mistake because now he does not want to ever go back to school. His grades are terrible. He is failing 5 classes. I have threatened to put him back into in person classes and I am telling you, I have never seen him so panicked before. So much so, that he has willingly been taking his other devices down for us to hold while he is "at school" because they are too distracting. And while I'm glad he is finally making some progress on his schoolwork, I am dreading the day he actually will be forced to go back to school. After a whole year of virtual classes, I'm not sure he will be able to function in person. He is perfectly happy to be isolated and alone. And unless he's forced to, he will never want to be part of the real world. So while he seems content right now, the real challenge will be when we start to live our real lives again. Even if they are a "new normal", whatever that means. I don't have any answers. I just have the helpless feeling that he will be more screwed up than he already was before this pandemic. And I don't know what to do or what can even be done. It is for sure though - after this Covid-19 pandemic, our lives will never be the same again.

Election Thoughts and the State of the Union

I normally do not post about politics (I usually know better). But although private, I am very passionate about them. I just need to get this out because the thoughts are eating me alive.

I am not going to lie, I have been disappointed and a little surprised at the election results. The way I view it is that hate has won. Over half of people of this country hate one man so much that they are willing to give up all their liberties and freedoms. They are willing to give up everything just so long as the bad orange man is gone. Maybe this is overdramatic, maybe not. You may not like it or agree with it, but it is how I feel. I love my country and I love my freedom. I am a proud American. I have always had a great affinity for the founding fathers and the story of our country's beginnings. I thought that I was part of the silent majority. I thought most Americans still felt the way I feel about the country and they would prove it once and for all in this election. But to see that more than half the country does not feel this way has been hard for me to grasp or even understand. So, disappointed may not even be strong enough of a word. Devastated might be better. The silent majority is no longer a majority. Americans do not want to preserve the democracy that was put into place many years ago. They want and even welcome socialism. They are ok with having no law and order. They are also more than willing to turn their head to obvious and proven corruption, as well as dementia, in their own candidate. Full well knowing that sometime soon after election, he will be deemed unfit and will be replaced by the most far left socialist president ever. BLM can riot, loot and destroy. Babies can be killed. They want to take away our money, our religion, our healthcare and our school choice. But it's all ok as long as that man can't tweet anymore. Isn't that an even trade?

And to be clear, I do not hate them. I am confused and sad about it. I also feel bad for them. And I know Trump is no saint. He says and does things sometimes that make me shake my head. But the obvious hatred in their hearts is so strong, they cannot see the truth. They let the mainstream media tell them lies until they believe them all and can spit them out verbatim at any time. You can always tell a CNN viewer just by the way they speak. How have the American people become so hateful and misguided? Pondering it, I think there are many reasons. One of my theories is that while we were not paying attention, they infiltrated our education system and taught (and continue to teach) our children lies so they can grow up to be good little socialists. So they can grow up and do whatever they tell them to do. Not thinkers, but followers. This has been going on for much longer than we even knew to bring us to this point. The other thing is social media. Social media has destroyed most of our society. Kids today do not know how to socialize in the real world. Everything is online. The pandemic and virtual learning is not helping. YouTube is like a drug that they can't get enough of. It's also no secret that they control mainstream and social media. And no-one can deny the obvious censorship of any point of view that they don't agree with. They want to control what we see, what we read, what we believe. How else will they get us all to fall in line? How else will they get all the power they lust after? And sadly, they don't even need to hide it anymore. We just accept it. We have been lazy and complicit and I am ashamed of myself for not seeing it so clearly before this.

And to that point, I wanted to post some of this on Facebook. But I did not want the consequences of it. I know I will be yelled at and unfriended. I will be told I am a racist, a deplorable, a chump. So yes, I cower and yield to the mob. I am afraid. How sad that we cannot even have our own thoughts and feelings anymore. The way that social media has bullied us into silence is awful. And I have no answers for any of it. I'm still trying to figure out my own feelings. On one hand, I love Facebook for posting about my kids, my house and keeping up with friends and family. On the other hand, I hate that it makes me feel insecure, angry, and depressed on a daily basis. And yet, I just can't quit it. It's quite the conundrum. But I am going to make a concerted effort to limit my Facebook time and live my life instead. I have let it rule too much of my life and that has to change.

I don’t know what the future holds, but the good thing is that I do know who holds the future. So, even though I am struggling with all this, I will trust in the Lord. And in the end, Love will always win.

 

Starting is hard

1/10/19

I stare at this blank page and suddenly have nothing to say. That must be how I felt on 10/18/18 too since I started a blog entry and when I opened it, it was blank. The truth is though, that I have SO much to say that I feel stuck. I don't know where to start. It's a bit like me looking at the mess that has become my dining room and living room...and kitchen. It's overwhelming. I want to take a step. I want to start. But where? How?

I'm not exactly sure but all I know is I have to start somewhere so, here I go.

It seems that 2018 was a hard year for me. Nothing earth shattering happened. No big tragedy really. Just day to day living as a stay at home mom and wife. And things did happen. Like quitting my part time job in the summer and then in the fall, taking on the responsibility of a parent group at the school. It was my intention to get more involved in the school but honestly, I didn't realize just how hard it was going to be. Don't get me wrong, I love it at times. But at other times, it is grueling, time consuming, non-appreciated work. But overall, I love working with the teachers and staff and love when I'm there doing my part.

So then, why, when it seems like everything is just fine, do I not feel so fine? The truth is that my whole life I have struggled with anxiety and depression. Sometimes it was just a little and sometimes it was a lot. When I was a teenager, I found myself in a bad place. I haven't told many people, but there was one night (probably 1993 or 1994?) when I considered killing myself. Luckily, my friend found out and she told her parents who then told my parents and so they intervened. At some point during this, the doctor gave me Prozac. I took one pill and refused to take any more of them. I was insulted, actually. I had faith. I had a loving family and I was strong enough to get over it myself. And in some ways, I did.

There was another time over 10 years ago that my doctor prescribed me Wellbutrin. I honestly don't even remember the exact reasons or what was happening in my life at that time. I may have taken them a month or so but once again, I was sure that I did not need this medication and so stopped taking it on my own. I couldn't possibly be a Christian, have faith and yet rely on manmade medication to help me be happy. I had to rely on Christ, on my faith, on my family. And I was strong enough, wasn't I?

So fast forward to Fall 2018. Married, 3 kids in school. Stay at home. The dream, right? Oh, the time I will/must have to clean the house, cook the meals, organize my life. And yet, here I sit, over 6 months later, with the house looking the exact same way, meals aren't getting cooked and I barely have the energy to even stay awake all day. The last few years, I have noticed that my social anxiety is on the rise. Social engagements leave me feeling empty and exhausted. But this was something more. And at some point after school started back, I just found myself completely exhausted, numb and lost. Only listening to depressing music. Going back to bed after dropping the kids off or taking naps at random times. (And they always last longer than intended.) So, I thought, I must just need to throw myself even more into something - in this case, volunteering at the school. And boy, did I. But it's like just putting a band-aid on it for a little bit. And when I get back home, the band-aid comes off and I'm even more depleted and honestly, just plain sad. I feel like I give and give until there is nothing left. And it's not that I don't enjoy volunteering because honestly, I love it when I'm doing it. It's just the aftermath that is not so pretty. And I always have the feeling that I could have done more or why didn't I do it this way? Replaying the situations back in my head over and over and pretending I reacted a different way or said a different thing. It's exhausting. But eventually, it will fade. And then, all I'm left with is sadness and feeling lost. Nothing really excites me and I don't really want to do anything or go anywhere.

When you are a stay at home mom, sometimes time blurs. The days can be so similar you can't even remember which day it is. So, I don't know how long this depressive episode has gone on but I think it's the longest I have had in a long time. I'm guessing it started sometime in late summer. And after only a few months of these depressed feelings and knowing I had a Dr. appointment in early November, I finally decided that I had to talk to the Dr. about this. I had already been on anxiety medicine after my panic attack (see my last blog post) and I was less anxious about things. But I knew that this was something different altogether and it wasn't getting any better. So, this time I decided that I needed the anti-depressants. And I have been willingly taking the medicine for about 3 months now. I have been ashamed to tell people about it, but I feel that I need to. That it is all part of the process I need to go through. And I don't know if it is the ultimate answer. I don't know how long I will take it. I don't even know if it's working. All I know is that I am feeling the lowest I have ever felt when it seems like I should be the happiest I have ever been. And I feel like there is a wall around me, even when it comes to God. I want to reach out but I don't. But as I write this, I am reminded of a passage.

2 Corinthians 12:9-11 New International Version (NIV)

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 

Right now, I am weak. I definitely need God's grace to get me through. I don't know what all this is for. Or what will be on the other side. But if you are feeling this way, you are not alone. And it has definitely reminded me that you never know what a person is going through. You never know if they seem fine and then they go home and listen to sad songs and cry their eyes out. So, be patient and be kind. God knows we need more of that in today's world.

 

Panic, who me??

It's the third week of summer and it's been an interesting one. This particular week we have been busy with swimming lessons and VBS. It's been a little hectic at times and I haven't gotten all the stuff done I have wanted to each day. But that doesn't seem any different than any other week really. But this week was different. Because at some point, my body told me it was all too much.

On Wednesday night, June 14th, I had an experience I have never had before. It just so happens that on this night, my husband had to go into work for a deployment. At some point between 11pm-2am, my daughter decided she was going to come sleep in our bed. I don't know about you, but I cannot sleep when my kids are in my bed. Especially her, because she always pushes me off, even if my husband isn't there. But since he wasn't there, I just left her. At 2am, a sound awoke me. I have no idea what it was. And then, I thought I heard a helicopter. My heart started racing. It was beating hard. The A/C unit (which is right outside our window) went off. And I didn't hear the "helicopter" anymore. I messaged my husband. I checked Facebook. I got up. I went to Moriah's room. First off, someone had turned the fan on in her room. There are no blades on the fan because we are supposed to be taking it down so it was just the middle piece going in circles. So that is probably why Moriah woke up and came in our bed. I got a flashlight and looked at the A/C unit. Thinking maybe it was making a different sound or freezing up. It looked ok. I am messaging my husband as this is going on because I am having so much anxiety. And, in general, I tend to be paranoid, especially overnight, about someone being outside our house or someone breaking in or something bad happening in the neighborhood. I don't feel safe a lot. Not that anything has ever happened (except a bike getting stolen once). But I just know that one of these nights, something bad is going to happen. I have woken up many nights, thinking I hear something and walking around anxious and scared about what might be outside. Well, this night it escalated until my chest was hurting. Of course, this whole time I am checking Facebook, sure that something was going on and there was a helicopter close by. (There wasn't). And messaging my husband. Like he didn't have enough going on at work. After my chest starting hurting, I looked up the symptoms of having a heart attack. I was having them!! Which made me freak out even more because I didn't know what to do. I could call 911 but I am here alone with the kids. I had visions of getting taken away in an ambulance while my kids looked on. It was around this time, I decided to put Moriah back in her bed just in case I did call 911. As the night went on, I tried calming down, breathing, going back to sleep because surely this is not a heart attack. Wouldn't I have died by now? But I'm afraid to go to sleep because what if I die and I don't wake up? I kept getting up and down and in the bathroom and out of the bathroom (because I definitely nervous pee). I'm messaging my husband. Maybe I should call someone? It's 5am. He finally comes home. We discuss what we could or should do. He wants to take me down to the fire station to get checked out by the paramedics. I'm like, can you do that? And what will we do with the kids? He says, we can call someone to sit over here while I take you or you can drive yourself. I don't want to go by myself! So I say, I guess I just need to call so they can come here. I freak out. I cry. I feel ridiculous. I don't want to pay for an ambulance. Especially if they say, you are fine. What a waste that would be. And I definitely don't want to waste anyone else's time if I am fine. I have to say, my husband was great. And he was so tired since he had been up all night. But he prayed with me. And he was ok with whatever I wanted to do. I told him I would call so we wouldn't have to call and bother anyone else. He got fully dressed and put the lights on outside. I dialed 9-1-1 and just put the phone down. I could not press send. And I never did. I laid down. He laid down. At this point, we were both just so exhausted. We both fell asleep.

In the morning, my chest still hurts, like someone is sitting on me or like I ate food that never went down all the way. I decide I should just go see my doctor and see what the heck might be going on instead of waiting until I feel like it's an emergency. I take the younger two to swim lessons and of course, I left my phone at home. After swim lessons, they go to VBS and I get home and I finally call the doctor. They put me on hold. They talk to the nurse. They say I should come in right away. Can you come in 30-40 min? Ok. I'm scared again. Josiah was supposed to go to swim lessons, but he says it's ok if he misses. I ask him to come to the Dr with me. He says no. I say to him, almost in tears, please Josiah, I don't want to go alone and I'm scared. He says, ok. We go. We wait. I figure out a way for someone to pick up my kids from VBS. I get into the doctor's office. They talk to me, take my blood pressure and heart rate and finally, an EKG. The doctor comes in and after more discussion, his conclusion is that I had a panic attack. I was so afraid of hearing that. I don't panic. I am not a panicker! He prescribes me a medicine to take that night and wants me to get a good nights sleep and wants to see me the next day (today) to make sure nothing else is going on and to make sure I am feeling ok. I take my Xanax. And go to sleep. It was the best sleep I have gotten in a LONG time. I don't usually sleep through the night. I'm always waking up at some point for some reason or just restless in general. Or having weird dreams. I feel better the next morning. But the pressure is still there. I go see the doctor again. He was so great about the whole thing and he made me feel better. He said it's not all just in your head. There are actual physical symptoms in a panic attack. He was very kind about the whole thing and not at all judgmental, which I appreciated. He never made me feel crazy or stupid. He warns me that it could keep happening or maybe not. He asked me numerous time, how are you feeling now? I feel like he really cares and that's important. I tell him I need a prescription that says I have to get a massage. He reminds me that it's actually fathers day weekend. We laugh. On my way out, he tells me to tell my husband to give me a massage. I guess I'll have to take that and see if it works. We laugh again. It's always good to end an appointment laughing.

I don't know if this was an isolated incident or if there will be more of them. I actually don't know much about panic attacks in general. I never thought I would have one. I have never been so close to calling 911 in my whole life than I was at that moment. It was scary. But it has made me really think about how I am spending my time. And honestly, I spent way too much time on Facebook, where I read all kinds of stories of horrible things happening. Shootings, killings, deaths, water heaters exploding. And then, on the flip side, I read all the great things my "friends" are doing and saying and I just feel like a loser most of the time compared to them. I will never be as good a person, a mother, a wife, an employee, etc., etc. as they are or have as good a life as they have. So, I have come to the conclusion that I HAVE to limit my time on Facebook. As well as other changes I'm sure. I'm not exactly sure what it will look like yet but I really need to re-evaluate my life and how I'm living it. I need to work on myself and getting closer to God and my family. It will be a process and I don't know the end result, but I just know I need to start making changes.

The Sound of Silence

Today I am here and I am heartbroken. Over a few things specifically. A friendship that ended and I'm wondering why. My heart is so broken over it. I feel a hole and I don't know how to fill it. A church that may just not be for us. But what to do about it? I am confused, depressed, feeling alone, wondering what's next. I know I probably shouldn't post this, but this is my reality. I wrote this a couple months ago and I still feel the same. Some days I am so depressed, I want to just get in bed and never get up. Luckily, when you have kids you have to keep going. And so, that's what I do. What I am asking for is prayers. Prayers for joy, peace and guidance. I need Him so badly right now.

Written 1-30-17
Do you know the feeling of when the silence is so loud, it almost hurts? When you are staring at your phone, willing it to ring or a notification to sound or just to get some sort of idea that you someone somewhere is thinking of you?
"I am alone" "No one cares" "How do I keep winding up in the same place?"

I have tried many times with many people. Some people never reciprocate. Some people do only to stop at some point. I don't know why. It's never explained to me. You should have to tell someone why you don't want to be their friend anymore before you are allowed to disappear. Unfortunately, that's not how life works. So, I just get tossed aside time and time again. And I have no idea why. Is it because I'm weird? Is it because I said something offensive? Is it my dry sense of humor? Am I too depressed all the time and didn't hide it well enough? Or am I too open with my depression and people are like, oh no, can't deal with that burden. I don't know if I will ever be able to let someone know the true me without the eventual ruin of the friendship. I never thought myself as high maintenance. I always try to go with the flow, be laid back. Whatever you want is fine. But then it's that I'm too easy going and I never can make a decision. Why can't you take charge? Um, because that's not me. And when they leave me, I let them go. I am unwanted. I am heartbroken. I am sad. I am lonely. I think, this is how I'm meant to live. No one will stick around. No one finds you interesting enough to get to know. And if and when they do, they will ultimately leave. They won't like you. And they will replace you with someone better. Someone who will suit their needs much better. And you will be alone. This has been your struggle from the beginning and it will never change.

Yesterday, I cried during church. Besides the greeter lady telling me how glad she was I was there, there was no one. I can walk into an ABF, maybe exchange a hi or two, hear a great message but then, there's nothing. No one wants to know me. No one asks me any questions. They just don't want me to take their normal seat. And in the service, people will awkwardly shake my hand during the greeting time but only because they are forced to. I honestly feel like we unknowingly have an invisibility cloak on when we are at church. When's the last time I heard, "Hey, I'd love to get to know you better. Would you like to have lunch or come over for dinner sometime?" "Hey, we are getting together to do ______, want to join us?" or even "Hey, who are you and what are you doing here??" To be fair, there have been broad type of invitations (the whole ABF is doing such and such) but there are times when we cannot go to events or ABFs because of Elijah's soccer schedule or some other conflict. But when we are available, it's so hard to force yourself places, when you aren't sure anyone even wants you there. Is it such a bad thing to want to be known by someone? Maybe we are just that weird family that is always scolding our kids because they can't behave in service. Or, maybe we are seen as too quiet, too reserved so we can't be any fun. Well then, we should be the ones reaching out then, right? Maybe it's because we're not asking questions or showing up at events. Let me just say, we have tried in the past. We have invited multiple people to lunch out, to dinner or lunch at our house. Of at least 4 of these, not one of these invitations have been reciprocated. We reached out and they all said, thanks, but no thanks. It's hard to get over that kind of rejection. So, find another church, you say. Oh, we have tried. Multiple times. With always the same result. So that only leaves me with a it's not them, it's us answer. Which is not helpful. Because we are who we are and maybe there is just no place for us. So, we go where at least we enjoy the music and the preaching and hope that our kids will at least be accepted and be excited to learn about Christ. Well, Josiah never wants to go to church (of course, most of that is probably him). Sunday, he tried to get out of going to class. But I was having a rough morning and he quietly made the decision to go to class and not fight me in the hallway. To which I was relieved of at first, but then just felt bad. Cue, the tears. He has not made any great friends in 10 years. Now being in middle school, the leaders try but I almost wonder if it's too late. It hurts my heart. Elijah is too shy. He also hasn't really made any great friendships after 8 years either. And he doesn't seem particularly interested in what they are learning (at least that he shows us) and that pains me and makes me feel like a failure. Moriah is the only one who loves it, makes friends and always wants to go. But she is outgoing and thankfully, will be this way no matter where she goes.1 out of 3 kids thriving. It makes me sad. It makes me think, what in the world are we doing here? And unfortunately, I don't know. All I can do is pray for clarity, pray for direction, pray for a change of heart. Because yes, I know, it's not always in the right place.

"You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

 

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

 

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

 

Hillsong United - Oceans