The Beginning of Realization

The last couple of weeks have been interesting. I think it started with the PLACE class at church. We took tests to learn all these things about ourselves and how we therefore can serve others. I also met and spent some time with a wonderful woman of God in our church who just touched me. She is so filled with God and His Spirit. Then I went to the women's conference and immediately felt God's presence so strongly. Almost as soon as I walked in, I suddenly felt a stong need in my life that I was unaware of and know now I need to pray for - the one for a mentor. I also came to so many realizations. As each woman gave their hearfelt testimonies of God's faithfulness, I found myself wondering - after years and years of salvation, why do I not see God's faithfulness in my own life? Why can't I put in words all the wonderful things I have seen God do? I was raised in a Christian home. I went to church most of my life. And yet, all I can think of are the bad things - the hurts, the disappointments. And as I sat there struggling with these thoughts, I suddenly could feel and visualize my heart's poor condition. I could see the open sores - the bitterness, the anger, the resentment I have been holding onto for so long. And for the first time in a long time, I realized that God is not punishing me but instead He actually does want to heal me. He doesn't want me to live this way. I don't have to go through life with all this pain in my heart. What a realization! But the only way He can do this is if I give it to Him and allow Him to begin this process. And I need to be honest with Him. I know the things that I should do and say as a Christian, but it's all motions. I don't really know Him like I should. I gave up devotion time a long time ago. First, I got angry at God for things happening in my life. Then I just got busy and tired and burned out. And where has this left me? Cold and alone. One of the most important things I have come away with from this day is that I NEED to spend time with Him. This is not a "if I have time" or "if it fits into my schedule". By not taking this time, I have essentially cut off my relationship with Him. I have put Him at a distance and said, I will go through the motions because I know that is what I should do. I do not know Him and I sure don't want Him to know me. Because I have been scared to let Him see me, as I really am. I don't want Him to see the dark places inside. I don't even want to acknowledge them to myself. So I put on facade. But how silly is that? He already knows, yet somehow I think I am hiding it from Him?? When I think about it now, I can't believe how foolish I have been. My eyes are being opened to so many things just in the past week, I could be up all night writing about it. I have been hiding in darkness for so long, but now I can finally see the beginning of the Light. I am reminded of this verse (though is may not be in exact context) "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6 Thank God that He does not give up on us. No matter how long we try to keep Him out. 

My "driving" confession

We are sitting in the teacher parent conference today with Josiah's teacher and she is telling us about how Josiah doesn't do well walking in line in the hallway. I never really understood the cryptic notes sent home saying he got in trouble in line or in the hallway. So she explains...she told them one day that if someone isn't paying attention in line and stops while the other students are still walking, the people behind them can go around them. So now apparently Josiah feels like being in line is some sort of race or contest. She said he will go around people even if they are just going slower. As she was explaining this, I had a revelation. It's my fault. Well, really my mother's since apparently her driving habits DID rub off on me. I thought about how I like to pass slow people on the road and how impatient I can be when I'm driving and how that might be affecting him. What a sobering moment. And I'm so ashamed of myself. The truth is that the best and unfortunately, worst part of ourselves are right there in our children for us to see in all their glory. It really does make one think and lately, I have had to examine myself constantly. Does he get that from me? How can I correct it now so he doesn't go through life doing that or feeling that way? Now this isn't necessarily a bad thing because it makes me more aware of the things I need to change in my own life. And so I pray that God will help me learn to control my own behavior so that I can show my kids a better example. One of patience and love for others. Not of impatience and frustration. Because who wants to pass that down to their kids?

My first blog

It's been a long time coming, but I am finally writing my first blog! Of course, with the amount of time it took me to figure out how to start this blog, I am exhausted and don't feel like writing anymore!! Unfortunatly, I am a perfectionist and I don't like to leave things undone. So once I clicked the start a blog button, I had to go through with it no matter what. And then It took me probably an hour just to figure out what to name the darn thing. I don't know who will actually read this, but I'm hoping for me this will be a tool to free the thoughts from my mind. I tend to hold a lot of things in...so, on second thought this might be a dangerous place to let them out!...only time will tell.