Monday, November 8, 2010
The Beginning of Realization
The last couple of weeks have been interesting. I think it started with the PLACE class at church. We took tests to learn all these things about ourselves and how we therefore can serve others. I also met and spent some time with a wonderful woman of God in our church who just touched me. She is so filled with God and His Spirit. Then I went to the women's conference and immediately felt God's presence so strongly. Almost as soon as I walked in, I suddenly felt a stong need in my life that I was unaware of and know now I need to pray for - the one for a mentor. I also came to so many realizations. As each woman gave their hearfelt testimonies of God's faithfulness, I found myself wondering - after years and years of salvation, why do I not see God's faithfulness in my own life? Why can't I put in words all the wonderful things I have seen God do? I was raised in a Christian home. I went to church most of my life. And yet, all I can think of are the bad things - the hurts, the disappointments. And as I sat there struggling with these thoughts, I suddenly could feel and visualize my heart's poor condition. I could see the open sores - the bitterness, the anger, the resentment I have been holding onto for so long. And for the first time in a long time, I realized that God is not punishing me but instead He actually does want to heal me. He doesn't want me to live this way. I don't have to go through life with all this pain in my heart. What a realization! But the only way He can do this is if I give it to Him and allow Him to begin this process. And I need to be honest with Him. I know the things that I should do and say as a Christian, but it's all motions. I don't really know Him like I should. I gave up devotion time a long time ago. First, I got angry at God for things happening in my life. Then I just got busy and tired and burned out. And where has this left me? Cold and alone. One of the most important things I have come away with from this day is that I NEED to spend time with Him. This is not a "if I have time" or "if it fits into my schedule". By not taking this time, I have essentially cut off my relationship with Him. I have put Him at a distance and said, I will go through the motions because I know that is what I should do. I do not know Him and I sure don't want Him to know me. Because I have been scared to let Him see me, as I really am. I don't want Him to see the dark places inside. I don't even want to acknowledge them to myself. So I put on facade. But how silly is that? He already knows, yet somehow I think I am hiding it from Him?? When I think about it now, I can't believe how foolish I have been. My eyes are being opened to so many things just in the past week, I could be up all night writing about it. I have been hiding in darkness for so long, but now I can finally see the beginning of the Light. I am reminded of this verse (though is may not be in exact context) "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6 Thank God that He does not give up on us. No matter how long we try to keep Him out.
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Ahhhh, Jenn, this is so great to hear!! The love of Christ is so freeing! Not that long ago, I was reading 2 Timothy, struggling with this verse..."You, then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus". I won't relive it all right here, but what the Lord was showing me was that timidity, fear, and anxiety are all sysmptoms of not living in, by, and through the grace of God. The context of the verse in 2 Timothy is suffering. Paul is telling Timothy rest in the strength God provides through His grace, in particular, through suffering. All of the pain, bitterness and tears that we cover up and pretend are not there, are killing us. Literally they are killing us. Sin kills. But thanks be to God who, through, our Lord Jesus Christ, took on flesh, lived perfectly obedient to the will of God in our place, took our penalty and punishment on a cross and was raised for our justification! That is forever! Once we were darkness, but now we are light in the Lord! Once we had not received mercy, but now we have received mercy! We must be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus. If he is sovereignly working all things out for His glory, which is our joy, then we can be certain, that the testing of our faith will result in glory, honor and praise at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
ReplyDeleteDon't miss that word, "testing". A test is on purpose. A test is given by an authority. That authority is God Himself. He is testing us so that we might understand the power that we have indwelling us. We did not save ourselves. It is by Grace we have been saved, and this is a gift from Him. He chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world. He did that. The issue for me was that I had to realize that I am not the center of the universe, but He is. As a believer, He has called me, not to have a comfortable life now, but a wartime life now. A life that fights, sin, the world and the devil. I had to come to understand that trials and pain come into our life by a loving sovereign savior so that we might dies to sin and look more and more like Him. Suffering is a tremnedous Grace of God. We were created for His glory and His glory is the only thing that will truly satisfy us. The pain He causes is to glorify His name in and through us so we would share in His happiness! Who is happier than God? His plans are never thwarted or frustrated. All His plans He makes come to pass, there is none like Him! That is the bliss and satisfaction He is giving to us through following and submitting wholly to His Son even.
It is so good to hear that you are saying the things above. My heart is filled with joyful tears for you. I want so badly for all of our family to come to know Christ deeply and intimately. I love you!