The Beginning of Realization

The last couple of weeks have been interesting. I think it started with the PLACE class at church. We took tests to learn all these things about ourselves and how we therefore can serve others. I also met and spent some time with a wonderful woman of God in our church who just touched me. She is so filled with God and His Spirit. Then I went to the women's conference and immediately felt God's presence so strongly. Almost as soon as I walked in, I suddenly felt a stong need in my life that I was unaware of and know now I need to pray for - the one for a mentor. I also came to so many realizations. As each woman gave their hearfelt testimonies of God's faithfulness, I found myself wondering - after years and years of salvation, why do I not see God's faithfulness in my own life? Why can't I put in words all the wonderful things I have seen God do? I was raised in a Christian home. I went to church most of my life. And yet, all I can think of are the bad things - the hurts, the disappointments. And as I sat there struggling with these thoughts, I suddenly could feel and visualize my heart's poor condition. I could see the open sores - the bitterness, the anger, the resentment I have been holding onto for so long. And for the first time in a long time, I realized that God is not punishing me but instead He actually does want to heal me. He doesn't want me to live this way. I don't have to go through life with all this pain in my heart. What a realization! But the only way He can do this is if I give it to Him and allow Him to begin this process. And I need to be honest with Him. I know the things that I should do and say as a Christian, but it's all motions. I don't really know Him like I should. I gave up devotion time a long time ago. First, I got angry at God for things happening in my life. Then I just got busy and tired and burned out. And where has this left me? Cold and alone. One of the most important things I have come away with from this day is that I NEED to spend time with Him. This is not a "if I have time" or "if it fits into my schedule". By not taking this time, I have essentially cut off my relationship with Him. I have put Him at a distance and said, I will go through the motions because I know that is what I should do. I do not know Him and I sure don't want Him to know me. Because I have been scared to let Him see me, as I really am. I don't want Him to see the dark places inside. I don't even want to acknowledge them to myself. So I put on facade. But how silly is that? He already knows, yet somehow I think I am hiding it from Him?? When I think about it now, I can't believe how foolish I have been. My eyes are being opened to so many things just in the past week, I could be up all night writing about it. I have been hiding in darkness for so long, but now I can finally see the beginning of the Light. I am reminded of this verse (though is may not be in exact context) "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6 Thank God that He does not give up on us. No matter how long we try to keep Him out.