An outward struggle turned inward

Those of you that have known me a while know that I have always struggled with acne. I have had it for more than 20 years at this point. I honestly can't even remember a time not having it. It has unfortunately, always been part of my life it seems. I have spent seasons trying to get rid of, trying to hide it and then finally when neither of these things worked, trying to just ignore it. 

For some reason when I was growing up, my parents never took me to the dermatologist. I wish I could ask my mom why, but I am almost sure I know the reason. We didn't have the money. And we didn't talk about it often. Though, there were times she tried to help me. I do remember one summer when we were in Florida with family, my aunt was having me take wet washcloths, put them in the microwave and put them on my face. I kept this practice up a while and though it might have felt good, it didn't really help. I have tried so many things through the years - over the counter cleansers, astringents (remember when that seemed to be the rage?), creams, a weird smelling green soap from India. I've used many skin care lines - Mary Kay, Avon, Clinique, ProActive (twice), Beauti Control. Some have helped a little, some did nothing, some made it worse.

About 6 years ago, I did go to a dermatologist. We tried prescription cleansers and creams and finally, antibiotics. The antibiotics were apparently too strong for my stomach and after many tests, found they were basically making a hole in my esophagus. Needless to say, I stopped taking them. The dermatologist basically said there is nothing more we can do for you if you don't want to take the antibiotics so I stopped going. Not to mention, they were not that nice anyway and rushed me in and out of the office as fast as possible. Oh, and then I got pregnant so I couldn't take anything anyway. My pregnancies affected me differently. The first one seemed to help a little but it got worse with the other two. After I had Moriah, I pretty much gave up and said, this is just meant to be. I don't know why but this is the way it is and I don't even care anymore. I haven't even been wearing make up. 

Well, for the last few months, it seems to have gotten worse and now not only is it not pretty, but it's hurting as well. So I decided I had to do something and went to a new dermatologist. I explained everything to him, not that he couldn't see it. He knew right away what to do. He said what I had was cystic acne (which I had never heard anyone say). It is hereditary, not affected by food (which I have tested) and the thing that would most help is an oral medicine named Accutane. Eek. Now the only things I have ever heard of Accutane have been negative, though I couldn't exactly tell him what they were! He explained it has gotten a bad rap because it does cause birth defects or even death in babies if you get pregnant while taking it. So the long and short of it is that in order to take the drug, you must enroll in this government program where you pledge to not get pregnant one month before, while on or a month after you take it. He said I would have to take it for 5 months. He gave me a LONG manual to read and told me there was a waiting period of a month. I had to have a pregnancy test done, if it's negative, then I wait for 30 days and take another pregnancy test. I have to enroll in this government program, always use two forms of birth control and promise that I will not get pregnant. Then I will be allowed to take it. And I will need to have a pregnancy test done every month I am on it and a month after. Oh, and there are some possible side effects that could be bad, including a really bad depression (like I need help with that). Sounds fun. At first, I was like, I don't think so. This sounds too dangerous. But then I did some research. The majority of the reviews I read were positive. They said, yes there are side effects, but it cleared up their skin in months! Then I started really considering it. Along with things already mentioned, following are some recent experiences that have made me decide to try it.

1. About a month and a half ago, my husband and I were shopping one day. The lady in the store stopped me and said, "Have you ever heard of Nerium AD?" I said no. She said she used to have skin like mine and now it's all cleared up, thanks to this wonderful product! I got a glimmer of hope, gave her my email address but I never got an email (thank God). I did do some research on it later and turns out its just another skin care line, for wrinkles, NOT acne and it is mutli-level marketing. PLEASE, I do not need another one of those in my life. At first, I was happy someone was giving me some advice. Then I thought, I am also kind of insulted. But maybe she was just trying to help, having been there before.

2. A couple weeks ago, I was shopping at Sears. Upon checkout, the cashier said "What happened to your face?" Wow. Talk about blunt. I told her it was acne and I was working on it. Geez, I guess it looks worse than usual, I thought. Maybe I should start wearing makeup again.

3. That same week, I had a doctor's appointment and had to get some blood work done. I sat in the seat and the lady who was to take my blood said, "Do you have insurance?" I thought to myself, well that's a weird question and shouldn't they have that on file here? So I said, "Yes, I do." She said, "Have you done anything about this? (motioning to her face)". I was flabbergasted. This is twice in one week. I must really look terrible. She did proceed to tell me that she had the same problem and went to see a dermatologist and got creams and antibiotics to help. I guess she was trying to help, but instead I just felt like gum on the bottom of someone's shoe. I could not get out of there fast enough. And thought, I really have to start wearing makeup!

4. The next week, I was helping Elijah with his homework. He was studying for a science test. He had to learn "observation". So I was explaining it and gave him an example. "I observe that Moriah has a red shirt on. What's something you observe?" He said, "I observe that you have red dots all over your face." Ouch. This one hurts the most. And if my mind wasn't made up already, it is now. I decide I will and I HAVE TO do ANYTHING to get my face cleared up.

The funny thing is that through all my years of struggling with acne, I don't remember many people, if any, saying things like this to my face. And it's just weird that in the last month and a half, I have had 4 instances! I take it as a sign. And I am hoping and praying that this medicine does what it is supposed to. Because if it doesn't work or I am forced to go off of it before it does, I don't know what I am going to do. I have been wearing makeup more but honestly, I don't even want to go out in public anymore. I am the most self conscious I have ever been about it. And I know it doesn't look good. I feel like people are judging me all the time. I feel like maybe they have been for years and I am just now catching on to it! How did I not ever realize this before? Maybe this is the reason not many people want to befriend me. Maybe they think I am dirty. I even went as so far as to tell my husband the reason people don't want to sit with us at church, especially on Wednesday night is because of my skin and they must think I have leprosy. In a way, I was kidding. But, part of me is not. I am feeling not only scarred on the outside, but scarred on the inside as well. And I am just realizing, at age 35, how shallow and mean people really are. And when I think about it, I get mad. How crappy of people. I think I am a pretty nice and fun person. But they will never get to know that because all they see is the outward appearance. 

I don't know what will happen. I don't know if it will be the miraculous drug I am hoping it to be. I don't know if I will ever have completely clear skin or if it will even get any better. And even as I am writing this, I'm thinking why AM I even writing this? Especially since from my perspective, most people don't really seem to care or even read this anyway. Why should I share this most private and hurtful struggle with the world? There are a few answers, maybe. The first (and most selfish) reason is that it is therapeutic for me. My feelings are bottled up inside and I am in desperate need to get them out. Being a quiet introvert, this is the way I choose to "show" myself to the world. But the most important answer, I think, is if even just one person reads it and can relate, then they will know that they are not alone. I hate feeling alone and I feel that way a lot. So, if I can make one person in the whole world, not feel that way, then I have accomplished something of worth I think. And if this treatment works for me, I can give hope to someone else with the same or similar struggle.