Where are my people?

 3/29/22

After pulling my kids from the charter school last year, the only logical move was to homeschool them. I have never had a desire to homeschool. But the times in which we live made me realize that I had no choice in the matter, really. Josiah and Moriah were all in. Elijah actually started the year off in school but by the second month, was asking to be homeschooled, as well. We chose different online programs for the boys. Technically, I guess they are not homeschooled, they are online schooled. I poured over curricula for hours until I decided on what to do with Moriah. I chose different programs for different subjects. We started off the school year pretty good. But it didn't take long for it to seem like more of a chore than something I wanted to be doing. In December, I got the opportunity to get a part time job and I took it. So, now I work 3 days a week and Moriah is pretty much on her own for school those days. While I love my job and the extra money it brings in, it has really made the homeschool life very hard. And I am in a constant state of doubt that Moriah is learning enough, though she insists that she is.

After 8 months of this "homeschool" life, I can honestly say I have never felt more alone or isolated. Overwhelmed doesn't even seem to be a big enough word to describe the actual despair and self doubt I feel some days. I tried to find a homeschool group to connect with. If I hear "just Google it" one more time, I might scream. I have Googled. A lot. The church we had been attending had a group of homeschool moms. I thought, surely this is what I need. After asking to be added to their group messages and attending one or two events, I realized that I am just not like them. They are the OG homeschoolers. The ones that planned to homeschool their whole lives. The ones that live, eat and breath homeschooling and all things learning all the time. After two hours of "schooling" in our house, I can't wait to be done and move on to household chores. My brain just does not work like theirs. I do not have the same passion or know how. And I'm tired. Why aren't they tired? Being around these types of women makes me feel like the biggest failure that ever lived, to be honest. Why don't I care as much as they do? Why don't I want to spend hours planning school this week and be sure to tie it into these field trips and make sure we are learning every second of every day?? I mean, what is wrong with me? I also joined multiple Facebook homeschool groups. Every post overwhelms me. Every post makes me feel sad and like a failure. Because it's not just that I am not doing these things, I don't want to do these things.

When I started my homeschool journey, I reached out to all the homeschooling moms I knew and even found some I didn't even really know to talk to. I had many conversations and got lots of information (maybe too much information, really). After those first conversations, I found it interesting that not one of those moms reached out again to see how I was doing or how it was going. I don't blame them. As homeschool moms, they are extremely busy and I get that. But it didn't take long for me to realize that I am on my own here. I guess that I had this insane vision that once I decided to homeschool and "they" heard about it, that this magic homeschool community was going to come in and pick me up and carry me away to triumph and victory! Surely, they would not leave me until they knew that I knew what I was doing and that I was going to be ok. They would not leave me until they knew I was going to be one of the successful homeschool stories where my kids were so smart and will get into all the colleges and stories would be printed about us someday, right??  Haha. I kid. And I know, it's so stupid. I didn't even realize I had an expectation until I was disappointed and feeling very alone with no one to call or lean on. The truth is I do this to myself often. I have a very idealistic way I think the world should be. And then when it isn't that way, I tend to fall into a pit of despair. It's actually pretty exhausting. I don't recommend it. 

Sadly, I am just now having some of these realizations. Last night, I watched a video of a YouTube homeschool mom I follow. She talks about how even she, mighty homeschool mom, was feeling self doubt to where she wondered if she should quit. She gave her reasons as to why this happened. One of these reasons was community and how important is is to have a community that comes along side you and supports you. And somehow it always comes down to this. I have been searching my whole life for my community, my people. And there was a season where I thought I had found them. I thought I had found my true friends who I was going to "do life" with. But when that group came crashing down, I was hurt beyond anything I could imagine. I honestly still am not sure I'm fully over it. But I decided that I am just meant to be alone and not have friends. That's just how it is. Yet, there is always this yearning for it. Someone (or someones) to just get you and understand you and encourage you. To not forget you exist for months at a time. And the truth is, that this is what God wants. He wants you to be in community with others. He designed us to need to each other, to work with each other to be the body of Christ. 

"Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another-and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:24-25

When we aren't doing this, our lives feel incomplete. And I am so tired of being incomplete. The truth is that there is another whole piece of this puzzle. The church piece. And I'm not gonna lie, it has been a huge struggle for me and my whole family. Finding a place we fit in. Finding a place we belong. Sometimes, it seems so hopeless. How can it be that at age 44 that I still haven't found my "place in this world"? I don't know. But what I am learning is that I can't give up. I have to keep going. Even though it's exhausting because I am an introvert and I'm weird and not everyone "gets" me. It's just too important. And I am praying that God guides us to where we are meant to be and has people set aside for us that will become our community. And I pray we find this community soon.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broke." Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12

Thoughts of a Conservative who loves America

 8/25/2021

I am honestly just so frustrated with pent up thoughts and feelings, that I don't even know where to begin. I am not even sure if I should or will post this but I guess we will just have to see. Sometimes, my brain gets so full of thoughts that I just need to empty it out and let the cards fall where they may. Some days it honestly feels like too much to handle. There is so much evil and deception going on in this country (and world). It's hard to know where to turn or what to do. Of course, as Christians, we know what we should do. Turn to the Lord. Pray. Meditate on His Word. So, why is it so hard then? 

I feel like I'm in a never ending cycle of hope and despair. Everything seems so hopeless and depressing. Then there is a glimmer of hope and you think, finally some good news. But the very next moment, there is something else just as bad, if not even worse you hear about. The good thing is that there are people fighting. There are many Patriots who do not want to see this country turn into a communistic third world country. And they are trying their very best to turn things around. But the truth is that they need people to stand with them. And in today's day, it is so hard to know how to do this. Social media is filled with lies and misinformation. The only information actually being censored is the truth. So, yes, I can blast information from my profile but it will only lead to being put in Facebook jail, taken off YouTube, banned from Twitter. How most people don't see the loss of freedom of speech in this country is out of control, I have no idea. Then, you have the media. They prove daily that journalism is dead. There are only a select few of journalists that even have any integrity left. Those that do stand up are ridiculed, canceled and threatened. Even by just asking questions, (which by the way should be a journalists job!), journalists are punished. I haven't watched mainstream news in at least a year. My husband has put it on here and there and not even 5 minutes in, you can hear the blatant bias and sometimes, outright lies. I honestly don't know how anyone can even watch CNN but I would bet that most of the outraged, hateful people on social media do. They infect their viewers with the evil poison of fear, anger and hate daily. And yet people can't see it. If you want to know truth, I admit it is hard to know where to go. There are handful of people out there that are telling the truth, but most of them are getting censored so they are not on mainstream platforms. If you try to make light of their information, you are labeled a conspiracy theorist and a deplorable. It is no secret that you will be "booed" off social media if you are trying to tell the truth, whether by social media itself or the enraged liberal left who can't even take it when someone just questions the narrative. This fact in itself should tell people a lot, but they are so zombie brainwashed, mostly by fear. 

Fear is a powerful emotion. And the ruling elite know this. Then, they were able to get a taste of this with the coming of Coronavirus and now all bets are off. If you really think that by wearing masks and getting 45 shots of the vaccine that all of sudden things will be back to normal at some point, well then you are not paying attention nor are you thinking critically (Remember when they used to teach you how to do that in schools? Ah, the good old days). Now that they know that they can control you through fear, they will stop at nothing to do so. The next fear crisis has already been introduced and will be used if and when the people stop fearing the virus. Climate change is next. Which makes me laugh. The fact that we actually think we can control the climate in any way is laughable to me. Yes, we should be good stewards of what God has given us. But only God can determine when this world passes away and there is nothing we can do to change that. So that seems futile to me. In any case, personally I think the lockdowns were a huge mistake that we will be paying for for quite some time to come. Those of us who are against lockdowns and mandates are once again, ridiculed, canceled, yelled at and hated. Oh, the tolerant left.

Here's my thinking. Lockdown didn't work. If it did, we wouldn't still be here. The truth is (and I believe even Fauci himself knows this), lockdowns were never going to work. Because this is a VIRUS. It will not be eradicated no matter how many masks you wear or shots you take. Also, it is a virus that most of us have a 99% (some even 99.9%) chance of surviving. This is taken directly from the CDC site "During December 14, 2020–August 14, 2021, full vaccination with COVID-19 vaccines was 80% effective in preventing RT-PCR–confirmed SARS-CoV-2 infection among frontline workers." Now, why would I take something that is less effective than my chance at actual survival of the virus? Make it make sense.

I consider myself a logical thinker. God knows there aren't many left of those. But I can't help but think logically and logically it just does not make sense to me. Just like with all the data on how wearing a mask does not actually work and it might actually make you sicker with all the bacteria that is found on them after wearing them all do. So, why?? But if you makes you feel better to wear a mask and take an experimental shot (but it has been approved you say - yeah ok and it just so happens that the former FDA commissioner in charge of regulating Pfizer is now on the Board of Directors of Pfizer - hmmmm. Also, there is some debate on if it's actually approved or just the emergency use extended.), then you should have that right. But it should not give you the right to tell me what to do. I understand that there are those (elderly and those with higher risks) that are more susceptible to getting sicker from the virus. Well, ok then they are the ones that need to be careful and take precautions. And if the masks and vaccines do really work, then it shouldn't matter what I'm doing. You should be safe. But as we know, the vaccines aren't actually making it better. I would argue they are making it worse. As we know now, you can still get and give Covid even with a vaccine. So, nothing changes and nothing ever will! I have recently seen information that the vaccine is actually creating stronger variants (Hello, Delta!). Another study says that vaccinated individuals carry 251 times the load of Covid-19 in their nostrils than unvaccinated. So, why are people so hell bent on giving people a shot that doesn't even work and may even be making it worse?? Again, make it make sense. Not to mention all the vaccine related deaths and injuries that surely, the mainstream news is telling people about (not shady at all). You can search and find them but they aren't going to tell you up front. Also, there has been some allegations of them erasing numbers from that database (obviously a conspiracy theory), but with all we have seen this last year and a half, I would not be surprised about anything these days. There have been allegations of the actual numbers they give for cases and deaths also being doctored (Just ask NY). The thing is, how would we know? Where is the real data? Who can we trust?

Do you think we can trust the government? The same government that pulled their troops out of Afghanistan BEFORE their own people and weapons in what could only be a blatant purposeful move (because seriously how could they have not known when most of America knows this). It is disturbing, sickening, maddening and just outright evil. Those poor people. It hurts my heart to even think about it. This guy and his military leaders are either totally incompetent or outright evil. I would venture to say both but mostly just evil. There is absolutely no way they could not have known what was going to happen. And it is so sad for those people over there that have been abandoned. And it is also sad for those of us here who remember the 911 attacks so vividly still. Just to sit back and wait for another terror attack but with this leadership, we all know it is coming. And that makes me so angry and depressed and everything in between.

At this point, can anyone honestly tell me that they think this guy got elected without fraud?? Don't even get me started. There is so much evidence of fraud but of course since the media is bought and paid for, you will not see it or hear it unless you go looking for the research yourself. There are actually many patriots that are trying to get the word out there (it's not just Mike Lindell people). Also, I pose this question, if it really was a honest election, then why are so many people in so many states fighting so hard against audits?? If there really is nothing to hide, then why not say, ok look but you aren't going to find anything. The answer is because they can't say that. Because it wouldn't be true. So, that right there tells you most of the answer. My guess is that the fraud goes so deep that not even most Republican officials want to be exposed. This last year and half has totally destroyed my trust in most elected officials on both sides. There are a few sprinkled here and there that are truly trying but they are so few and far between and they are once again, ridiculed, canceled and threatened. Elections matter. And apparently America has been asleep at the wheel when it comes to electing people that actual represent us. I'm not sure if it's too late, but we have to try to elect people that actually care about us and will do things for our good, not their own good. Somehow we have strayed so far away from this idea and we are definitely paying the price. I just hope it's not too late to turn it around.