Where are my people?

 3/29/22

After pulling my kids from the charter school last year, the only logical move was to homeschool them. I have never had a desire to homeschool. But the times in which we live made me realize that I had no choice in the matter, really. Josiah and Moriah were all in. Elijah actually started the year off in school but by the second month, was asking to be homeschooled, as well. We chose different online programs for the boys. Technically, I guess they are not homeschooled, they are online schooled. I poured over curricula for hours until I decided on what to do with Moriah. I chose different programs for different subjects. We started off the school year pretty good. But it didn't take long for it to seem like more of a chore than something I wanted to be doing. In December, I got the opportunity to get a part time job and I took it. So, now I work 3 days a week and Moriah is pretty much on her own for school those days. While I love my job and the extra money it brings in, it has really made the homeschool life very hard. And I am in a constant state of doubt that Moriah is learning enough, though she insists that she is.

After 8 months of this "homeschool" life, I can honestly say I have never felt more alone or isolated. Overwhelmed doesn't even seem to be a big enough word to describe the actual despair and self doubt I feel some days. I tried to find a homeschool group to connect with. If I hear "just Google it" one more time, I might scream. I have Googled. A lot. The church we had been attending had a group of homeschool moms. I thought, surely this is what I need. After asking to be added to their group messages and attending one or two events, I realized that I am just not like them. They are the OG homeschoolers. The ones that planned to homeschool their whole lives. The ones that live, eat and breath homeschooling and all things learning all the time. After two hours of "schooling" in our house, I can't wait to be done and move on to household chores. My brain just does not work like theirs. I do not have the same passion or know how. And I'm tired. Why aren't they tired? Being around these types of women makes me feel like the biggest failure that ever lived, to be honest. Why don't I care as much as they do? Why don't I want to spend hours planning school this week and be sure to tie it into these field trips and make sure we are learning every second of every day?? I mean, what is wrong with me? I also joined multiple Facebook homeschool groups. Every post overwhelms me. Every post makes me feel sad and like a failure. Because it's not just that I am not doing these things, I don't want to do these things.

When I started my homeschool journey, I reached out to all the homeschooling moms I knew and even found some I didn't even really know to talk to. I had many conversations and got lots of information (maybe too much information, really). After those first conversations, I found it interesting that not one of those moms reached out again to see how I was doing or how it was going. I don't blame them. As homeschool moms, they are extremely busy and I get that. But it didn't take long for me to realize that I am on my own here. I guess that I had this insane vision that once I decided to homeschool and "they" heard about it, that this magic homeschool community was going to come in and pick me up and carry me away to triumph and victory! Surely, they would not leave me until they knew that I knew what I was doing and that I was going to be ok. They would not leave me until they knew I was going to be one of the successful homeschool stories where my kids were so smart and will get into all the colleges and stories would be printed about us someday, right??  Haha. I kid. And I know, it's so stupid. I didn't even realize I had an expectation until I was disappointed and feeling very alone with no one to call or lean on. The truth is I do this to myself often. I have a very idealistic way I think the world should be. And then when it isn't that way, I tend to fall into a pit of despair. It's actually pretty exhausting. I don't recommend it. 

Sadly, I am just now having some of these realizations. Last night, I watched a video of a YouTube homeschool mom I follow. She talks about how even she, mighty homeschool mom, was feeling self doubt to where she wondered if she should quit. She gave her reasons as to why this happened. One of these reasons was community and how important is is to have a community that comes along side you and supports you. And somehow it always comes down to this. I have been searching my whole life for my community, my people. And there was a season where I thought I had found them. I thought I had found my true friends who I was going to "do life" with. But when that group came crashing down, I was hurt beyond anything I could imagine. I honestly still am not sure I'm fully over it. But I decided that I am just meant to be alone and not have friends. That's just how it is. Yet, there is always this yearning for it. Someone (or someones) to just get you and understand you and encourage you. To not forget you exist for months at a time. And the truth is, that this is what God wants. He wants you to be in community with others. He designed us to need to each other, to work with each other to be the body of Christ. 

"Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another-and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:24-25

When we aren't doing this, our lives feel incomplete. And I am so tired of being incomplete. The truth is that there is another whole piece of this puzzle. The church piece. And I'm not gonna lie, it has been a huge struggle for me and my whole family. Finding a place we fit in. Finding a place we belong. Sometimes, it seems so hopeless. How can it be that at age 44 that I still haven't found my "place in this world"? I don't know. But what I am learning is that I can't give up. I have to keep going. Even though it's exhausting because I am an introvert and I'm weird and not everyone "gets" me. It's just too important. And I am praying that God guides us to where we are meant to be and has people set aside for us that will become our community. And I pray we find this community soon.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broke." Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12