Dreaming of Mom

Last week, I had a dream about my mom. It was the night before I was going to the dr. in Fort Worth. I had decided to bring the kids with me, though I was dreading it. In the dream, she was weak and frail with sickness. I'm not sure where we were...it wasn't anywhere I recognized. But I got the impression that we were living with her and my dad, wherever it was. Her voice was a little more raspy and sounded a little different from what I remember. I was procrastinating getting ready to leave for the doctors and she looked at me and said, "I will come with you. If he (meaning Elijah) gets out of control, we can stop at Toys R Us and get him a balloon or something." Then, I got the most confused look on my face and I looked at her as if I had never heard anything so preposterous in my life. In that fleeting moment, I felt what it is like to have your mom close, available, always there, ready to help you out in any way she can. Even if she doesn't feel good or feel like it. I just thought, "Oh yeah, you are here. Of course you would come with me and I wouldn't need to do this alone!" Then she told me to take a shower while she followed Moriah out to the yard with the carousel so she could play.(Ha!)
And when I woke up, I was happy for that moment and yet sad because I try not to let myself think about if she was here, with my kids especially. About how much she would love them. And how happy and proud she would be of them. And how, even though she wouldn't live close by, she would have taken every opportunity to come and visit them and spoil them as much as possible. I could see her taking flights back and forth for the biggest and probably even smallest moments....the births, the birthdays, the sicknesses, school events, cooking, cleaning, watching the kids, whatever I needed. And I could see her sometimes just showing up at my door. She would have been here when I felt the physically worst I ever have after I had Moriah. When I was laying on the couch night after night crying in pain. She would have been here so I wouldn't have had the doctor yell at me for driving myself to see him when I was supposed to be resting and threaten to put me in the hospital. I don't usually let myself think of these things because I know it won't change anything and it will just make it worse. But I guess, my subconscious had other plans. I hate that my kids will never know her. They are really missing out. Because when I think about it, they really don't have anyone in their lives that truly spoils them. Both me and my husband tend to be pretty strict with them. They don't have anyone coming over saying, get your shoes on, I am going to take you to the park/store/museum/etc and then we are going to get ice cream! Or I bought you this toy for no special reason because I knew you wanted it. Sometimes, I envy people for having this in their lives. Most likely because I know it would be the same way for me if she was here. I have no doubt that she would be the overbearing Italian grandmother who lives and breathes for her grandchildren because that is who she was. Her family was the most important thing to her. And it just reminds me of what I and my kids both lost on April 1, 2002.

Confessions of a New Dieter

Last year, I had a physical and had some abnormal blood test results. At that point, my dr. suggested that I work hard to lose weight and eat better. So I had been trying (here and there mostly) and did manage to lose a measly 5 pounds in 4 months. My dr. was ok with my progress as long as I keep on working on it, but I was not. I needed something to kick start my weight loss, or so I thought. As it turns out, most of the abnormalities were due to the BCP that I am now no longer on and now my blood tests look pretty good. But I do agree that I should lose weight and eat better anyway, if for anything, for my kids.

So, at the suggestion of my Dr., I started a strict regimented dieting program. Of course, now I curse the day I met him. The diet is high protein and no carbs/sugars. I have to eat their food for breakfast, lunch (with vegetables and salad) and snack and make my own for dinner (following strict guidelines), along with water and supplements. I have a coach I can call for questions and that will meet with me every week to take measurements. And after this first phase, they start phasing you off so you can get back to "normal" life. So far, the food is mostly disgusting. I am trying to find at least 3-5 things that I can switch off and eat on a daily basis. But I am supposed to stick to this regimen until I lose 48 lbs, which could take up to 16 weeks. What have I done?? I must be crazy. Because not only did I sign up for this willingly, I paid what I consider A LOT of money to do it. (They were not up front with ALL the costs if you ask me.)

What I have realized (or just made audible) is that I love "my" food. I miss it terribly. I feel like I said goodbye to a long life friend and they are standing there looking at me walking away, saying "why?". So yeah, I'm depressed a little. And I'm getting headaches. And it's so hard when I am eating salad and bad tasting soup, while my family eats spaghetti or any kind of pasta or bread. On Day 1, I had the most disgusting food, but oddly, I wasn't hungry. Day 2, I had better food but was hungry in between. By dinnertime on Day 3, I was ready to give it up. I did not want to eat another vegetable or salad. I was even proclaiming that I will just be in fat in exchange for the good tasting food I want so bad. But I paid way too much money to give up that easily. So I told my husband I have to at least give it a week. And I am trying my hardest to do that. But it's so hard. And as I write this, I am so hungry and it's still hours until dinner.

My biggest concern is that, even if I make it through the weight loss phase (which I'm not convinced I can), can I really maintain the healthy weight when I am off "on my own" and eating my own things? The thing that attracted me to the program in the first place was the fact that they will phase you into "real" life and teach you to eat well on your own. But even in the last phase, they recommend you have a day of 1st phase diet. I don't know if I can commit to that honestly. If I go off this diet, I never want to eat this way again honestly, especially their food. Maybe once I lose weight and feel better, I will feel differently. But I don't know. I think I love food too much. Maybe it's the Italian in me. So wouldn't it be such a waste to go through all this and then put the weight back on. That would be a disaster and an even more waste of money. I have so many conflicting feeling and emotions going on about this. I know that it would be better for me to lose weight. But do I really need these drastic measures to do so? I thought I did, but now I'm not so sure. Not only that, but the financial cost of the food and the good stuff at the store is just so high. I just don't know if it's worth it. My husband said that maybe we should just do our own diet and eat a healthy and balanced diet. Maybe. But it didn't work so well the first time. Maybe if I had realized how terrible this other option is, I would have worked harder. And I know there are other options, like Weight Watchers. Which maybe would be easier for me. I would never spend the money on it. But then I go and spend much more money on this plan that I am surely hating more than I would Weight Watchers. It doesn't make sense. I guess I thought getting so strict and limited would be the best way for me, since I don't seem to make the best choices on my own. And I guess I wanted someone to tell me what to eat so I didn't have a choice.

But the other battle is that I don't want to be a quitter. Growing up, I quit soccer and softball. I quit college. I made other stupid financial choices and wound up quitting other things, like Mary Kay and Premier Jewelry. Sometimes I wonder if I just like to throw money away and quit things. Well, honestly, I don't feel good about these things. But I wonder how little debt we would be in if I didn't do these stupid things because I sat in a meeting and it worked for those people. It's a good thing my husband likes me enough to put up with all of it. I personally am not liking myself much at the moment. The good thing is that if I do quit this program, I know my husband will understand and not yell and scream about the money I wasted. I am thankful for him right now, because I know he supports me whatever I decide. And I haven't really decided anything yet. I'm gonna try to just get through the week and then talk to my coach. I'm sure I'm not feeling anything someone else hasn't felt before. And I guess I just needed this to rant and get it out of my system. Well, off to make my dinner....

My Kids

For a little while now, I have been wanted to post something about my kids. For those of you that are not able to be around us, I want to give you just an idea of what each of my kids is like. They are all so different and unique. I wish they could know their families better, both near and far.

Josiah - Age 7
Josiah is 7 years old and in 2nd grade at Infinity Preparatory School in Irving. He is probably our most challenging child. As most of you know, there was a period of time that we thought he had Asperger's. He was tested and scored on the edge but not on the spectrum. We never had him re-tested. Mostly becuase we didn't want him to be labeled something he wasn't. He has come a long way since then, but still has his issues. He is very black & white. He is stubborn. He gets stuck on things. He needs and thrives on routine. He is VERY active. He is obsessed with video games. He is definitely a rule follower, sometimes to a fault. A couple weeks ago, he tried to tell me that he was not going to accept apologies for things done wrong to him because they were wrong and it wasn't ever going to be ok. So he definitely has some work to do in the mercy and forgivness area. I worry about this for a variety of obvious reasons. I hope he can learn to accept and give mercy before he starts hurting his friends and classmates feelings and loses them. And I hope that someday he can understand God's mercy and forgiveness but I know he is not at that place right now. Of course, he has some great qualities as well! He is SO smart, maybe TOO smart. He's a very good reader. He's great at math and numbers. He definitely is a leader. He loves little kids and loves to make them smile. He loves his brother and sister and would do anything for them. He can clean up his room pretty good when told to. He likes his school and his teacher. He plays soccer and seems to enjoy that. We tried baseball first but there was way too much down time for him! He loves music and can actually sing quite well. He LOVES to eat, always has. He can eat more than me for sure. He is also almost as tall as me. I know, not a great feat. Even though he can be a challenge, I love him so much. He is growing so fast, it's so hard to believe. I see so much of myself in him sometimes, it's scary. I just hope and pray that I can help him to grow into the best person he can be and that he truly is happy.
Possible professions I could see in his future: Judge, Principal, CEO, Teacher, Video Game Programmer

Elijah - Age 4
Elijah is 4 years old (5 in January) and stays home with me during the day. He is a sweet and likable boy. He is happy, inquisitive and naturally athletic. He constantly is talking or asking questions! I don't know what's the longest amount of time he has gone without talking but it's not long! He loves soccer and football. The first time he stepped on the soccer field, it was just like breathing to him. He picked it up easily and quickly became one of the best players on the team. Frank wants to put him on a track to play professional soccer in Europe, preferrably with Manchester United. LOL He likes football a lot too, though he hasn't played it yet. When we have soccer or football on, he likes to mimic what they are doing on screen. It's so funny. He is smart too but can be lazy. He loves music and him and Josiah like to sing all the songs on the Wonder Pets and Backyardigans CD's they have (which is not annoying at all!). He does have a sweet, sensative side and he constantly says "I love you" to me and my husband. He gets scared easily and likes to have someone with him to do certain things. Him and Josiah share a room and often sleep in the same bed, even though they have bunk beds. They are very close and like to do everything together. I worry about this situation in the future when Josiah gets older and may want his space. But for now, it works. Before I stayed home, he was at daycare and any teacher he had, loved him. I honestly can't wait for him to start Kindergarten next year. I know he will flourish in school.
Possible professions I could see in his future: Professional athlete, Sports Newscaster, Journalist, Paleontologist.

Moriah - Age 8 months
Moriah is the literaly the light of my life. I didn't know that I needed her (as she was not technically "planned" by us, anyway), but she really does complete our family. She is the most precious baby ever. And I'm not just saying that. When we go out in public, she lights up anyones day. She smiles at most everyone and their hearts just melt. Sometimes, complete strangers even ask if they can hold her! She is so pretty and very sweet. She is laid back. She hardly cries. She sleeps well and on her own. Though she, like the boys, wakes up way too early! She can sit up on her own and is army crawling (using mostly her arms). She is on her way to regular crawling (rocking back and forth) though she isn't quite there yet. She likes to grab anything around her and put it in her mouth, of course. She loves music. She loves Chica on Sprout channel and Dr. Scott, Paleontologist on the show, Dinasaur Train. LOL Right now, she is teething so there is some fussiness but I'm sure it's mild compared to some other kids. She loves baby food (and Gerber puffs) so far and is always looking at us whenever we eat anything because I think she wants some! She likes the sound of crunching food when you are eating, too (Example: she stops whenever she hears the Wholly Guacamole commercial with the lady eating the chips. LOL). She LOVES her brothers and constantly laughs at them and with them. Her and Josiah like to make high pitch noises together (and sometimes it's hard to tell them apart!). She wants to get right in the action and gets frustrated if they don't pay attention to her sometimes! She will probably be a handful when she starts walking! She recently has started saying words like Baba (bottle), Dada, Mama. I cannot believe she is about to be 9 months old. The time is going WAY too fast!
Possible professions I could see in her future: Hard to tell when she is so young and doesn't talk, but she could definitely be a baby model!

It's so funny how life changes once you have children, and more with each one you add. And it definitely goes by too fast. My husband and I were married almost 7 years when we had Josiah. I can't even remember what we did with all our time before they came into our lives! LOL
I also think it's funny how they are all so different. They are all so special in their own ways. Hopefully this will give a picture of them to anyone who doesn't have the chance to be here with us.

The Hardest Job Ever

I posted today on Facebook about how being a stay at home mom is the hardest job ever. How for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm failing. I just found the need to expound on this and so here I am!
 
I have been working since I was 16. When I was in college, I had 3 part time jobs. I have always been a good, dare I say great, employee. I have a good work ethic. When I was in the workplace, I worked hard and did a good job. I would get frustrated at times, of course. I would want to slack off at times, of course. But I always did the best I could. Sometimes I was rewarded, sometimes I wasn't. But that didn't deter me because I knew it was the right thing. I was proud of my work habits. I felt good about getting things accomplished. I like checklists and more importantly, checking off the things on those lists.

But these things do not translate to being at home. The house is always a mess. One or more of the kids always need something. There is way too much to do and not enough time to do it. Laundry, dishes, homework, housework. Sometimes I feel like my house is actually swallowing me up! And I have absolutely NO energy. I always have good intentions but they rarely become actual deeds. And don't even get me started on the organization. I love organization. I want and need to be organized so badly, but it's not happening. I'm drowning in a sea of clothes and papers and toys. And there are so many good ideas out there, sometimes I get overwhelmed just by the pure amount of them! I let Elijah watch too much TV and do not do enough projects or papers with him. I'm not really the creative type and yes again, there are way too many ideas out there. I don't like to take the kids out a lot because it's tiring, cost too much money but mostly because I like being home. I think I romanticized the idea of staying home. I thought, think of the time I'll have to do things! I will get so much accomplished in the house! Ha! I can only laugh at that now. The grasser is always greener...as they say.

I guess I'm still transitioning from the work world to this new world of chaos and confusion. It's overwhelming. There are so many lessons I feel I need to learn during this time. I'm used to being good at what I do. But I don't feel like I'm very good at this. And so this is the most humbling experience I have ever had. Bingo! Maybe that is the first lesson God is trying to teach me, humility. And it's hard. Some days I think about giving up and just going back back to work. Because that is easy and comfortable. But then some days, I feel like I need this challenge and I will overcome. I do feel like God is really working hard on me right now. He doesn't want me to take the easy way out. He wants me to go through this, He NEEDS me to go through this. So that I can be a better person, mother and wife in the end.

The Death of a Family

Many days we spent together
As we were growing up
There were times nothing was better
Than to share the family cup

So much laughter and a few tears
And yet we always knew
The love we felt through the years
Must be tried and true

Well time has taken a nasty toll
What happened to us all?
It seems we all forgot our roll
And one by one we fall

Bitterness and anger took over
And we gave up the fight
And now it seems we're no where closer
To put the pieces back right

Pain and loss surround us all
And hope is surely gone
No matter how loud we call
We are truly all alone

As my heart reflects all this
I am shaken to my core
For all the things that I do miss
What was it all for?

Grief and loss is what I feel
There's nothing to be done
But accept what's truly real
That all we know is gone

Strength and Independence

Being strong and independent is not always a good thing. And needing others is sometimes good...and necessary. When I was younger, my dad nicknamed me "independent Jenn". At that time, I always thought of it as a compliment. "Wow, isn't it so great to be so independent? I can do what I want and I don't need anyone else. I am so grown up." I always wanted to be doing my own thing, going my own way, grow up too fast. Now when I think of the name, I am almost ashamed.

Yes, it's true that there is a degree of strength and independence one needs in order to live life successfully. Otherwise, no one would leave their childhood house, go to college or move away to a new city.  But when others look at you and say, "Oh, she is fine, she doesn't need anyone. She's got it all under control", then you are truly on your own. There will be no offers to do this or that. No one will think to see how you are doing, because you are, of course, are fine. The loneliness I tend to feel is not everyone else's fault. It's mostly my own fault. If I make others think that I am strong and can handle anything, they will not give me a second thought. And can you blame them? Why waste time on someone who doesn't need it. But the truth is, I am as vulnerable and needy as everyone else. I just try to hide it. I have always felt that these things make me weak. I also do not want to have to rely on anyone else because I am sure I will be disappointed. The problem with this is that I am the one missing out. I am missing out on closeness and friendships. Of course, there are a few people in my life that I know I can count on and they will be there for me no matter what. But there is a reason my email is mostly spam and the only people that call my phone are those that want money.

Admitedly, building friendships is not something I am good at. I have so many shortfalls. I have a hard time asking people for help. I have a hard time being vulnerable. I don't want to be perceived as weak. I have a hard time seeing needs of people right in front of me. I am stubborn, hardened, prideful. And I ashamed of all these things. So tonight I am praying for change in my life. Because ultimately, God is the only one who can change me.

My thoughts on American Idol last night

I don't really know why I want to write this but it's on my mind and I want to get into the habit of writing blogs so here it goes...

Last night, Jessica Sanchez, who is considered one of the front runners and is a great singer, almost got sent home from American Idol. It was a "shocker" to most people. But after thinking about it, here are three reasons I think this happened.

1. Confidence or Arrogance? - Jessica did herself no favors by telling the audience that she has an alter ego, bb chez. It made her seem arrogant and like she thinks she's all that before she is even famous. There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance and once you cross it on American Idol, it's hard to go back. America does not forgive easily.

2. Voting - Though they may be watching, most boys/men are not actually voting. But most girls/women are. So of course they are going to vote for the cute guys. And come on, let's admit it, both Phillip and Colton are such cutie pie's! I have only voted once this season so far and it was for both these guys and Elise. Though she has a great voice and talent, Jessica just doesn't really appeal to me overall.

3. Song Choice - She picked an unknown song from an unknown artist to sing. I didn't know the song or the artist. So I had to look up Jazmine what's her name on wikipedia. I didn't really learn anything except that she hasn't done much and she spells her name with a z. She should have picked something known and current.

Now, a couple last thoughts...though Phillip and Colton are not the technically best singers, there is just something about each of them.

Colton has grown on me each week. Out of all the contestants, the music he will make after Idol will probably appeal to me most as a Christian rock/alternative artist. He also has a good niche - young christian girls. They like to vote.

What can I say about Phillip? I have loved him from the start. Just something about him when he is on that stage. Even before I watched last nights show, I thought, "I think I might be over Phillip" but as soon as he got on that stage and starting singing, I knew I wasn't. I just love him. He's different than the others and of course he's got that innocent southern charm. I do wish he would wear some color instead of just black and gray!

As far as Elise, I really like her and think she is very talented. The only thing I can think is that she is from the North and the rest of the contestants are from the South. So maybe mostly southerners are invested and actually voting.

Ok. Well that's all for now...Hopefully this will spur me on to write more blogs in the future!