Surreal is the word, I think?

 July 24, 2023

"This cannot be real life." These are the words I keep repeating to myself daily, it seems. When they say this cancer changes your life, they are not kidding. In ways you expect and in ways you do not. From the way you look, to the way you feel to the things you can do comfortably still. My first experience with cancer (Thyroid) was a walk in a park compared to this. Easy Peasy. I know it was a different kind and different treatment. But it in no way prepared me for this new journey, that's for sure. 

Today is 4 weeks post surgery. Here is the update:

I am still SLOWLY recovering from the surgery. With the lumpectomy, I had a breast reduction. I figured, they might as well get rid of as much tissue as possible while they are in there. This recovery has been so much harder than I thought. I currently have an area (or two) that are not healing well. And everyday, I'm panicking about...is it infected? Do I call the Dr? What do I do? Why does my body hate me?? So the areas (one in particular) is still very stingy and uncomfortable. The plastic surgeon's told me that it would take 3 to 4 months to heal completely. 😢 It also does not help that when you look at yourself, you think Frankenstein's bride (or twin).

When they did the lumpectomy, they also did a sentinel lymph node biopsy. They took out 2 lymph nodes, in my case. One of these lymph nodes was found to have the cancer in it. And also, it was already starting to protrude outside of the lymph node (focal extranodal extension, to be exact). Definitely not was I was expecting or wanting to hear! This was supposed to be easy, remember? It's early, no big deal, women go through this all the time... It's amazing the way those words will come back to haunt you. With this being the case, I was told I would be having chemo, as well as the radiation. I am still struggling with this. Surreal is the only word I can think of to describe it. This is not how this is supposed to go. This cannot be real life.

So, off to see the radiation and medical oncologist I go. I got in to see the radiation oncologist first because they had a cancellation and it just worked out that way. He tells us the process and it all sounds ok. Because of my age, 6 weeks (30 treatments) of radiation. But it doesn't sound too awful so I think "I can handle this." He says well you are not ready for radiation (based on the surgery healing) but go see your medical oncologist and let us know if you have to do chemo first. No problem.

We met with the medical oncologist on July 13th. She seems serious. This must be more serious than I thought. I definitely need chemo, but she is unsure of the kind. She mentions "the red devil" and 4 or 6 months possible. I will lose my hair, even if I use a cooling cap and in fact, the cap might not be practical because of the amounts of treatment and might just give me a headache). Obviously, we are concerned about the lymph node protrudal. She cannot decide on treatment until she has some more information. So, that means a nice day of tests and scans at the hospital. She sets up orders for the test, does some blood work and says I will need a port put in for the chemo. And also orders an extra test on the biopsied lymph node (to test for Her2 again). We set up an appointment for the next week to find out results and where we go from here.

The day of the scans was long and I was so tired and hungry. I got there at 8 and didn't leave until 1. I came home, ate and and took a long nap. They did a bone scan, CT scan of Abdomen and Chest and Echocardiogram. The whole week was actually exhausting as I had medical appointments all week (except Friday). 

On Thursday, July 20th, we met with the medical oncologist again to see what the plan is. The good news was the scans showed no spread! So that was the best news. I still need to have chemo but now she was suggesting a different course. (TC instead of AC-T). I will still lose my hair, but she seemed more hopeful about using the cooling cap, this time. So, all that is somewhat of a relief. She was still undecided about doing a 4 dose or 6 dose treatment. So, surprisingly to me, she asked me what I wanted to do. I of course told her, less is more and I would like the 4 doses, please. (Of course, understanding that more could possibly make it less likely to come back, but there is no way to really know that). She agreed and so the plan is set. I got my Chemo binder, set my chemo class time and have to get my port placed (I have horrible veins).

I will start chemo on August 1st (Frank and I will be celebrating 25 years in style!). I will have 4 doses of TC (Docetaxel + Cyclophosphamide) every 3 weeks. I am going to try and use the Paxman Cooling cap to at best, reduce hair loss or at worst, have it regrow back faster after treatment. I have been bombarded with information about what could happen and what I can take or do to prevent or combat it. My head is often spinning. I am so scared that scared isn't even the word. Maybe petrified is the word? After chemo is done, then I will start my 6 week radiation plan. (The only thing that could change my course now is the Her2 Fish results that they had to order on the lymph node. Pray for negative.) I am happy to have a plan though and all I can do is make the best of it. But it all seems so hard and scary. Once I have the first treatment, I'm sure it will be better knowing how my body will react. I will have the port placed this Wednesday, July 26th. Did you know they put you under to have this done?? It's an outpatient procedure. Not looking forward to it, either.

While there was some good news, the path is still long and hard. And I still feel very much alone. I pray but it seems God is so far. It's like in Harry Potter, when Dumbledore is avoiding and ignoring Harry because he has a connection to Voldemort. Harry, of course, does not understand why this is. He says, I feel more alone than ever. Boy, do I feel those words. I am not sure why God is silent to me at this time. And I'm not sure why He wants me to go through this. All I can do is trust there is a reason and plan for all this. 

My song through all this is Truth I'm Standing On by Leanna Crawford.

… Scared, oh I thought I knew scared
Now I'm so filled with fear
I can barely move

… Doubts, I've had my share of doubts
But never more than right now
I'm wondering where are You

… Here on the edge of fall apart
Somehow Your promises
Find my troubled heart

… This is the truth I'm standing on
Even when all my strength is gone
You are faithful forever
And I know You'll never
Let me fall

… Right now, I'm choosing to believe
Someday soon, I'll look back and see
All the pain had a purpose
Your plan was perfect all along
This is the truth I'm standing on

Link to song: https://youtu.be/vrWdkziEuyA

Losing the Mental Battle

Flowers from my boys

6-30-23

My breast cancer surgery finally happened on Monday, 6-26-23. I should be happy. I should be relieved. This whole process has been the most frustrating and awful experience of my life. From the "it's early, you are lucky and will be fine" to the too LONG wait for surgery because "there are more important people in front of me" and doctors have to take vacations to the day of surgery and not knowing if insurance was going to pay for part of it and just how much this is all going to cost.

Communications from doctor's offices are awful. It's been 4 days later and I still don't know, did they get all the cancer out with clear margins? how many lymph nodes did they take to test? Doctor was hoping the pathology would be back by today (since next week is a holiday) but it's after 5 and I haven't heard anything so I'm not hopeful. 

The first nurse I had after my surgery was absolutely awful. She was a mix of nervousness and ignorance that should not be allowed near patients. I was so nauseous from the anesthesia. She said there was a better medicine I could have but they couldn't put it in my regular IV. They would have to find another line. Also, it could turn my hand black if they did it wrong (I'm sorry, what? Oh yeah, sign me up for that, then). She couldn't find a vein so she got these vein specialists to come and they scanned my arms and told me there weren't any good ones, so tough luck. It's not exactly the experience you want to have when you are feeling so bad already. Luckily, the next nurse that took over restored my faith in nurses. She was able to get a line the first time, it didn't really hurt even. She couldn't believe the things the other lady told me and laughed about the black hand part. I told her I didn't want to leave with a hand like Dumbledore. 

Discharge was awful. Second surgeon didn't show up until 7pm or even after. Didn't even check my wounds and said if you want to go home, I can make it happen. Apparently, he didn't tell the nurses though. When they finally caught on (Oh, he's discharging you for tonight??), it was long drawn out process because the meds he called in for me, 1 was out of stock and then he didn't even call in one I asked him for (which never got done). So, they had to get all that figured out. It took hours while I sat there in limbo not knowing what was going on. They tried giving the best discharge instructions but they were basic, at best and also contradictory (take a shower in 3 days vs don't take a shower until your drains come out). Clear as mud. I HATE the drains. They are probably the worst post op thing I've ever had to deal with. I'm still so unsure about the dressings. They said I could change them but when I looked today to do that, it seemed like an insurmountable task. So many bandages with so much tape and I'm not even sure I have enough supplies. (Oh sweet Jesus, what has been done). And to do it without disturbing the drains seems very unlikely. My follow up appointment where they hopefully will remove drains is not till next Wednesday because of the holiday and I am dreading the next 5 days more than any I ever have. 

I stopped taking the pain meds late Wednesday because I hated the way they made me feel. Like I wasn't even here and all I did was sleep. But now, I can't sleep at all. Not because of pain but my insomnia is the worst it's ever been and I'm losing my mind half the time. There's nothing to do. I am tired but can't go to sleep. When I do doze off, I have the weirdest dreams.

My mental state is the worst it's been in this journey. I am a mess. Everyday seems like a chore. Everything seems so hard. And after these next 2 to 3 weeks, guess what? I am finally graced with an oncologist's presence so I can do more great things, like radiation! And then, I get to take some pill that destroys some people's lives with side effects for 5 years! Oh, yay!

I don't want to. I didn't ask for this. I never wanted any of this. And I cannot express to you the immense feelings of loneliness. And it's not because people are not there. I had people there with me and have people around me now and many checking in. But they don't get it. If they've never gone through it, they don't and won't understand. It's so hard to process and explain and by the time you do process one thing, the moment has passed and nothing makes sense again. The next 2 months just seem so bleak to me. I know there are good things but I don't see them right now. All I see is dread, fear, and exhaustion that knows no bounds. Maybe a long time from now, I will be grateful for this time in my life. But that time is not now.

Because I don't want to end this on such a terrible thought, I will talk about two bright spots this week. There is a hockey mom I met a little while back. Our sons have done things together here and there but they do not play on the same teams. She took it upon herself to make sure she knew when my surgery was and when she could deliver us some food. Turns out it was exactly what we needed when we needed it. I am so thankful I didn't have to worry about my family eating on top of everything I was experiencing. She doesn't even know me that well and doesn't live close by. But she is an angel and her act of kindness was so appreciated!

The other bright spot was the second nurse I had. She was amazing. She restored my faith in nurses that night and I'm not even joking. She was kind and gentle (like her name, Gentille). And knew what she was doing. She was also the nurse at discharge and she said I was one of her favorite patients and was sad to see me go. I wouldn't have minded to spend the night in her care, honestly. But, I also did want to go home and not be hooked up to so many things (and to not have to pay for another night of services!).

Anyway, I'm sorry for all the negativeness. I hope by venting and getting some of it out, it will help me move forward even if only just to sleep better tonight.

Unexpected News

April 1, 2023

I don't what it is about this time of year, but the last week of March, first week of April are particularly hard times for me and my family. Here are a few things in particular that have happened this time of year in the past.

April 1, 2002, My mom passed away from ovarian cancer

April 3, 2003 I found out I had thyroid cancer, which also happened to be my mom's birthday

March 31, 2021 at 2am woke to our outdoor kitchen on fire in the backyard. The fire just made it to the house as the firefighters put it out. A very scary event for all of us!

Now, I have another unfortunate event to add to this list. 

Yesterday, on March 31st, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

The last two weeks have been a bit of whirlwind, you might say. Last Monday, March 20th, I had my yearly mammogram. A small mass was seen so I was scheduled for an ultrasound, and then ultimately a biopsy on Wednesday. By Friday (yesterday), I was told it was indeed cancer. It all seems a bit surreal still. 

The good thing is that it was caught early and it is small. (Ladies, if you are over 40, please be sure to get your yearly mammograms!) We are still waiting on a couple more test results to come back, but at this point, I am told it should be a standard procedure of surgery, possibly radiation and then hormone therapy and done. I expect to be fine just uncomfortable getting there! I do have as positive an attitude you can have with this news. But it is the process of all these things (and their costs!) that isn't going to be very fun. We have a meeting with the surgeon next Tuesday, where we hopefully will get some more information on how to go forward. 

The other good news is that I am not alone. I have family and friends that will support me. But the biggest support I have is Christ. I know He is with me, just as He was with me through my mom's illness and death and my journey with thyroid cancer. He will be the one to get me through this and use it for His purpose and glory.

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me" 

Psalms 23:4

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete." 

James 1:2-4

Disappointment

3/8/2023, 3/19/2023

There was a game. Yes, it was a youth hockey game. It was an important game. Winning meant you go to the National's to represent your state. Losing meant your season is over. So, yeah, a pretty important game. Well, unexpectedly to many, they lost. It was heartbreaking. Some things happened in the game that destroyed me. There were two plays that haunted me for a week. I could not sleep thinking about them. It wasn't just the plays themselves but the people that were involved in the plays and how my son was treated in those plays. I know I shouldn't care so much, but I can't help it. I feel hurt over it, as stupid as it sounds. And I feel he was robbed of an experience he worked so hard to get to. (Sidenote: Even though I was very hurt by these plays, my son's reaction was "it's just hockey" so he didn't take it the same way I did. He is much more easygoing and a turn the other cheek type of person and I'm happy about that!)

I thought this blog entry would be to just complain about this specific game, but as some time has passed, it has turned into something else. I took that loss the hardest I've ever taken one of my son's losses. It's been two weeks now and I still can't sleep. I have had to struggle with why it was affecting me so much. I have had to analyze my deep hurt feelings for something that I should seemingly just brush off. It's just a game. He's only 15. It's not that big a deal. So, why does it feel like such a big deal to me, even still?

This past hockey season we have contemplated many decisions and possible ideas of what the future could hold for us and for our son. We have literally considered moving hundreds of miles away so he could play better hockey. So he could play with kids that were nicer, better and would accept him. (Of course, we could never know if that would even happen or he would just be an outsider but it was nice to think about). And not to say that kids he plays with now are not nice, but there are only a couple that he would say are his friends or that he could relate to. The week before this tournament, he tried to tell me that probably half the kids on his team didn't care if they won or lost. I thought that was ridiculous and that he was wrong. Why play travel hockey if you didn't want to win? Why let your parents spend all that money for something you didn't even care about that much? Unfortunately, after playing this most important game of the season and arguably his whole hockey career so far, he told me how the kids reacted in the locker room and how he was right. This just made me all the more angry and hurt. Some of those guys let their teammates down and that's just how it is.

3/29/2023

It has taken me weeks but I finally feel like the feelings of hurt and disappoint have subsided a little for me. It still sucks that Elijah was robbed of this great opportunity but as they say, everything happens for a reason. I am working on coping better with life's disappointments, with God's help.

At 45, I still don't know what I'm doing!

2/20/23

Here I am again. I noticed a pattern to this blog. Between 1-3 times a year, my thoughts become too much for me and I have to get them out so I can start sleeping again. The funny thing is that I am always writing in my head. I actually love to write. Maybe it is what I am supposed to be doing in life but just didn't realize it or make it happen, I don't know. Or maybe it's just something I love to do when I can, when I'm overwhelmed, when I'm not pressured to do so. The crazy thing is that even though I love to write and I'm constantly "writing" things in my head, I don't usually share them. Mostly because I don't think anyone will care. And sometimes my thoughts can go off the rails. And I'm sure my type of writing isn't for everyone. Also, it's funny because sometimes the "writing" in my head is so loud, that it actually feels as if I said it to someone. Maybe that means I'm crazy. I probably am. 

Anyway, I jumped on here because of the same reasons as always. I am full of anxiety and fear and need a way to get the loud thoughts out of my head. I am not sleeping well because my brain won't shut up sometimes. I am so tired. I read my last entry written last year and I definitely still can relate to it. I feel alone, a lot. I should mention though, that I do have 1 tried and true friend, that is a homeschooler and has been my saving grace for this year. Yes, I continue to homeschool this year because I am a crazy person (and because certain places can't be trusted). But it is a little different this year because I teamed up with this saving grace and she allows me to take my daughter there so she can teach her with her kids 3 days of the week. The other days, I am to make sure she does her other work or get her to do other work. And I can honestly say, I am not good at even that! Whatever part of the brain it is that makes you want to stand next to your kids and watch every thing they are doing and make sure they do everything they have to and are doing it correctly, well, mine broke. I feel like I may have had this part of the brain at one point, but it is long gone. I think I'm just too old now. It's hard enough to talk myself into doing the things I have to do, nevermind talking my strong-willed, stubborn daughter into doing the things she has to do (and usually doesn't want to). But the fact that I cannot be trusted even 2 days a week has cemented my feelings that something has to change on the homeschool front. So, we have been working on a plan to get her back in school. It will either require moving entirely or putting her in a place that will totally inconvenience me to get her back and forth from. Sigh. Nothing is really easy these days.

The other thing is I should really get a job. Turns out that having a son who plays travel hockey and high school hockey is way more expensive that even we wanted to admit. And now that we have had to face the facts, any extra money would be most beneficial to us at this point. Unfortunately, with the schedules we have and trying to take into account future schooling opportunities, I have no idea what working would look like. Of course, remote would be my best option but have you seen the remote "jobs" lately? Most of them seem like made up scams. Then, you add in part-time remote opportunities and yikes. And if I'm being completely honest, I don't really want to work right now in my life. The kids are getting older but they are still needy and in the back of my mind, I know before we know it, one or more of them will be gone. I also have so many other things (hobbies) I want to do and projects I want to tackle in the house. When will those things get done? There is also this overwhelming feeling I get sometimes that I was made for more than this. That there is something else I am supposed to be doing, some sort of ministry or calling, but I just can't grasp what "it" is. The years are flying by and here I am, still trying to "figure it out". It is all so overwhelming and exhausting. 

Sadly, at 45, I still don't know what I'm doing in most everything in life. I don't have a career and I still don't know what I want to be when I "grow up". I feel like I fail daily at being and mom and wife. I am overwhelmed and stressed. I have so much anxiety about so many things. I have very few people I can completely confide in. I have been hurt so much, that I am guarded and wary of people. And yet I still yearn to be part of a group or community that I fit into. That just seems insane, really. Unfortunately, I think I've finally realized that it just isn't going to happen for me. If I haven't find my place in this world at this point, I don't think I will. It's a sad realization I've come to in the last few weeks. Some people thrive in groups and I want to be those people! But, I think I'm too weird. I have a dry and weird sense of humor. I'm also introverted and shy so it's so hard for me to speak up. And maybe, most people just don't get me. And I think I just have to accept that. I have gone into situations telling myself, just don't talk about this or just remember to say or don't say this or that or sometimes I just tell myself please, for the love of God, try not to talk at all! And then maybe, just maybe, they will like you. Well, I can tell you, it doesn't work. We are who we are. People need to take me or leave me as I am. Most leave me and I am working on accepting that.

My family is another whole story. I don't want to say too much but the hurt I have felt from my family in the last few years is almost debilitating to me. I try to say that things don't bother me and honestly, I try not to think about it. Because it hurts too much when I do. It's true, that I did move away so yes, some of it is on me. But in today's day and age, there are many ways to keep in touch. But they are not enough and I am forgotten and ignored. And sometimes being ignored is the worst feeling of all. Because it means you don't matter anymore. Out of sight, out of mind. I do know some of it is my fault. But not all of it. And thinking about how a family can just forget you so easily, it does hurt. The biggest hurt in all of it is that my kids will never really know my side of the family. Besides my brother and sister, they still don't know who most of my family is. It sucks. But then I think, it's their loss. But really, it's all of our losses. When I have grandkids, I cannot wait to smother them with grandmotherly love! Oh believe me, they will wish I would ignore them! And I guess that is the only thing to do, look forward to better days WAY in the future. Haha.

I'm not really sure what the point of this is except to vent honestly. And, also that as much as I hate to say it, people need people. And I think all anyone really wants is to be loved and accepted. And maybe it shouldn't be hard, but it is.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6:25-34

Where are my people?

 3/29/22

After pulling my kids from the charter school last year, the only logical move was to homeschool them. I have never had a desire to homeschool. But the times in which we live made me realize that I had no choice in the matter, really. Josiah and Moriah were all in. Elijah actually started the year off in school but by the second month, was asking to be homeschooled, as well. We chose different online programs for the boys. Technically, I guess they are not homeschooled, they are online schooled. I poured over curricula for hours until I decided on what to do with Moriah. I chose different programs for different subjects. We started off the school year pretty good. But it didn't take long for it to seem like more of a chore than something I wanted to be doing. In December, I got the opportunity to get a part time job and I took it. So, now I work 3 days a week and Moriah is pretty much on her own for school those days. While I love my job and the extra money it brings in, it has really made the homeschool life very hard. And I am in a constant state of doubt that Moriah is learning enough, though she insists that she is.

After 8 months of this "homeschool" life, I can honestly say I have never felt more alone or isolated. Overwhelmed doesn't even seem to be a big enough word to describe the actual despair and self doubt I feel some days. I tried to find a homeschool group to connect with. If I hear "just Google it" one more time, I might scream. I have Googled. A lot. The church we had been attending had a group of homeschool moms. I thought, surely this is what I need. After asking to be added to their group messages and attending one or two events, I realized that I am just not like them. They are the OG homeschoolers. The ones that planned to homeschool their whole lives. The ones that live, eat and breath homeschooling and all things learning all the time. After two hours of "schooling" in our house, I can't wait to be done and move on to household chores. My brain just does not work like theirs. I do not have the same passion or know how. And I'm tired. Why aren't they tired? Being around these types of women makes me feel like the biggest failure that ever lived, to be honest. Why don't I care as much as they do? Why don't I want to spend hours planning school this week and be sure to tie it into these field trips and make sure we are learning every second of every day?? I mean, what is wrong with me? I also joined multiple Facebook homeschool groups. Every post overwhelms me. Every post makes me feel sad and like a failure. Because it's not just that I am not doing these things, I don't want to do these things.

When I started my homeschool journey, I reached out to all the homeschooling moms I knew and even found some I didn't even really know to talk to. I had many conversations and got lots of information (maybe too much information, really). After those first conversations, I found it interesting that not one of those moms reached out again to see how I was doing or how it was going. I don't blame them. As homeschool moms, they are extremely busy and I get that. But it didn't take long for me to realize that I am on my own here. I guess that I had this insane vision that once I decided to homeschool and "they" heard about it, that this magic homeschool community was going to come in and pick me up and carry me away to triumph and victory! Surely, they would not leave me until they knew that I knew what I was doing and that I was going to be ok. They would not leave me until they knew I was going to be one of the successful homeschool stories where my kids were so smart and will get into all the colleges and stories would be printed about us someday, right??  Haha. I kid. And I know, it's so stupid. I didn't even realize I had an expectation until I was disappointed and feeling very alone with no one to call or lean on. The truth is I do this to myself often. I have a very idealistic way I think the world should be. And then when it isn't that way, I tend to fall into a pit of despair. It's actually pretty exhausting. I don't recommend it. 

Sadly, I am just now having some of these realizations. Last night, I watched a video of a YouTube homeschool mom I follow. She talks about how even she, mighty homeschool mom, was feeling self doubt to where she wondered if she should quit. She gave her reasons as to why this happened. One of these reasons was community and how important is is to have a community that comes along side you and supports you. And somehow it always comes down to this. I have been searching my whole life for my community, my people. And there was a season where I thought I had found them. I thought I had found my true friends who I was going to "do life" with. But when that group came crashing down, I was hurt beyond anything I could imagine. I honestly still am not sure I'm fully over it. But I decided that I am just meant to be alone and not have friends. That's just how it is. Yet, there is always this yearning for it. Someone (or someones) to just get you and understand you and encourage you. To not forget you exist for months at a time. And the truth is, that this is what God wants. He wants you to be in community with others. He designed us to need to each other, to work with each other to be the body of Christ. 

"Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another-and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:24-25

When we aren't doing this, our lives feel incomplete. And I am so tired of being incomplete. The truth is that there is another whole piece of this puzzle. The church piece. And I'm not gonna lie, it has been a huge struggle for me and my whole family. Finding a place we fit in. Finding a place we belong. Sometimes, it seems so hopeless. How can it be that at age 44 that I still haven't found my "place in this world"? I don't know. But what I am learning is that I can't give up. I have to keep going. Even though it's exhausting because I am an introvert and I'm weird and not everyone "gets" me. It's just too important. And I am praying that God guides us to where we are meant to be and has people set aside for us that will become our community. And I pray we find this community soon.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broke." Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12

Thoughts of a Conservative who loves America

 8/25/2021

I am honestly just so frustrated with pent up thoughts and feelings, that I don't even know where to begin. I am not even sure if I should or will post this but I guess we will just have to see. Sometimes, my brain gets so full of thoughts that I just need to empty it out and let the cards fall where they may. Some days it honestly feels like too much to handle. There is so much evil and deception going on in this country (and world). It's hard to know where to turn or what to do. Of course, as Christians, we know what we should do. Turn to the Lord. Pray. Meditate on His Word. So, why is it so hard then? 

I feel like I'm in a never ending cycle of hope and despair. Everything seems so hopeless and depressing. Then there is a glimmer of hope and you think, finally some good news. But the very next moment, there is something else just as bad, if not even worse you hear about. The good thing is that there are people fighting. There are many Patriots who do not want to see this country turn into a communistic third world country. And they are trying their very best to turn things around. But the truth is that they need people to stand with them. And in today's day, it is so hard to know how to do this. Social media is filled with lies and misinformation. The only information actually being censored is the truth. So, yes, I can blast information from my profile but it will only lead to being put in Facebook jail, taken off YouTube, banned from Twitter. How most people don't see the loss of freedom of speech in this country is out of control, I have no idea. Then, you have the media. They prove daily that journalism is dead. There are only a select few of journalists that even have any integrity left. Those that do stand up are ridiculed, canceled and threatened. Even by just asking questions, (which by the way should be a journalists job!), journalists are punished. I haven't watched mainstream news in at least a year. My husband has put it on here and there and not even 5 minutes in, you can hear the blatant bias and sometimes, outright lies. I honestly don't know how anyone can even watch CNN but I would bet that most of the outraged, hateful people on social media do. They infect their viewers with the evil poison of fear, anger and hate daily. And yet people can't see it. If you want to know truth, I admit it is hard to know where to go. There are handful of people out there that are telling the truth, but most of them are getting censored so they are not on mainstream platforms. If you try to make light of their information, you are labeled a conspiracy theorist and a deplorable. It is no secret that you will be "booed" off social media if you are trying to tell the truth, whether by social media itself or the enraged liberal left who can't even take it when someone just questions the narrative. This fact in itself should tell people a lot, but they are so zombie brainwashed, mostly by fear. 

Fear is a powerful emotion. And the ruling elite know this. Then, they were able to get a taste of this with the coming of Coronavirus and now all bets are off. If you really think that by wearing masks and getting 45 shots of the vaccine that all of sudden things will be back to normal at some point, well then you are not paying attention nor are you thinking critically (Remember when they used to teach you how to do that in schools? Ah, the good old days). Now that they know that they can control you through fear, they will stop at nothing to do so. The next fear crisis has already been introduced and will be used if and when the people stop fearing the virus. Climate change is next. Which makes me laugh. The fact that we actually think we can control the climate in any way is laughable to me. Yes, we should be good stewards of what God has given us. But only God can determine when this world passes away and there is nothing we can do to change that. So that seems futile to me. In any case, personally I think the lockdowns were a huge mistake that we will be paying for for quite some time to come. Those of us who are against lockdowns and mandates are once again, ridiculed, canceled, yelled at and hated. Oh, the tolerant left.

Here's my thinking. Lockdown didn't work. If it did, we wouldn't still be here. The truth is (and I believe even Fauci himself knows this), lockdowns were never going to work. Because this is a VIRUS. It will not be eradicated no matter how many masks you wear or shots you take. Also, it is a virus that most of us have a 99% (some even 99.9%) chance of surviving. This is taken directly from the CDC site "During December 14, 2020–August 14, 2021, full vaccination with COVID-19 vaccines was 80% effective in preventing RT-PCR–confirmed SARS-CoV-2 infection among frontline workers." Now, why would I take something that is less effective than my chance at actual survival of the virus? Make it make sense.

I consider myself a logical thinker. God knows there aren't many left of those. But I can't help but think logically and logically it just does not make sense to me. Just like with all the data on how wearing a mask does not actually work and it might actually make you sicker with all the bacteria that is found on them after wearing them all do. So, why?? But if you makes you feel better to wear a mask and take an experimental shot (but it has been approved you say - yeah ok and it just so happens that the former FDA commissioner in charge of regulating Pfizer is now on the Board of Directors of Pfizer - hmmmm. Also, there is some debate on if it's actually approved or just the emergency use extended.), then you should have that right. But it should not give you the right to tell me what to do. I understand that there are those (elderly and those with higher risks) that are more susceptible to getting sicker from the virus. Well, ok then they are the ones that need to be careful and take precautions. And if the masks and vaccines do really work, then it shouldn't matter what I'm doing. You should be safe. But as we know, the vaccines aren't actually making it better. I would argue they are making it worse. As we know now, you can still get and give Covid even with a vaccine. So, nothing changes and nothing ever will! I have recently seen information that the vaccine is actually creating stronger variants (Hello, Delta!). Another study says that vaccinated individuals carry 251 times the load of Covid-19 in their nostrils than unvaccinated. So, why are people so hell bent on giving people a shot that doesn't even work and may even be making it worse?? Again, make it make sense. Not to mention all the vaccine related deaths and injuries that surely, the mainstream news is telling people about (not shady at all). You can search and find them but they aren't going to tell you up front. Also, there has been some allegations of them erasing numbers from that database (obviously a conspiracy theory), but with all we have seen this last year and a half, I would not be surprised about anything these days. There have been allegations of the actual numbers they give for cases and deaths also being doctored (Just ask NY). The thing is, how would we know? Where is the real data? Who can we trust?

Do you think we can trust the government? The same government that pulled their troops out of Afghanistan BEFORE their own people and weapons in what could only be a blatant purposeful move (because seriously how could they have not known when most of America knows this). It is disturbing, sickening, maddening and just outright evil. Those poor people. It hurts my heart to even think about it. This guy and his military leaders are either totally incompetent or outright evil. I would venture to say both but mostly just evil. There is absolutely no way they could not have known what was going to happen. And it is so sad for those people over there that have been abandoned. And it is also sad for those of us here who remember the 911 attacks so vividly still. Just to sit back and wait for another terror attack but with this leadership, we all know it is coming. And that makes me so angry and depressed and everything in between.

At this point, can anyone honestly tell me that they think this guy got elected without fraud?? Don't even get me started. There is so much evidence of fraud but of course since the media is bought and paid for, you will not see it or hear it unless you go looking for the research yourself. There are actually many patriots that are trying to get the word out there (it's not just Mike Lindell people). Also, I pose this question, if it really was a honest election, then why are so many people in so many states fighting so hard against audits?? If there really is nothing to hide, then why not say, ok look but you aren't going to find anything. The answer is because they can't say that. Because it wouldn't be true. So, that right there tells you most of the answer. My guess is that the fraud goes so deep that not even most Republican officials want to be exposed. This last year and half has totally destroyed my trust in most elected officials on both sides. There are a few sprinkled here and there that are truly trying but they are so few and far between and they are once again, ridiculed, canceled and threatened. Elections matter. And apparently America has been asleep at the wheel when it comes to electing people that actual represent us. I'm not sure if it's too late, but we have to try to elect people that actually care about us and will do things for our good, not their own good. Somehow we have strayed so far away from this idea and we are definitely paying the price. I just hope it's not too late to turn it around.