Confessions of a New Dieter

Last year, I had a physical and had some abnormal blood test results. At that point, my dr. suggested that I work hard to lose weight and eat better. So I had been trying (here and there mostly) and did manage to lose a measly 5 pounds in 4 months. My dr. was ok with my progress as long as I keep on working on it, but I was not. I needed something to kick start my weight loss, or so I thought. As it turns out, most of the abnormalities were due to the BCP that I am now no longer on and now my blood tests look pretty good. But I do agree that I should lose weight and eat better anyway, if for anything, for my kids.

So, at the suggestion of my Dr., I started a strict regimented dieting program. Of course, now I curse the day I met him. The diet is high protein and no carbs/sugars. I have to eat their food for breakfast, lunch (with vegetables and salad) and snack and make my own for dinner (following strict guidelines), along with water and supplements. I have a coach I can call for questions and that will meet with me every week to take measurements. And after this first phase, they start phasing you off so you can get back to "normal" life. So far, the food is mostly disgusting. I am trying to find at least 3-5 things that I can switch off and eat on a daily basis. But I am supposed to stick to this regimen until I lose 48 lbs, which could take up to 16 weeks. What have I done?? I must be crazy. Because not only did I sign up for this willingly, I paid what I consider A LOT of money to do it. (They were not up front with ALL the costs if you ask me.)

What I have realized (or just made audible) is that I love "my" food. I miss it terribly. I feel like I said goodbye to a long life friend and they are standing there looking at me walking away, saying "why?". So yeah, I'm depressed a little. And I'm getting headaches. And it's so hard when I am eating salad and bad tasting soup, while my family eats spaghetti or any kind of pasta or bread. On Day 1, I had the most disgusting food, but oddly, I wasn't hungry. Day 2, I had better food but was hungry in between. By dinnertime on Day 3, I was ready to give it up. I did not want to eat another vegetable or salad. I was even proclaiming that I will just be in fat in exchange for the good tasting food I want so bad. But I paid way too much money to give up that easily. So I told my husband I have to at least give it a week. And I am trying my hardest to do that. But it's so hard. And as I write this, I am so hungry and it's still hours until dinner.

My biggest concern is that, even if I make it through the weight loss phase (which I'm not convinced I can), can I really maintain the healthy weight when I am off "on my own" and eating my own things? The thing that attracted me to the program in the first place was the fact that they will phase you into "real" life and teach you to eat well on your own. But even in the last phase, they recommend you have a day of 1st phase diet. I don't know if I can commit to that honestly. If I go off this diet, I never want to eat this way again honestly, especially their food. Maybe once I lose weight and feel better, I will feel differently. But I don't know. I think I love food too much. Maybe it's the Italian in me. So wouldn't it be such a waste to go through all this and then put the weight back on. That would be a disaster and an even more waste of money. I have so many conflicting feeling and emotions going on about this. I know that it would be better for me to lose weight. But do I really need these drastic measures to do so? I thought I did, but now I'm not so sure. Not only that, but the financial cost of the food and the good stuff at the store is just so high. I just don't know if it's worth it. My husband said that maybe we should just do our own diet and eat a healthy and balanced diet. Maybe. But it didn't work so well the first time. Maybe if I had realized how terrible this other option is, I would have worked harder. And I know there are other options, like Weight Watchers. Which maybe would be easier for me. I would never spend the money on it. But then I go and spend much more money on this plan that I am surely hating more than I would Weight Watchers. It doesn't make sense. I guess I thought getting so strict and limited would be the best way for me, since I don't seem to make the best choices on my own. And I guess I wanted someone to tell me what to eat so I didn't have a choice.

But the other battle is that I don't want to be a quitter. Growing up, I quit soccer and softball. I quit college. I made other stupid financial choices and wound up quitting other things, like Mary Kay and Premier Jewelry. Sometimes I wonder if I just like to throw money away and quit things. Well, honestly, I don't feel good about these things. But I wonder how little debt we would be in if I didn't do these stupid things because I sat in a meeting and it worked for those people. It's a good thing my husband likes me enough to put up with all of it. I personally am not liking myself much at the moment. The good thing is that if I do quit this program, I know my husband will understand and not yell and scream about the money I wasted. I am thankful for him right now, because I know he supports me whatever I decide. And I haven't really decided anything yet. I'm gonna try to just get through the week and then talk to my coach. I'm sure I'm not feeling anything someone else hasn't felt before. And I guess I just needed this to rant and get it out of my system. Well, off to make my dinner....