Dreaming of Mom

Last week, I had a dream about my mom. It was the night before I was going to the dr. in Fort Worth. I had decided to bring the kids with me, though I was dreading it. In the dream, she was weak and frail with sickness. I'm not sure where we were...it wasn't anywhere I recognized. But I got the impression that we were living with her and my dad, wherever it was. Her voice was a little more raspy and sounded a little different from what I remember. I was procrastinating getting ready to leave for the doctors and she looked at me and said, "I will come with you. If he (meaning Elijah) gets out of control, we can stop at Toys R Us and get him a balloon or something." Then, I got the most confused look on my face and I looked at her as if I had never heard anything so preposterous in my life. In that fleeting moment, I felt what it is like to have your mom close, available, always there, ready to help you out in any way she can. Even if she doesn't feel good or feel like it. I just thought, "Oh yeah, you are here. Of course you would come with me and I wouldn't need to do this alone!" Then she told me to take a shower while she followed Moriah out to the yard with the carousel so she could play.(Ha!)
And when I woke up, I was happy for that moment and yet sad because I try not to let myself think about if she was here, with my kids especially. About how much she would love them. And how happy and proud she would be of them. And how, even though she wouldn't live close by, she would have taken every opportunity to come and visit them and spoil them as much as possible. I could see her taking flights back and forth for the biggest and probably even smallest moments....the births, the birthdays, the sicknesses, school events, cooking, cleaning, watching the kids, whatever I needed. And I could see her sometimes just showing up at my door. She would have been here when I felt the physically worst I ever have after I had Moriah. When I was laying on the couch night after night crying in pain. She would have been here so I wouldn't have had the doctor yell at me for driving myself to see him when I was supposed to be resting and threaten to put me in the hospital. I don't usually let myself think of these things because I know it won't change anything and it will just make it worse. But I guess, my subconscious had other plans. I hate that my kids will never know her. They are really missing out. Because when I think about it, they really don't have anyone in their lives that truly spoils them. Both me and my husband tend to be pretty strict with them. They don't have anyone coming over saying, get your shoes on, I am going to take you to the park/store/museum/etc and then we are going to get ice cream! Or I bought you this toy for no special reason because I knew you wanted it. Sometimes, I envy people for having this in their lives. Most likely because I know it would be the same way for me if she was here. I have no doubt that she would be the overbearing Italian grandmother who lives and breathes for her grandchildren because that is who she was. Her family was the most important thing to her. And it just reminds me of what I and my kids both lost on April 1, 2002.