At 45, I still don't know what I'm doing!

2/20/23

Here I am again. I noticed a pattern to this blog. Between 1-3 times a year, my thoughts become too much for me and I have to get them out so I can start sleeping again. The funny thing is that I am always writing in my head. I actually love to write. Maybe it is what I am supposed to be doing in life but just didn't realize it or make it happen, I don't know. Or maybe it's just something I love to do when I can, when I'm overwhelmed, when I'm not pressured to do so. The crazy thing is that even though I love to write and I'm constantly "writing" things in my head, I don't usually share them. Mostly because I don't think anyone will care. And sometimes my thoughts can go off the rails. And I'm sure my type of writing isn't for everyone. Also, it's funny because sometimes the "writing" in my head is so loud, that it actually feels as if I said it to someone. Maybe that means I'm crazy. I probably am. 

Anyway, I jumped on here because of the same reasons as always. I am full of anxiety and fear and need a way to get the loud thoughts out of my head. I am not sleeping well because my brain won't shut up sometimes. I am so tired. I read my last entry written last year and I definitely still can relate to it. I feel alone, a lot. I should mention though, that I do have 1 tried and true friend, that is a homeschooler and has been my saving grace for this year. Yes, I continue to homeschool this year because I am a crazy person (and because certain places can't be trusted). But it is a little different this year because I teamed up with this saving grace and she allows me to take my daughter there so she can teach her with her kids 3 days of the week. The other days, I am to make sure she does her other work or get her to do other work. And I can honestly say, I am not good at even that! Whatever part of the brain it is that makes you want to stand next to your kids and watch every thing they are doing and make sure they do everything they have to and are doing it correctly, well, mine broke. I feel like I may have had this part of the brain at one point, but it is long gone. I think I'm just too old now. It's hard enough to talk myself into doing the things I have to do, nevermind talking my strong-willed, stubborn daughter into doing the things she has to do (and usually doesn't want to). But the fact that I cannot be trusted even 2 days a week has cemented my feelings that something has to change on the homeschool front. So, we have been working on a plan to get her back in school. It will either require moving entirely or putting her in a place that will totally inconvenience me to get her back and forth from. Sigh. Nothing is really easy these days.

The other thing is I should really get a job. Turns out that having a son who plays travel hockey and high school hockey is way more expensive that even we wanted to admit. And now that we have had to face the facts, any extra money would be most beneficial to us at this point. Unfortunately, with the schedules we have and trying to take into account future schooling opportunities, I have no idea what working would look like. Of course, remote would be my best option but have you seen the remote "jobs" lately? Most of them seem like made up scams. Then, you add in part-time remote opportunities and yikes. And if I'm being completely honest, I don't really want to work right now in my life. The kids are getting older but they are still needy and in the back of my mind, I know before we know it, one or more of them will be gone. I also have so many other things (hobbies) I want to do and projects I want to tackle in the house. When will those things get done? There is also this overwhelming feeling I get sometimes that I was made for more than this. That there is something else I am supposed to be doing, some sort of ministry or calling, but I just can't grasp what "it" is. The years are flying by and here I am, still trying to "figure it out". It is all so overwhelming and exhausting. 

Sadly, at 45, I still don't know what I'm doing in most everything in life. I don't have a career and I still don't know what I want to be when I "grow up". I feel like I fail daily at being and mom and wife. I am overwhelmed and stressed. I have so much anxiety about so many things. I have very few people I can completely confide in. I have been hurt so much, that I am guarded and wary of people. And yet I still yearn to be part of a group or community that I fit into. That just seems insane, really. Unfortunately, I think I've finally realized that it just isn't going to happen for me. If I haven't find my place in this world at this point, I don't think I will. It's a sad realization I've come to in the last few weeks. Some people thrive in groups and I want to be those people! But, I think I'm too weird. I have a dry and weird sense of humor. I'm also introverted and shy so it's so hard for me to speak up. And maybe, most people just don't get me. And I think I just have to accept that. I have gone into situations telling myself, just don't talk about this or just remember to say or don't say this or that or sometimes I just tell myself please, for the love of God, try not to talk at all! And then maybe, just maybe, they will like you. Well, I can tell you, it doesn't work. We are who we are. People need to take me or leave me as I am. Most leave me and I am working on accepting that.

My family is another whole story. I don't want to say too much but the hurt I have felt from my family in the last few years is almost debilitating to me. I try to say that things don't bother me and honestly, I try not to think about it. Because it hurts too much when I do. It's true, that I did move away so yes, some of it is on me. But in today's day and age, there are many ways to keep in touch. But they are not enough and I am forgotten and ignored. And sometimes being ignored is the worst feeling of all. Because it means you don't matter anymore. Out of sight, out of mind. I do know some of it is my fault. But not all of it. And thinking about how a family can just forget you so easily, it does hurt. The biggest hurt in all of it is that my kids will never really know my side of the family. Besides my brother and sister, they still don't know who most of my family is. It sucks. But then I think, it's their loss. But really, it's all of our losses. When I have grandkids, I cannot wait to smother them with grandmotherly love! Oh believe me, they will wish I would ignore them! And I guess that is the only thing to do, look forward to better days WAY in the future. Haha.

I'm not really sure what the point of this is except to vent honestly. And, also that as much as I hate to say it, people need people. And I think all anyone really wants is to be loved and accepted. And maybe it shouldn't be hard, but it is.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6:25-34