July 24, 2023
"This cannot be real life." These are the words I keep repeating to myself daily, it seems. When they say this cancer changes your life, they are not kidding. In ways you expect and in ways you do not. From the way you look, to the way you feel to the things you can do comfortably still. My first experience with cancer (Thyroid) was a walk in a park compared to this. Easy Peasy. I know it was a different kind and different treatment. But it in no way prepared me for this new journey, that's for sure.
Today is 4 weeks post surgery. Here is the update:
I am still SLOWLY recovering from the surgery. With the lumpectomy, I had a breast reduction. I figured, they might as well get rid of as much tissue as possible while they are in there. This recovery has been so much harder than I thought. I currently have an area (or two) that are not healing well. And everyday, I'm panicking about...is it infected? Do I call the Dr? What do I do? Why does my body hate me?? So the areas (one in particular) is still very stingy and uncomfortable. The plastic surgeon's told me that it would take 3 to 4 months to heal completely. 😢 It also does not help that when you look at yourself, you think Frankenstein's bride (or twin).
When they did the lumpectomy, they also did a sentinel lymph node biopsy. They took out 2 lymph nodes, in my case. One of these lymph nodes was found to have the cancer in it. And also, it was already starting to protrude outside of the lymph node (focal extranodal extension, to be exact). Definitely not was I was expecting or wanting to hear! This was supposed to be easy, remember? It's early, no big deal, women go through this all the time... It's amazing the way those words will come back to haunt you. With this being the case, I was told I would be having chemo, as well as the radiation. I am still struggling with this. Surreal is the only word I can think of to describe it. This is not how this is supposed to go. This cannot be real life.
So, off to see the radiation and medical oncologist I go. I got in to see the radiation oncologist first because they had a cancellation and it just worked out that way. He tells us the process and it all sounds ok. Because of my age, 6 weeks (30 treatments) of radiation. But it doesn't sound too awful so I think "I can handle this." He says well you are not ready for radiation (based on the surgery healing) but go see your medical oncologist and let us know if you have to do chemo first. No problem.
We met with the medical oncologist on July 13th. She seems serious. This must be more serious than I thought. I definitely need chemo, but she is unsure of the kind. She mentions "the red devil" and 4 or 6 months possible. I will lose my hair, even if I use a cooling cap and in fact, the cap might not be practical because of the amounts of treatment and might just give me a headache). Obviously, we are concerned about the lymph node protrudal. She cannot decide on treatment until she has some more information. So, that means a nice day of tests and scans at the hospital. She sets up orders for the test, does some blood work and says I will need a port put in for the chemo. And also orders an extra test on the biopsied lymph node (to test for Her2 again). We set up an appointment for the next week to find out results and where we go from here.
The day of the scans was long and I was so tired and hungry. I got there at 8 and didn't leave until 1. I came home, ate and and took a long nap. They did a bone scan, CT scan of Abdomen and Chest and Echocardiogram. The whole week was actually exhausting as I had medical appointments all week (except Friday).
On Thursday, July 20th, we met with the medical oncologist again to see what the plan is. The good news was the scans showed no spread! So that was the best news. I still need to have chemo but now she was suggesting a different course. (TC instead of AC-T). I will still lose my hair, but she seemed more hopeful about using the cooling cap, this time. So, all that is somewhat of a relief. She was still undecided about doing a 4 dose or 6 dose treatment. So, surprisingly to me, she asked me what I wanted to do. I of course told her, less is more and I would like the 4 doses, please. (Of course, understanding that more could possibly make it less likely to come back, but there is no way to really know that). She agreed and so the plan is set. I got my Chemo binder, set my chemo class time and have to get my port placed (I have horrible veins).
I will start chemo on August 1st (Frank and I will be celebrating 25 years in style!). I will have 4 doses of TC (Docetaxel + Cyclophosphamide) every 3 weeks. I am going to try and use the Paxman Cooling cap to at best, reduce hair loss or at worst, have it regrow back faster after treatment. I have been bombarded with information about what could happen and what I can take or do to prevent or combat it. My head is often spinning. I am so scared that scared isn't even the word. Maybe petrified is the word? After chemo is done, then I will start my 6 week radiation plan. (The only thing that could change my course now is the Her2 Fish results that they had to order on the lymph node. Pray for negative.) I am happy to have a plan though and all I can do is make the best of it. But it all seems so hard and scary. Once I have the first treatment, I'm sure it will be better knowing how my body will react. I will have the port placed this Wednesday, July 26th. Did you know they put you under to have this done?? It's an outpatient procedure. Not looking forward to it, either.
While there was some good news, the path is still long and hard. And I still feel very much alone. I pray but it seems God is so far. It's like in Harry Potter, when Dumbledore is avoiding and ignoring Harry because he has a connection to Voldemort. Harry, of course, does not understand why this is. He says, I feel more alone than ever. Boy, do I feel those words. I am not sure why God is silent to me at this time. And I'm not sure why He wants me to go through this. All I can do is trust there is a reason and plan for all this.
My song through all this is Truth I'm Standing On by Leanna Crawford.
Link to song: https://youtu.be/vrWdkziEuyA
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