Open Eyes, Open Heart

 10/18/2023

Now that I am post 3 chemo treatments with only 1 left, I have had some time and mental capacity to reflect on my journey, so far. When I started this process, I read a post from someone going through breast cancer and one thing that stuck out to me was her talking about how you will be surprised about the people that are there for you and the people aren't. When you go through something so hard like cancer, it's when you learn who your true friends are and sometimes it's not the people you think it will be.

When you are first diagnosed, you have lots of support, lots of messages. After a while and you are in the thick of the treatments, the support dies down, which I think is expected because people are busy and have their lives to live. In my experience, the people that have been there for me the most have been the survivors. Some of them were great with information and helped me prepare for treatments. Some brought or sent gifts or dinner. Some of them just simply checked in on me from time to time. You'd be amazed how just a simple note or message from someone saying they are thinking about you will help your mindset. I even received gifts and notes from people I didn't know personally but knew my husband. Unfortunately, I think this highlights the fact that the people you thought were going to be the ones there for you, are in fact, absent. And I'm not going to lie, it can hurt. But I do feel like it has really been teaching me an important lesson through all of this.

I think people in general tend to be selfish. It is the human way, of course. To only stay focused on yourself and your goals. When I was graduating high school, I didn't really have a clear professional plan (I still don't!). I was interested in missions and serving in the church, but didn't feel a specific calling necessarily. They asked us to put our future plans in the yearbook and I racked my brain forever trying to figure out what to write. What I wound up writing was my future plans were "to help people". That's it. Seems simple enough. But all these years later, I definitely do not feel like I lived up to this even generic goal. What have I actually done to help people? It makes me sad and humbled. When I was in high school, I feel like I had a servant's heart. I was very involved in the church and served others constantly. But through the years, my heart has become hardened and selfish. I have not served others as I should. I have not shown Christ's love to others as I should. So recently, when I reflected on how I have been let down by others, I was quickly reminded of the way I have let other people down in the same way. Ouch. Instead of kind and caring, I have been selfish and self serving for a long time now. So, I have been praying for God to change me. To open my eyes and heart to others. To change my perspective and bring me back to that servant's heart that I used to have. After all, isn't that what a Christian is all about? To be like Christ, who was the ultimate servant for all of us.

"In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death - even death on a cross!" Philippians 2:5-8

Chemo Treatments

10/17/2023

It's been 2 months since my last update. The truth is since the chemo started, my brain has been a mess and oftentimes the days feel like a blur. I probably won't be able to remember all the details but here is a summary of my 3 chemo's so far.

After a long delay, my first chemo was on Tues, August 29th. The day itself was such a relief to me and I was excited to get to the next part of the journey. The doctor said she never had seem someone so excited to get chemo before. Side effects were mostly as expected, though the bone pain from the Neulasta shot was so bad the following weekend, I almost went to the ER. But I was able to take Advil to get it under control and since then, the Claritin they suggest to take has been keeping that pain under control. After treatment, I actually felt ok Wed and Thurs (just progressively more tired), but by Friday, I was having a lot of stomach effects. On Saturday, I still was able to attend some of Elijah's hockey games (leveling tournament) though. Sunday was the worst day with the bone pain. One of the worse parts of the chemo experience was (and is) the steroids they make you take the day before, day of and day after the chemo. They made me red in the face and chest, bloated, hungry all the time and give me insomnia.

Next chemo was 3 weeks later, on Tues, September 19th. Had a little trouble with the cooling cap machine but the treatment itself went fine. The side effects were similar to the first time, but my down days were a little more severe. I think Friday and Saturday were spent in bed. It is hard to describe to the complete fatigue I felt. This is about the time my hair started falling out. It's hard to describe what its like to hold a clump of your hair in your hand. It's devastating mentally. Even though you know "It's just hair, it will grow back" (which is not something that is helpful to us), it takes a toll on you mentally and especially emotionally. Even when it grows back, it will never be the same. Also, add that to the feeling of how ugly you are already feeling from your altered Frankenstein- looking body, your self esteem really takes a hit. Most of my hair shedding came from the top and lasted about from days 15-28 (before and after my 2nd chemo). I've lost about 60-70% of my hair maybe and mostly on the top. I wear hats and it still looks like I have hair since I still have it on the bottom. At least the hats keep me warm at the rink.

Third chemo was last week, Tues, October 10th. Each treatment, I seem to dread a little more so I did not have a great attitude on the day. I really didn't want to be there. I didn't like my nurse as much. I could not wait for it to be over and get out of there. Side effects of this treatment were similar again but always a little different than the ones before. My stomach was a lot more queasy with this one. I felt worse faster this time and my bad days seemed a little worse, as expected. Again, I spent two days, this time was Thursday and Friday in bed mostly. Also, the hot flashes were a lot of worse with this one. By Sunday, I was starting to feel the fog lift a little though. Chemo brain/fog has definitely been a huge side effect through all the treatments (some days better than others), which is probably why it's hard to write. All 3 chemo's also made me lose my taste, which is definitely no fun. It always seems to start coming back just in time for the next chemo. This is one of the worst parts for me because I love food. LOL

My next and final chemo is scheduled for Tues, October 31st (Halloween!). I am looking forward to it in the sense that I cannot wait for this part to be over. I really hope I never have to do this again. I am dreading it in the sense of all the side effects being the most severe afterward. But I am excited that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am almost there. And then I can move on to the next stage of radiation treatments. I am certain it cannot be any worse than this.