Heart Hurts

12/26/2023

Last year at this time, Elijah and I were driving to Minnesota to visit a hockey friend who moved there. I was so determined to get there that we drove straight through all day, through the ice and snow, until we arrived around midnight. His friends family was so sweet and had the beds ready for us to collapse in when we got there. And I had such a great time there, even though the snow was high and the roads were icy and scary. It may have seemed like just a visit, but for me it was much more. It was a possibility of a new life. You see, we were actually really considering a big move to a place like Minnesota (or nearby) for hockey. I spent countless hours researching towns and hockey teams and house prices. Imagining Elijah playing in a place that thrives on hockey and thinking about him playing on outdoor ponds in the winter was so exciting. Little did I know all that effort would be in vain. In 3 months, I would find out I had breast cancer and my whole life would be turned upside down. All those thoughts and plans would have to be put on hold or forgotten altogether, since Elijah is getting older now and the possibility of him finding a different place to play is slipping away. And I don't know if it would have worked out anyway, even if I hadn't had cancer, but it's just one more disappointment to add to my life's journey.

I don't know why this happened. I don't know why things never seem to work out for us. Through the years, I continually have what I call heart hurts. They are things that have hurt me so bad that any reminder of them make my heart hurt. Unfortunately, my list of heart hurts has become long and just driving around my city, I can feel multiple heart hurts on any given day. School, church, an old house...and today, I am finding another one added to the list, thinking about what could have been just a year ago. I really needed and wanted a change in my life. And unfortunately, the change I was looking for and the change I got were not at all what I expected. I try to stay positive, but the truth is that this past year has broke me and I will never be the same again.

Today, I Cried

 12/20/2023

Today was my 26th dose of radiation for breast cancer. And while I was being radiated, I felt the tears flow down. And not just for one reason, but many.

I was semi-excited to start my radiation because I knew that meant I was coming to the "end". But it has been so much harder than I imagined. The beginning was hard because I started so close to chemo and I was the most tired I have ever been in my life. I think that's because I was still suffering the effects of chemo while then adding the side effects of radiation. It was probably about the 20th dose of radiation where I started feeling bad physically. My skin was red and burned and that's when the delays started. My doctor made me take 2 days off to give me 4 day weekend the second week of December. The next week (which was last week) he wanted to do it again but I begged him not to because that meant going into the new year. He agreed to let me just take Friday off since this week is a 4 day week anyway (because of Christmas). (I also asked him if I could just cut my treatments down instead but he said that was improper.) Unfortunately, it still does put my last treatment in the new year. And since that day, the burning has been so bad, specifically in my armpit area. They treat that area because of the lymph node involvement. Every day, I beg God to allow me to continue without another planned break. If I could just make it to Christmas, I think I can finish. 

It's hard to describe the mental toll this all takes on a person. I'm a mess on the inside. I feel like I'm in a constant state of panic and anxiousness. So many questions. So many unknowns. Could I be doing all this and it still not be gone? What if it is gone but it comes back even after all this suffering? What if all this suffering was actually unnecessary and I'm just killing my body for no reason now? How much is that one treatment in January going to cost me??

There is an older lady that has recently started radiation. Her time slot is after mine. She is very sweet and says hi to everyone. Everyday she comes with her daughter by her side. And today, It reminded me of my mom and how I wish she was here. Also, how I wasn't around nearly as much as I should have been when she was going through her cancer and treatments. I'm glad she didn't have to go through radiation because it really sucks. But only now can I understand what she might have been going through during her fight. And I wish I could go back and be there more, be more supportive. I should have been with my mom to all her treatments. Because I lived so far away and by the time it took us to move up there, I was only able to go to her last chemo treatment with her. I hate that. I miss her so much. I wish she was here and it sucks that she is not. Sometimes, you just need your mom.