12/20/2023
I was semi-excited to start my radiation because I knew that meant I was coming to the "end". But it has been so much harder than I imagined. The beginning was hard because I started so close to chemo and I was the most tired I have ever been in my life. I think that's because I was still suffering the effects of chemo while then adding the side effects of radiation. It was probably about the 20th dose of radiation where I started feeling bad physically. My skin was red and burned and that's when the delays started. My doctor made me take 2 days off to give me 4 day weekend the second week of December. The next week (which was last week) he wanted to do it again but I begged him not to because that meant going into the new year. He agreed to let me just take Friday off since this week is a 4 day week anyway (because of Christmas). (I also asked him if I could just cut my treatments down instead but he said that was improper.) Unfortunately, it still does put my last treatment in the new year. And since that day, the burning has been so bad, specifically in my armpit area. They treat that area because of the lymph node involvement. Every day, I beg God to allow me to continue without another planned break. If I could just make it to Christmas, I think I can finish.
It's hard to describe the mental toll this all takes on a person. I'm a mess on the inside. I feel like I'm in a constant state of panic and anxiousness. So many questions. So many unknowns. Could I be doing all this and it still not be gone? What if it is gone but it comes back even after all this suffering? What if all this suffering was actually unnecessary and I'm just killing my body for no reason now? How much is that one treatment in January going to cost me??
There is an older lady that has recently started radiation. Her time slot is after mine. She is very sweet and says hi to everyone. Everyday she comes with her daughter by her side. And today, It reminded me of my mom and how I wish she was here. Also, how I wasn't around nearly as much as I should have been when she was going through her cancer and treatments. I'm glad she didn't have to go through radiation because it really sucks. But only now can I understand what she might have been going through during her fight. And I wish I could go back and be there more, be more supportive. I should have been with my mom to all her treatments. Because I lived so far away and by the time it took us to move up there, I was only able to go to her last chemo treatment with her. I hate that. I miss her so much. I wish she was here and it sucks that she is not. Sometimes, you just need your mom.
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