Heart Hurts

12/26/2023

Last year at this time, Elijah and I were driving to Minnesota to visit a hockey friend who moved there. I was so determined to get there that we drove straight through all day, through the ice and snow, until we arrived around midnight. His friends family was so sweet and had the beds ready for us to collapse in when we got there. And I had such a great time there, even though the snow was high and the roads were icy and scary. It may have seemed like just a visit, but for me it was much more. It was a possibility of a new life. You see, we were actually really considering a big move to a place like Minnesota (or nearby) for hockey. I spent countless hours researching towns and hockey teams and house prices. Imagining Elijah playing in a place that thrives on hockey and thinking about him playing on outdoor ponds in the winter was so exciting. Little did I know all that effort would be in vain. In 3 months, I would find out I had breast cancer and my whole life would be turned upside down. All those thoughts and plans would have to be put on hold or forgotten altogether, since Elijah is getting older now and the possibility of him finding a different place to play is slipping away. And I don't know if it would have worked out anyway, even if I hadn't had cancer, but it's just one more disappointment to add to my life's journey.

I don't know why this happened. I don't know why things never seem to work out for us. Through the years, I continually have what I call heart hurts. They are things that have hurt me so bad that any reminder of them make my heart hurt. Unfortunately, my list of heart hurts has become long and just driving around my city, I can feel multiple heart hurts on any given day. School, church, an old house...and today, I am finding another one added to the list, thinking about what could have been just a year ago. I really needed and wanted a change in my life. And unfortunately, the change I was looking for and the change I got were not at all what I expected. I try to stay positive, but the truth is that this past year has broke me and I will never be the same again.