Why we will be leaving Uplift

Written 5/8/2021 - 7/2/2021

Honestly, I have struggled with this decision for many years for various reasons throughout the years. However, it just never seemed right. But this last year in particular has led me to do more research into Uplift Education itself and it’s teaching philosophies. There have been various small red flags throughout the last few years. But the one that inevitably led me on this journey was a teacher in middle school who I felt was giving inappropriate assignments for the class they were given in. And I only stumbled upon it after a conversation with my son about this particular teacher. In any case, I was alarmed and brought it to the Director’s attention. Her response was defensive and all she did was justify this teacher and the assignments using the IB (International Baccalaureate) program as an excuse. She said that they were allowed to add interdisciplinary assignments and use current events because of the IB standards (and we are an IB school). She also claimed the assignments were on Schoology for us to view. Well, they were not, which raised another huge red flag to me. And I checked many many times. To be fair, they may have been the very first time I looked, but when I went back to view them in detail, they were hidden from me and my scholar. While I understand current events may be discussed at school, I still maintain they should not be in this subject or with this teacher. I also did not like the way she brushed off my concerns and so I went to her boss. So, I started to worry about the curriculum - where does it come from and who approves it? How I don’t know this after 10 years already is on me really. But what followed, I was not even expecting.

So, I decided to do some research on the Board of Directors. First thing, I saw the letter that Uplift “released” to families. This letter outlines their Diversity and Equity plans in detail and was adopted at the beginning of this school year (Aug/Sept 2020). While I thought I saw an email about Black Lives Matter in the past, I do not believe it was in as much detail as this letter posted online. But I couldn’t find it in my email when I searched so I’m not sure if they emailed it or just posted it publicly. You can read the letter and actions here: https://us19.campaign-archive.com/?e=&u=58ec226c52b307111a072d826&id=47bdbc81ce

After this, I saw their next board meeting was coming up (on 5-25-21). I decided to call into the meeting and see what they were discussing. The update on Diversity, Equity and Inclusion was particularly concerning to me. They discussed their agenda and where they were in implementing it, same race teachers, and the House Bill 3979 (which seeks to ban teaching Critical Race Theory). If you do not know what CRT-Critical Race Theory is and your kids attend an Uplift school, I would highly suggest that you do some research. I did not like the way the CEO danced around the issue of CRT (Critical Race Theory) and it being taught in the schools. She seemed very concerned that her teachers could opt out of teaching it based on the bill. But the fact that she was not being transparent until asked directly if she was talking about CRT makes me believe that they are not being completely transparent with families at Uplift and not even with themselves. And as I already knew, she pointed out that the bill is light and does not necessarily prevent them from teaching CRT, just allows teachers to opt out if they choose, which she finds problematic. Of course, this bill has caused a lot of controversy and has been revised multiple times and I’m not entirely sure how it all ended. I thought it was signed by the Governor but it may be back in discussion for the special session he is calling in July. But I would keep an eye on it. As far as new board meetings, I think they happen once a month. The one in June was not as in detail as the one in May. .The board meeting agenda and minutes are posted online but they are only an outline and do not go into detail. As far as viewing previous board meetings, the only videos I could find were from Feb 2020 and before. I asked them about this and they said the videos were “wonky” and so they couldn’t put them up but would be working on it this summer. I did take screenshots of the DEI slides so if anyone is interested in viewing them, I will be happy to share them with you.

After my interactions with the MS Director, I had a conversation with her boss, Ms. Nanini, Managing Director of MS. When I asked Ms. Nanini if the new curriculum was CRT based, she told me that instead of Critical Race Theory, we would be hearing the words “culturally responsive” but they are essentially the same. She said many other things such as they were reviewing all curriculum for the new school year. After this conversation and the board meeting, I then had a conversation with Jonathan Dant, Managing Director of Curriculum and Instruction. My conversation with Mr. Dant consisted of him using the words “culturally responsive” and “multiple perspectives” over and over again. In my opinion, he was saying things that I could not logically argue with and to make everything sound good. But my gut was telling me not to trust him. He did sort of give me a list of curriculum for the new school year, but he conveniently left out the new Primary Humanities curriculum (which I already had and it came from the CEO herself-see below for website). Something else I found particularly problematic is that for Secondary, both ELA and Humanities curriculum are written in house using a variety of other sources. So there is no way for parents to go and see what the curriculum actually consists of.

Now, if you are a proponent of CRT, that is of course your prerogative and right. I have been doing research for the last few months and am still continuing to learn about it. (I am hoping to post a blog about what I have learned soon.) While I do believe there is a place for racism and oppression to be taught and talked about in schools, I do not believe this is the way to do it. I have also heard the argument that CRT is just allowing multiple perspectives of history to be taught (which I actually agree with doing). But I would argue that if you look at it, it’s really still only certain perspectives they want taught. To one group, they teach guilt and shame which leads to hating themselves and their parents. To the other group — they teach grievance and anger toward the “oppressors.” I truly believe this will only divide our nation further. Also, if you look at the history of CRT, you will notice that the proponents and “founders” are all self proclaimed Marxists. It is their desire to usher in Marxism and they will be using race to do it. 

Since all this started, there have been MANY more red flags to me as the time has passed. Here are just some of them:

1. Take a look at all the summer assignments. They all have a common theme. I started to read one the books my daughter was sent home with but have not gotten very far. I actually was having a hard time understanding parts of it. Most assignments are about social justice, marching, protesting, oppression, etc.

2. Through another mom, I was able to get the name of the new Primary Humanities curriculum. I was very concerned, especially with the Kindergarten theme but you can decide for yourself. https://laviniagroup.org/insight-humanities

3. Uplift decided to hire a President because as they say, it “allows Uplift’s CEO of 12 years, Yasmin Bhatia, to dedicate more of her time and energy to other aspects that are critical to the success of Uplift including Uplift’s bold well-being, SEL, equity, and talent agendas.” Another Uplift mom was quick to find this blog/article the new President wrote. https://medium.com/@remy.washington/to-end-racism-we-must-start-in-the-classroom-170db7c51cdb

4. Another interesting fact is the founder of Uplift Education is Rosemary Perlmeter. Her title in LinkedIn is “Educational Equity”. She now leads an organization called “Teaching Trust” whose motto is “Transforming Education at its Core”. 

5. A side note but not completely irrelevant to CRT is the LGBTQ agenda. There is a big push in this area, as well. Uplift has partnered with a group called Ntarupt for Sex Education. I was not completely happy with what I read on their site either. https://www.ntarupt.org/

I understand that this is a sensitive subject in society right now and your views may not be the same as mine. And that’s ok. But now that I know the direction that Uplift has taken and is going, I just cannot in good conscience be a part of it. As it stands now, we will definitely be pulling out our primary and high school scholars. We have made a deal with our Middle School scholar that he can finish 8th grade there but there are conditions (he has to tell us what they are teaching weekly, we would love for him to speak up if they do teach something he doesn’t agree with and we have the right to take him out at any time.) It’s really sad because there are teachers and admin that I do love at Infinity. I have spent many hours volunteering and supporting the school. I will have to step down from my position in the VIP, which I honestly have loved. I have made friends there that I will miss. So, this has been one of the hardest decisions of my and my family's life so far. It affects not only me but my children, as well. I will not lie, I am pretty depressed about the whole situation but I feel that given all the things I’ve learned in the last few months, I have no choice but to do what I feel is best for my family. If you want to talk to me further about it, I would be happy to, just let me know. If this causes you to “unfriend” me, I will be sad but I have to be honest about where I stand.

Feeling Abandoned? You are not alone.

 

1-7-2021

My last blog post was written and published before all the chaos that ensued in DC on 1-6-2021. Did it change my mind about any of it? No. Do I think it was wrong to storm the Capitol building? Absolutely. Do I understand why it came to that? Also, yes.

At least half of America feels abandoned, silenced, ignored. I know I do.

I feel abandoned by those choice few that decided to take the bait and storm the Capitol building. I don't feel they accurately represent those who support Donald Trump and ruined any statement set out to be made by what was supposed to be a peaceful rally.

I feel abandoned by politicians. As I watched them get up in front of each other and spout off ridiculous lies and hypocrisy, all I could think is they have no idea how the average American feels. They sit in their ivory towers talking about how great and important they are, forgetting the people they swore to represent. They do not live in reality. The majority of them have been corrupted by fame, money and self importance. And the fact they can say that I am not seeing what my eyes are seeing or that thousands of people lied under oath fills me with anger that is hard to manage at times.

I feel abandoned by our justice system. The truth is the fraudulent votes should not have even made it to the Capitol. The justice system in the states with the most obvious fraud failed America. I know people are mad at Pence and other Republicans for not objecting but I don't know that constitutionally there was anything to be done at that point. Of course, I also understand that it is unconscionable that you would be able to certify a result you know is wrong. But honestly, they should have not even be put in that position to begin with.

I feel abandoned by the many who knowingly and even purposely caused a fraudulent election to take place. Their hate was so strong they were willing to do whatever it took to get the job done with absolutely no accountability or consequences to their actions. They got away with it and it will only embolden them to do it again.

I feel abandoned by those who have turned their heads and blinded their eyes to truth for the sake of hate. Hey, we won, so why do we care if we cheated?

I feel abandoned by those who know the truth but remain silent due to fear (including myself). The past few months have been a struggle because while you want to make everyone see what you are seeing, you also don't want to be mocked or unfriended. You don't want people to think you're crazy so you stay silent. I came close to posting things many times but in the end, I usually chickened out. I'm not happy with myself for that and I'm still struggling with it. Because it ultimately means I am being controlled by others and what others think of me.

I feel abandoned by big tech, social media and mainstream news. There is no question that social media and mainstream news has an agenda. They openly limit free speech with no accountability. They tell people what they want them to hear and know. Every news station I tried to watch yesterday was so obviously slanted that I could not stand to watch it for more than 5 minutes at a time (or had to mute it). You cannot trust any of them. Journalism died a long time ago. They no longer do their detective work to find out the truth like Nancy Drew or Veronica Mars. They are told this is the truth and this is what you say. If you deviate from that, you will be silenced or cancelled. Communism right at our door and it is welcomed with open arms.

I even feel abandoned by God. Hours and hours of prayers that seemingly went unheard and unanswered. I don't blame God. America has become a corrupt nation. I think we have seen that clearly this past year. I only hoped that there was enough righteous left that He would have mercy on us and hear our prayers. I think we have our answer. And unfortunately, it is not the one we wanted.

So where does that leave me and people like me? Abandoned and seemingly alone.

However, I know that this is not true. I know God is still with me. Even though it seems like there is no hope and the future is filled with uncertainty. Ultimately, it's not about this life. It's about our life in Christ. This life will pass away and what really matters is our relationship with God and our acceptance of Jesus. Nothing else truly matters. And we were promised that hardship would come. We were promised trials and tribulations. But we were also promised that God would never leave us nor forsake us. So I am holding onto that promise. I will look ahead to better days, not necessarily for our country, but for me. Because I am in Him and He promised He will be with me and take care of me, no matter what.

"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." Psalms 42:5

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5

"Consider it pure joy, my brother and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1: 2-4

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Welcome to Communism, America.

 1-6-2021

I have been contemplating these thoughts and even started writing them down back in November. I have been in such a state of anxiousness and depression for months now because of this election. It's not because I love Trump so much. It's not because I hate the other side so much. But I can look at the bigger picture. And what it seems like to me is that our country is willing to sell itself out just because of the hate that they have for one man. Trump is not an eloquent man. He's egotistical, yes. He says things he shouldn't, for sure. But at the end of the day, he has delivered the best policies and best economy (pre-covid, of course) I have ever seen in a President. I admit that at first I was scared at the prospect of him winning in 2016, but I feel he has proven himself to be a great leader (in most respects). I agree with him policy wise and so that to me is way more important than tweets. Unfortunately, others cannot put aside their hate and see the bigger picture.

Because today is the last day, the last stand for true democracy. Today, they will most likely certify Biden as President-Elect. Just the thought of this has me sick to my stomach. Not because of hate but because of the direction this country will be going in and my fear for not only me, but more importantly, my kids and their kids after them.

While others have ignored the evidence, there is no doubt in my mind that there was election fraud. I have seen videos, I have listened to hours of testimony. There are thousands of affidavits of those that witnessed so many forms of cheating. Dead people voting. People living out of state voting. And the most telling to me is just the statistical analysis - NUMBERS DON'T LIE. But people just want to ignore or deny any evidence just because Trump says it. But it did happen on November 3rd and again yesterday, January 5th in the GA runoff. I was hopeful for the runoff in GA because I thought, surely people have learned great lessons from Election day and will not allow the cheating to happen again. Unfortunately, I was wrong. And by ignoring or refusing the evidence, the whole country has become complicit in the election fraud. This includes politicians that we thought were on the American's people side. One thing it has shown is the American people (at least half of us) are without true representation.

This country was founded on true and fair elections. To allow such fraud in an election and not hold anyone accountable means that there will never be another fair and true election in this country. And so, our free country will head towards communism. You may think that is overdramatic and a conspiracy theory but the facts are there if you just do the research. The left has already said the things they will do that will take us down that road. And the truth is that they have been taking us down this road for a long time without some of us even realizing it. And now, it might be too late. With the democrats controlling all government, we will see the destruction of free speech, religious liberty and free choice education, extremely high taxes and a broken down justice system (which we already are seeing). As it is, they already control the mainstream media, social media and have infiltrated the education system to implement their agenda of hate, division and socialism. Then they took advantage of the Covid lockdowns to start the process of socialism. Knock out the small businesses so everyone has to rely on the US Government for everything. Personally, I am a believer in Capitalism. I think it is a system that has proven to work. I do not believe the government should be controlling every aspect of our lives. When that happens, we are not a free society anymore. While the idea of socialism seems appealing, the truth is that it does not work because people are inherently corrupt. And what will happen is that the elitist politicians will be the most rich and we all will be poor and controlled by them. This is not the America our founding fathers created for us nor is it the America I want to live in.

11-24-2020

This election has now been going on for 3 weeks. The Media has claimed Joe Biden the victor but it is not certified. But that doesn't matter to the people that hate Trump or hate our country. Since election day, we, those of us that have been paying attention, have seen and heard many stories and what I could call proof of the election fraud that took place in this election. I could list many videos, eye witness stories and other information about the voting software that prove this fraud. However, the news networks and social media have either ignored these stories or have mocked them and played them off as crazy. Why? Because those with the power are willing to do whatever it takes to win. No matter what. The facts of poll workers were not able to observe the counting or large batches of ballots showing up that just happen to all be for Biden or testimony from many Americans of the fraud that they witnessed frankly just don't matter. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. And why do the American people ignore the fraud? Because they hate Trump so badly they are willing to do or allow ANYTHING to get him out.

The Invisible Student

12-9-2020

This morning, I read a story about a young man (14 or 15 years old) who sadly committed suicide during this unfortunate pandemic lockdown. He was an outgoing football player that missed his friends and missed football so much, that he just couldn't take it anymore. It broke my heart. We have been hearing a lot about the effect of these lockdowns on kids. It wouldn't be a surprise to me if that they have long lasting effects to all of us, but especially kids. All the stories I have heard have been about outgoing, social kids that are depressed about not being around their friends anymore. We felt it some with our younger two kids. Luckily, my son was still able to play hockey and I think that has saved him from the hopelessness and helplessness these others have felt. And luckily, my kids had the option of in person learning before too long.

But we don't really hear about the other kids. The kids that are shy and introverts. The ones who don't like to be with people or talk out loud in class. The ones who don't play a sport or an instrument. The invisible ones. My oldest is one of these. And out of my three kids, this lockdown seems to be effecting him the most. This is what I mean. He hasn't been out of the house (except maybe to take a ride to pick up food with my husband) for months. He hardly even leaves his room really. For a long time, we did not hear him talking to his friends even while playing video games. In fact, it was just a couple weeks ago we heard him actually talking and playing video games with his friends and it's the only time I can remember in this whole pandemic time. Since we had the option, we allowed him to stay virtual for the first half of this school year. It may prove to be a big mistake because now he does not want to ever go back to school. His grades are terrible. He is failing 5 classes. I have threatened to put him back into in person classes and I am telling you, I have never seen him so panicked before. So much so, that he has willingly been taking his other devices down for us to hold while he is "at school" because they are too distracting. And while I'm glad he is finally making some progress on his schoolwork, I am dreading the day he actually will be forced to go back to school. After a whole year of virtual classes, I'm not sure he will be able to function in person. He is perfectly happy to be isolated and alone. And unless he's forced to, he will never want to be part of the real world. So while he seems content right now, the real challenge will be when we start to live our real lives again. Even if they are a "new normal", whatever that means. I don't have any answers. I just have the helpless feeling that he will be more screwed up than he already was before this pandemic. And I don't know what to do or what can even be done. It is for sure though - after this Covid-19 pandemic, our lives will never be the same again.

Election Thoughts and the State of the Union

I normally do not post about politics (I usually know better). But although private, I am very passionate about them. I just need to get this out because the thoughts are eating me alive.

I am not going to lie, I have been disappointed and a little surprised at the election results. The way I view it is that hate has won. Over half of people of this country hate one man so much that they are willing to give up all their liberties and freedoms. They are willing to give up everything just so long as the bad orange man is gone. Maybe this is overdramatic, maybe not. You may not like it or agree with it, but it is how I feel. I love my country and I love my freedom. I am a proud American. I have always had a great affinity for the founding fathers and the story of our country's beginnings. I thought that I was part of the silent majority. I thought most Americans still felt the way I feel about the country and they would prove it once and for all in this election. But to see that more than half the country does not feel this way has been hard for me to grasp or even understand. So, disappointed may not even be strong enough of a word. Devastated might be better. The silent majority is no longer a majority. Americans do not want to preserve the democracy that was put into place many years ago. They want and even welcome socialism. They are ok with having no law and order. They are also more than willing to turn their head to obvious and proven corruption, as well as dementia, in their own candidate. Full well knowing that sometime soon after election, he will be deemed unfit and will be replaced by the most far left socialist president ever. BLM can riot, loot and destroy. Babies can be killed. They want to take away our money, our religion, our healthcare and our school choice. But it's all ok as long as that man can't tweet anymore. Isn't that an even trade?

And to be clear, I do not hate them. I am confused and sad about it. I also feel bad for them. And I know Trump is no saint. He says and does things sometimes that make me shake my head. But the obvious hatred in their hearts is so strong, they cannot see the truth. They let the mainstream media tell them lies until they believe them all and can spit them out verbatim at any time. You can always tell a CNN viewer just by the way they speak. How have the American people become so hateful and misguided? Pondering it, I think there are many reasons. One of my theories is that while we were not paying attention, they infiltrated our education system and taught (and continue to teach) our children lies so they can grow up to be good little socialists. So they can grow up and do whatever they tell them to do. Not thinkers, but followers. This has been going on for much longer than we even knew to bring us to this point. The other thing is social media. Social media has destroyed most of our society. Kids today do not know how to socialize in the real world. Everything is online. The pandemic and virtual learning is not helping. YouTube is like a drug that they can't get enough of. It's also no secret that they control mainstream and social media. And no-one can deny the obvious censorship of any point of view that they don't agree with. They want to control what we see, what we read, what we believe. How else will they get us all to fall in line? How else will they get all the power they lust after? And sadly, they don't even need to hide it anymore. We just accept it. We have been lazy and complicit and I am ashamed of myself for not seeing it so clearly before this.

And to that point, I wanted to post some of this on Facebook. But I did not want the consequences of it. I know I will be yelled at and unfriended. I will be told I am a racist, a deplorable, a chump. So yes, I cower and yield to the mob. I am afraid. How sad that we cannot even have our own thoughts and feelings anymore. The way that social media has bullied us into silence is awful. And I have no answers for any of it. I'm still trying to figure out my own feelings. On one hand, I love Facebook for posting about my kids, my house and keeping up with friends and family. On the other hand, I hate that it makes me feel insecure, angry, and depressed on a daily basis. And yet, I just can't quit it. It's quite the conundrum. But I am going to make a concerted effort to limit my Facebook time and live my life instead. I have let it rule too much of my life and that has to change.

I don’t know what the future holds, but the good thing is that I do know who holds the future. So, even though I am struggling with all this, I will trust in the Lord. And in the end, Love will always win.

 

Starting is hard

1/10/19

I stare at this blank page and suddenly have nothing to say. That must be how I felt on 10/18/18 too since I started a blog entry and when I opened it, it was blank. The truth is though, that I have SO much to say that I feel stuck. I don't know where to start. It's a bit like me looking at the mess that has become my dining room and living room...and kitchen. It's overwhelming. I want to take a step. I want to start. But where? How?

I'm not exactly sure but all I know is I have to start somewhere so, here I go.

It seems that 2018 was a hard year for me. Nothing earth shattering happened. No big tragedy really. Just day to day living as a stay at home mom and wife. And things did happen. Like quitting my part time job in the summer and then in the fall, taking on the responsibility of a parent group at the school. It was my intention to get more involved in the school but honestly, I didn't realize just how hard it was going to be. Don't get me wrong, I love it at times. But at other times, it is grueling, time consuming, non-appreciated work. But overall, I love working with the teachers and staff and love when I'm there doing my part.

So then, why, when it seems like everything is just fine, do I not feel so fine? The truth is that my whole life I have struggled with anxiety and depression. Sometimes it was just a little and sometimes it was a lot. When I was a teenager, I found myself in a bad place. I haven't told many people, but there was one night (probably 1993 or 1994?) when I considered killing myself. Luckily, my friend found out and she told her parents who then told my parents and so they intervened. At some point during this, the doctor gave me Prozac. I took one pill and refused to take any more of them. I was insulted, actually. I had faith. I had a loving family and I was strong enough to get over it myself. And in some ways, I did.

There was another time over 10 years ago that my doctor prescribed me Wellbutrin. I honestly don't even remember the exact reasons or what was happening in my life at that time. I may have taken them a month or so but once again, I was sure that I did not need this medication and so stopped taking it on my own. I couldn't possibly be a Christian, have faith and yet rely on manmade medication to help me be happy. I had to rely on Christ, on my faith, on my family. And I was strong enough, wasn't I?

So fast forward to Fall 2018. Married, 3 kids in school. Stay at home. The dream, right? Oh, the time I will/must have to clean the house, cook the meals, organize my life. And yet, here I sit, over 6 months later, with the house looking the exact same way, meals aren't getting cooked and I barely have the energy to even stay awake all day. The last few years, I have noticed that my social anxiety is on the rise. Social engagements leave me feeling empty and exhausted. But this was something more. And at some point after school started back, I just found myself completely exhausted, numb and lost. Only listening to depressing music. Going back to bed after dropping the kids off or taking naps at random times. (And they always last longer than intended.) So, I thought, I must just need to throw myself even more into something - in this case, volunteering at the school. And boy, did I. But it's like just putting a band-aid on it for a little bit. And when I get back home, the band-aid comes off and I'm even more depleted and honestly, just plain sad. I feel like I give and give until there is nothing left. And it's not that I don't enjoy volunteering because honestly, I love it when I'm doing it. It's just the aftermath that is not so pretty. And I always have the feeling that I could have done more or why didn't I do it this way? Replaying the situations back in my head over and over and pretending I reacted a different way or said a different thing. It's exhausting. But eventually, it will fade. And then, all I'm left with is sadness and feeling lost. Nothing really excites me and I don't really want to do anything or go anywhere.

When you are a stay at home mom, sometimes time blurs. The days can be so similar you can't even remember which day it is. So, I don't know how long this depressive episode has gone on but I think it's the longest I have had in a long time. I'm guessing it started sometime in late summer. And after only a few months of these depressed feelings and knowing I had a Dr. appointment in early November, I finally decided that I had to talk to the Dr. about this. I had already been on anxiety medicine after my panic attack (see my last blog post) and I was less anxious about things. But I knew that this was something different altogether and it wasn't getting any better. So, this time I decided that I needed the anti-depressants. And I have been willingly taking the medicine for about 3 months now. I have been ashamed to tell people about it, but I feel that I need to. That it is all part of the process I need to go through. And I don't know if it is the ultimate answer. I don't know how long I will take it. I don't even know if it's working. All I know is that I am feeling the lowest I have ever felt when it seems like I should be the happiest I have ever been. And I feel like there is a wall around me, even when it comes to God. I want to reach out but I don't. But as I write this, I am reminded of a passage.

2 Corinthians 12:9-11 New International Version (NIV)

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 

Right now, I am weak. I definitely need God's grace to get me through. I don't know what all this is for. Or what will be on the other side. But if you are feeling this way, you are not alone. And it has definitely reminded me that you never know what a person is going through. You never know if they seem fine and then they go home and listen to sad songs and cry their eyes out. So, be patient and be kind. God knows we need more of that in today's world.