An outward struggle turned inward

Those of you that have known me a while know that I have always struggled with acne. I have had it for more than 20 years at this point. I honestly can't even remember a time not having it. It has unfortunately, always been part of my life it seems. I have spent seasons trying to get rid of, trying to hide it and then finally when neither of these things worked, trying to just ignore it. 

For some reason when I was growing up, my parents never took me to the dermatologist. I wish I could ask my mom why, but I am almost sure I know the reason. We didn't have the money. And we didn't talk about it often. Though, there were times she tried to help me. I do remember one summer when we were in Florida with family, my aunt was having me take wet washcloths, put them in the microwave and put them on my face. I kept this practice up a while and though it might have felt good, it didn't really help. I have tried so many things through the years - over the counter cleansers, astringents (remember when that seemed to be the rage?), creams, a weird smelling green soap from India. I've used many skin care lines - Mary Kay, Avon, Clinique, ProActive (twice), Beauti Control. Some have helped a little, some did nothing, some made it worse.

About 6 years ago, I did go to a dermatologist. We tried prescription cleansers and creams and finally, antibiotics. The antibiotics were apparently too strong for my stomach and after many tests, found they were basically making a hole in my esophagus. Needless to say, I stopped taking them. The dermatologist basically said there is nothing more we can do for you if you don't want to take the antibiotics so I stopped going. Not to mention, they were not that nice anyway and rushed me in and out of the office as fast as possible. Oh, and then I got pregnant so I couldn't take anything anyway. My pregnancies affected me differently. The first one seemed to help a little but it got worse with the other two. After I had Moriah, I pretty much gave up and said, this is just meant to be. I don't know why but this is the way it is and I don't even care anymore. I haven't even been wearing make up. 

Well, for the last few months, it seems to have gotten worse and now not only is it not pretty, but it's hurting as well. So I decided I had to do something and went to a new dermatologist. I explained everything to him, not that he couldn't see it. He knew right away what to do. He said what I had was cystic acne (which I had never heard anyone say). It is hereditary, not affected by food (which I have tested) and the thing that would most help is an oral medicine named Accutane. Eek. Now the only things I have ever heard of Accutane have been negative, though I couldn't exactly tell him what they were! He explained it has gotten a bad rap because it does cause birth defects or even death in babies if you get pregnant while taking it. So the long and short of it is that in order to take the drug, you must enroll in this government program where you pledge to not get pregnant one month before, while on or a month after you take it. He said I would have to take it for 5 months. He gave me a LONG manual to read and told me there was a waiting period of a month. I had to have a pregnancy test done, if it's negative, then I wait for 30 days and take another pregnancy test. I have to enroll in this government program, always use two forms of birth control and promise that I will not get pregnant. Then I will be allowed to take it. And I will need to have a pregnancy test done every month I am on it and a month after. Oh, and there are some possible side effects that could be bad, including a really bad depression (like I need help with that). Sounds fun. At first, I was like, I don't think so. This sounds too dangerous. But then I did some research. The majority of the reviews I read were positive. They said, yes there are side effects, but it cleared up their skin in months! Then I started really considering it. Along with things already mentioned, following are some recent experiences that have made me decide to try it.

1. About a month and a half ago, my husband and I were shopping one day. The lady in the store stopped me and said, "Have you ever heard of Nerium AD?" I said no. She said she used to have skin like mine and now it's all cleared up, thanks to this wonderful product! I got a glimmer of hope, gave her my email address but I never got an email (thank God). I did do some research on it later and turns out its just another skin care line, for wrinkles, NOT acne and it is mutli-level marketing. PLEASE, I do not need another one of those in my life. At first, I was happy someone was giving me some advice. Then I thought, I am also kind of insulted. But maybe she was just trying to help, having been there before.

2. A couple weeks ago, I was shopping at Sears. Upon checkout, the cashier said "What happened to your face?" Wow. Talk about blunt. I told her it was acne and I was working on it. Geez, I guess it looks worse than usual, I thought. Maybe I should start wearing makeup again.

3. That same week, I had a doctor's appointment and had to get some blood work done. I sat in the seat and the lady who was to take my blood said, "Do you have insurance?" I thought to myself, well that's a weird question and shouldn't they have that on file here? So I said, "Yes, I do." She said, "Have you done anything about this? (motioning to her face)". I was flabbergasted. This is twice in one week. I must really look terrible. She did proceed to tell me that she had the same problem and went to see a dermatologist and got creams and antibiotics to help. I guess she was trying to help, but instead I just felt like gum on the bottom of someone's shoe. I could not get out of there fast enough. And thought, I really have to start wearing makeup!

4. The next week, I was helping Elijah with his homework. He was studying for a science test. He had to learn "observation". So I was explaining it and gave him an example. "I observe that Moriah has a red shirt on. What's something you observe?" He said, "I observe that you have red dots all over your face." Ouch. This one hurts the most. And if my mind wasn't made up already, it is now. I decide I will and I HAVE TO do ANYTHING to get my face cleared up.

The funny thing is that through all my years of struggling with acne, I don't remember many people, if any, saying things like this to my face. And it's just weird that in the last month and a half, I have had 4 instances! I take it as a sign. And I am hoping and praying that this medicine does what it is supposed to. Because if it doesn't work or I am forced to go off of it before it does, I don't know what I am going to do. I have been wearing makeup more but honestly, I don't even want to go out in public anymore. I am the most self conscious I have ever been about it. And I know it doesn't look good. I feel like people are judging me all the time. I feel like maybe they have been for years and I am just now catching on to it! How did I not ever realize this before? Maybe this is the reason not many people want to befriend me. Maybe they think I am dirty. I even went as so far as to tell my husband the reason people don't want to sit with us at church, especially on Wednesday night is because of my skin and they must think I have leprosy. In a way, I was kidding. But, part of me is not. I am feeling not only scarred on the outside, but scarred on the inside as well. And I am just realizing, at age 35, how shallow and mean people really are. And when I think about it, I get mad. How crappy of people. I think I am a pretty nice and fun person. But they will never get to know that because all they see is the outward appearance. 

I don't know what will happen. I don't know if it will be the miraculous drug I am hoping it to be. I don't know if I will ever have completely clear skin or if it will even get any better. And even as I am writing this, I'm thinking why AM I even writing this? Especially since from my perspective, most people don't really seem to care or even read this anyway. Why should I share this most private and hurtful struggle with the world? There are a few answers, maybe. The first (and most selfish) reason is that it is therapeutic for me. My feelings are bottled up inside and I am in desperate need to get them out. Being a quiet introvert, this is the way I choose to "show" myself to the world. But the most important answer, I think, is if even just one person reads it and can relate, then they will know that they are not alone. I hate feeling alone and I feel that way a lot. So, if I can make one person in the whole world, not feel that way, then I have accomplished something of worth I think. And if this treatment works for me, I can give hope to someone else with the same or similar struggle.

It was the best of times...

So, I have been sick. And I have been so tired the last couple days. Today it was so bad, my body felt like it had lead in it. I'm not sure if it was this extreme tired feeling or not, but all of a sudden a rush of emotions and memories came to me. It was of one of the best (and tumultuous) seasons of my life. So I pulled out an old photo album and cassette tapes and decided to scan the album pages and write a blog! (And hopefully get the pictures of the album pages up so my former bandmates can see them.)

In May of 1996, I joined the band, Sides of the North. It started with me, Jason and Brian. Then Brian's roommate, Kevin, joined in the fun. I have such fond memories of driving up north Jersey to practice and "make demos". They were so talented and I was so fortunate to work with them. Unfortunately, it was a short lived time, probably a little more than a year. But seriously, one of the best of my life. Definitely the most fun. I remember being tired...ALOT! But it was so worth it. 

Me, Jason and Brian

Brian, Jason and Kevin

The tired feeling really made me think of July 3-4, 1996 when we tried to make a demo tape in Kevin and Brian's apartment. What fun! And I remember that next morning being the most tired I have ever been! But so happy. This is what I looked like. Ha!

Being in a band was the one time in my life I felt cool. And special. And I had such a passion for it. It was nice to be so dedicated and passionate about something. Back then, singing and making music was my dream. Of course, we were all young and still finding ourselves. Heck, I'm still "finding myself" at 35. But first, the idea of college and finally, the idea of love and marriage finally won out over the band. I have wonderful memories of my time with SOTN and the guys will always hold a special place in my heart. And I would do it again in a heartbeat. Now, to find a cassette player so I can see if we sucked or not...

Look at all the tapes I found!

Here are some of my other favorite pictures from the album

Dreaming of Mom

Last week, I had a dream about my mom. It was the night before I was going to the dr. in Fort Worth. I had decided to bring the kids with me, though I was dreading it. In the dream, she was weak and frail with sickness. I'm not sure where we were...it wasn't anywhere I recognized. But I got the impression that we were living with her and my dad, wherever it was. Her voice was a little more raspy and sounded a little different from what I remember. I was procrastinating getting ready to leave for the doctors and she looked at me and said, "I will come with you. If he (meaning Elijah) gets out of control, we can stop at Toys R Us and get him a balloon or something." Then, I got the most confused look on my face and I looked at her as if I had never heard anything so preposterous in my life. In that fleeting moment, I felt what it is like to have your mom close, available, always there, ready to help you out in any way she can. Even if she doesn't feel good or feel like it. I just thought, "Oh yeah, you are here. Of course you would come with me and I wouldn't need to do this alone!" Then she told me to take a shower while she followed Moriah out to the yard with the carousel so she could play.(Ha!)
And when I woke up, I was happy for that moment and yet sad because I try not to let myself think about if she was here, with my kids especially. About how much she would love them. And how happy and proud she would be of them. And how, even though she wouldn't live close by, she would have taken every opportunity to come and visit them and spoil them as much as possible. I could see her taking flights back and forth for the biggest and probably even smallest moments....the births, the birthdays, the sicknesses, school events, cooking, cleaning, watching the kids, whatever I needed. And I could see her sometimes just showing up at my door. She would have been here when I felt the physically worst I ever have after I had Moriah. When I was laying on the couch night after night crying in pain. She would have been here so I wouldn't have had the doctor yell at me for driving myself to see him when I was supposed to be resting and threaten to put me in the hospital. I don't usually let myself think of these things because I know it won't change anything and it will just make it worse. But I guess, my subconscious had other plans. I hate that my kids will never know her. They are really missing out. Because when I think about it, they really don't have anyone in their lives that truly spoils them. Both me and my husband tend to be pretty strict with them. They don't have anyone coming over saying, get your shoes on, I am going to take you to the park/store/museum/etc and then we are going to get ice cream! Or I bought you this toy for no special reason because I knew you wanted it. Sometimes, I envy people for having this in their lives. Most likely because I know it would be the same way for me if she was here. I have no doubt that she would be the overbearing Italian grandmother who lives and breathes for her grandchildren because that is who she was. Her family was the most important thing to her. And it just reminds me of what I and my kids both lost on April 1, 2002.

Confessions of a New Dieter

Last year, I had a physical and had some abnormal blood test results. At that point, my dr. suggested that I work hard to lose weight and eat better. So I had been trying (here and there mostly) and did manage to lose a measly 5 pounds in 4 months. My dr. was ok with my progress as long as I keep on working on it, but I was not. I needed something to kick start my weight loss, or so I thought. As it turns out, most of the abnormalities were due to the BCP that I am now no longer on and now my blood tests look pretty good. But I do agree that I should lose weight and eat better anyway, if for anything, for my kids.

So, at the suggestion of my Dr., I started a strict regimented dieting program. Of course, now I curse the day I met him. The diet is high protein and no carbs/sugars. I have to eat their food for breakfast, lunch (with vegetables and salad) and snack and make my own for dinner (following strict guidelines), along with water and supplements. I have a coach I can call for questions and that will meet with me every week to take measurements. And after this first phase, they start phasing you off so you can get back to "normal" life. So far, the food is mostly disgusting. I am trying to find at least 3-5 things that I can switch off and eat on a daily basis. But I am supposed to stick to this regimen until I lose 48 lbs, which could take up to 16 weeks. What have I done?? I must be crazy. Because not only did I sign up for this willingly, I paid what I consider A LOT of money to do it. (They were not up front with ALL the costs if you ask me.)

What I have realized (or just made audible) is that I love "my" food. I miss it terribly. I feel like I said goodbye to a long life friend and they are standing there looking at me walking away, saying "why?". So yeah, I'm depressed a little. And I'm getting headaches. And it's so hard when I am eating salad and bad tasting soup, while my family eats spaghetti or any kind of pasta or bread. On Day 1, I had the most disgusting food, but oddly, I wasn't hungry. Day 2, I had better food but was hungry in between. By dinnertime on Day 3, I was ready to give it up. I did not want to eat another vegetable or salad. I was even proclaiming that I will just be in fat in exchange for the good tasting food I want so bad. But I paid way too much money to give up that easily. So I told my husband I have to at least give it a week. And I am trying my hardest to do that. But it's so hard. And as I write this, I am so hungry and it's still hours until dinner.

My biggest concern is that, even if I make it through the weight loss phase (which I'm not convinced I can), can I really maintain the healthy weight when I am off "on my own" and eating my own things? The thing that attracted me to the program in the first place was the fact that they will phase you into "real" life and teach you to eat well on your own. But even in the last phase, they recommend you have a day of 1st phase diet. I don't know if I can commit to that honestly. If I go off this diet, I never want to eat this way again honestly, especially their food. Maybe once I lose weight and feel better, I will feel differently. But I don't know. I think I love food too much. Maybe it's the Italian in me. So wouldn't it be such a waste to go through all this and then put the weight back on. That would be a disaster and an even more waste of money. I have so many conflicting feeling and emotions going on about this. I know that it would be better for me to lose weight. But do I really need these drastic measures to do so? I thought I did, but now I'm not so sure. Not only that, but the financial cost of the food and the good stuff at the store is just so high. I just don't know if it's worth it. My husband said that maybe we should just do our own diet and eat a healthy and balanced diet. Maybe. But it didn't work so well the first time. Maybe if I had realized how terrible this other option is, I would have worked harder. And I know there are other options, like Weight Watchers. Which maybe would be easier for me. I would never spend the money on it. But then I go and spend much more money on this plan that I am surely hating more than I would Weight Watchers. It doesn't make sense. I guess I thought getting so strict and limited would be the best way for me, since I don't seem to make the best choices on my own. And I guess I wanted someone to tell me what to eat so I didn't have a choice.

But the other battle is that I don't want to be a quitter. Growing up, I quit soccer and softball. I quit college. I made other stupid financial choices and wound up quitting other things, like Mary Kay and Premier Jewelry. Sometimes I wonder if I just like to throw money away and quit things. Well, honestly, I don't feel good about these things. But I wonder how little debt we would be in if I didn't do these stupid things because I sat in a meeting and it worked for those people. It's a good thing my husband likes me enough to put up with all of it. I personally am not liking myself much at the moment. The good thing is that if I do quit this program, I know my husband will understand and not yell and scream about the money I wasted. I am thankful for him right now, because I know he supports me whatever I decide. And I haven't really decided anything yet. I'm gonna try to just get through the week and then talk to my coach. I'm sure I'm not feeling anything someone else hasn't felt before. And I guess I just needed this to rant and get it out of my system. Well, off to make my dinner....